M E R I D I A N M A G A Z I N E
Family Matters
By
C.S. Bezas
Author's Note: I am excited this week to share some thoughts that have been deeply influenced by my husband's work in his counseling program. Michael is slated to graduate in December 2007 with a Marriage and Family Therapy degree. As we have served in the church through the years in various capacities, we've noticed over time how family dynamics influence the lives of members at church. It seems that many times the stronger the family unit, the more individuals are able to focus and absorb the joy the gospel brings. Whereas this is not always the case, it does seem to be true in many instances.
Thus, I present to you an article that both my husband and I have prepared for you this week. Our desires are to strengthen the families within the Church in any capacity we are asked to serve. We have chosen to write from a singular viewpoint to avoid confusion.
Out of curiosity recently, I wanted to see what the world had to say about family. I googled "Define Family." What I found little surprised me in its fairly predictable absence of the word "marriage." Here is a summary of the typical definitions:
Again, I found it no surprise that the word "marriage" was not mentioned very often in the definitions that came up. That is the world we live in today and we can see the resulting evidence of the breakdown of traditional families in newspaper and TV reports.
In contrast, what is family in the eyes of God? How does He define the term?
In 1992, the Church originally published a small handbook entitled, "Family Guidebook." It has been republished several times since then. In the 2001 preface of the book we read, "In 1995 the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles issued 'The Family: A Proclamation to the World.' This proclamation is a declaration and reaffirmation of doctrines and practices that prophets have stated repeatedly throughout the history of the Church. It contains principles that are vital to the happiness and well-being of every family."
I remember when "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" was unveiled. President Hinckley shared it with the women of the church in a General Relief Society meeting more than a decade ago. I could sense the impact of that moment as President Hinckley spoke. I have since come to an even greater appreciation of the Proclamation document, especially in light of the world's condition today.
For example, look at the clarity of definition of family in just the seventh paragraph alone of the Proclamation:
The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bounds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity … By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed (emphasis added).
We will come back to this, but first let us return to the Family Guide Book, page 1:
The Family is the basic unit of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and is the most important social unit in time and eternity. God has established families to bring happiness to His children, allow them to learn correct principles in a loving atmosphere, and prepare them for eternal life.
The organization of the Church was established to meet the needs of the family. For example, when a ward council meets, it is intended to discuss the needs of the families of the ward. Every organization is in this meeting: Bishopric, Priesthood, Relief Society, Young Men, Young Women, Primary, and the Activities Committee are there for that purpose. As the families are discussed, it is the responsibility of each organization to bring to bear the resources of their individual groups, in coordination with the other groups, to meet the needs of the family.
Why the Emphasis on Families?
Again, the Church organization is for the family, not the other way around. While it is true that strong families make the Church organization stronger and help it flourish in the work, our Heavenly Father organized the Church to support the family. So why families? What is so important about it that God organized the structure of the Church to support it?
The Family Guide Book, on page 3, provides insights:
Because our Heavenly Father loves us, He wants us to become exalted as He is. To help us, He has given us a plan to follow based on divine laws of truth. Those who learn about the plan and follow it faithfully can someday become like our Father in Heaven and enjoy the kind of life He lives….
To help us prepare ourselves for life with Him, our Heavenly Father has organized us into families. Families on earth are similar to the families we can have in the celestial kingdom.
This teaches us that this life in our family is like a laboratory for us to learn the beauty and importance of the different roles of the family and how to maintain and operate within that framework. If we cannot learn to do it here, will we really want to do it there in the Celestial Kingdom? To have eternal life is to live in the presence of God eternally, as a family, His Family.
A Lifetime for the Task
Living in a family unit is not always an easy task; it takes a lifetime perhaps to understand this goal and to get it right. In our society and in the Church, we can easily see the impact of a poor or non-existent family structure on the individual. In reverse, we also can see the great power of a family within the gospel of Jesus Christ and the impact it can make in the life of family members.
