Rescuing wayward children is a balancing act, the efforts of juggling Justice and Mercy. In the following correspondence, a father wrestles with dealing with offense, yearning for more priesthood support, and trying to maintain control while showing love—no easy tasks, and common struggles of faithful parents.

Dear Larry,

My family lives in Utah . My wife and I have been married for 25 years. We both served missions, and we try to live faithfully serve in the Church and live the gospel. Our two oldest boys were Eagle Scouts, seminary graduates, presidents of their quorums, fine examples to other youth, and they both served missions. However, neither one served in leadership positions, and that nagged at them.

When they returned home and joined a singles' ward, they didn't feel needed or valued. Now, these boys have been taught that you don't wait for opportunity to serve. You go get it! You go meet the Elders quorum president and bishop and let them know you'd like to be put to work. Sadly, nothing happened, and now, three years later, they are inactive. They break commandments that they never would have considered breaking before. I am continually distressed that they put themselves in compromising situations.

I have met with their priesthood leaders many times. These men recognize the problem, but they want my sons to meet them halfway. I suggested that you don't meet the "lost sheep" halfway, you go find them and bring them back. Both boys are waiting to feel valued as returned missionaries, that their having served is appreciated. They are waiting for someone to care that they are lost.

Of course, I understand that they are suffering from distorted thinking and ever-weakening testimonies, but their concerns don't go away. How can totally active returned missionaries go into total inactivity? When I have heard of such stories, I have always thought that I could identify some glaring flaw in someone's past. But in this case, my boys simply slipped away. Any help?

Confused and Searching Father

Dear Confused and Searching Father:

Living in Utah , especially in predominately LDS areas, can be challenging. On the one hand, Utah is one of the best places to rear an LDS family, and on the other, Utah often provides few opportunities to serve. And service, as we know, is the essence of the gospel and the action that motivates and grows a testimony. My feeling, however, is there are more opportunities to serve beyond the structure of the Church than within--doing many good things of our own free will. For instance, I can promote the plan of salvation to tens of thousands of people throughout the world via my writings on the Internet, which service is not a church calling. Moreover, I have friends, who have extracted tens of thousands of names for the Family History project, and other friends who attend the temple often for their deceased relatives. I know men who quietly respond to requests for priesthood blessings, and miracles happen. I know women who give compassionate service for the pure purpose of love, and who seldom receive recognition. These are not official callings, but they bring people to Christ.

A Plague Facing the Youth

But let me talk about your concerns. I assume that your sons are not married. There is a plague that is increasingly consuming the youth, especially marriage-age returned missionaries. They are postponing marriage for a variety of reasons, typically for selfishness, fear and unwillingness to commit. This Satanic strategy is of great concern to the Brethren, who have spoken about it on a number of occasions. Let me be so bold as to suggest that the underlying problem with your sons is not lack of service but lack of progression.

Eternal Marriage—The Primary Purpose of Mortality

When we consider the gospel globally, we come to the conclusion that the purpose of mortal life (meaning the Second Estate—the life between mortal birth and the resurrection) is two-fold: 1) to get back to God, 2) to be like him when we arrive. I believe that neither goal is possible unless at some time we marry in the temple. The ultimate definition of service is to totally consecrate ourselves by covenant to someone else for a cause greater than we are to the end that life might be enhanced or created. Therefore, temple marriage is the greatest manifestation of consecration and service. Everything and everyone in the universe can be traced back to two people who fell in love and made a covenant at an altar in the temple.

To achieve that lofty goal, we need a mortal body and the covenants and ordinances of the gospel, and all these things lead to an altar in a temple. Nothing else really matters as much in mortality or eternity. Therefore, this is the single issue that occupies the minds of both God and Satan. In one way or another, every commandment or sin impacts the core issue of eternal marriage. I understand that temple marriage happens for different people at different times, but the verity does not change. In one place or another, sometime in this life or the next, before resurrection, this goal must be accomplished.

Magnifying our Priesthood Calling

It is upon the issue of temple marriage issue that elders "magnify their calling" in the priesthood (D&C 84:33-44). Their calling is NOT "callings," or assignments, but the actual calling to eternal life, which can only be achieved through temple marriage. By fulfilling their priesthood calling, elders are both magnified and renewed in the body--that is to say, by this ordinance they now have the power to replicate themselves through posterity with their children carrying the blood of the Covenant and rights to the priesthood and its blessings. By magnifying their calling, elders qualify to receive all that the Father has. These blessings, according to