There are so many families that are greatly improved as they become members of the Church and embrace the principles of the gospel. There are so many existing church families that can be improved as each family member strives to live the gospel.
And which family members have been assigned to lead out in this? The parents. The Lord teaches the role of parents for the family unit in D&C 68:25-28:
And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents.For this shall be a law unto the inhabitants of Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized.
And their children shall be baptized for the remission of their sins when eight years old, and receive the laying on of the hands.And they shall also teach their children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord.
Families are Not Perfect, But That's OK.
Families are not perfect. No laboratory is. So we should not be surprised when each and every individual makes mistakes. When I was a child, if any of the children in the family would bicker or get into a fight, my mother would have us stand facing each other. We were to hold hands, look each other in the eye, and sing as many verses of the hymn "Love at Home" as it took to break the contention. I tell you from personal experience it is tough to stay mad while singing that song and looking into the eyes of a loved one.
I have made and continue to make many mistakes as a parent and a spouse. But when I do, I do seek forgiveness of my family members. They know I am an imperfect person that was placed to serve each family member in righteousness. In spite of my imperfections and mistakes, somehow they continue to support me and to love me. I continue to seek knowledge from my mistakes and strive to feel the spirit in what I do as a spouse and parent.
A Handy Checklist.
Let's return to the seventh paragraph of the Family Proclamation, where it says,
Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities (emphasis added).
This is a very simple recipe for a successful family. These are hallmark signs of a great family. They were given to us by the author of the greatest family, our Heavenly Father.
If you think back on times in your own family when things were not quite right and if you look at that checklist of principles, chances are you will find that one or more of these areas was lacking.
If you are not currently married, someday you may have the opportunity to marry someone. I hope you will choose to do so in the temple. When you do, I would admonish you to keep this checklist of principles close at hand. When you feel things don't seem quite right, review the checklist and find out what you can change. Start with yourself; be as Christlike as you can. Love as much as you can.
Read the principles again and note how many of them start with the self:
Is this not a terrific way to build a solid family foundation of joy?
The Greater the Service, the Greater the Spirit
Imagine the following scenario. A father comes home from work, tired and frustrated from the day's activities. The home is in disarray. He begins to express frustration, raising his voice, causing the spirit to leave the home. On another occasion, he comes home tired and frustrated, and again the home is in disarray. But this time, he quietly rallies the family to pitch in with him to clean the house. The spirit is much stronger the second time, and interestingly enough, the home cleaned more quickly.
Can parents learn to change their ways? Of course. Are the rewards great for those who do? Of course.
The church family is structured the same way. It is not intended for the aggrandizement of anyone, but instead every position in the Church is structured for service toward one another. The greater the service, the greater the amount of Spirit and Love we feel toward one another. This is the essence of the family. It is learning to love, to respect, and to serve one another.
All families have strengths; all families have liabilities. We bring positives to each marriage and we bring weaknesses. We can learn from our liabilities that we have brought — in fact, we can strive to change those liabilities (otherwise known as weaknesses) into strengths. An impossible thing? Not at all when we remember the promises of the Lord spoken with assurance in Ether 12:27.
Few people go into marriage with a Ph.D. in Family Sciences and so we all must learn. The Church has many resources to help us grow and overcome our deficits. The scriptures and the Family Guide book are just two examples.
It is vital that we learn God's correct model of family, in spite of the world claiming such a different viewpoint. We must all seek for the knowledge and wisdom the Lord has sent us here to obtain, helping one another along the way. It is vital, too, that we stress from early childhood that our youth should marry in the temple, creating a temple environment in the home where the family will be able to feel the spirit, love one another, and learn from one another.
If we follow the suggestions for family happiness given us through the scriptures, the Family Guidebook, and the Proclamation on the Family, in addition to the many other church aids we are offered, our youth will grow up to be strong in the Church — and strong individuals, too. For this is where the joy resides that the Lord has promised us. The home and family really are the best places to learn, to grow, and to love, if built in the Lord's own way.
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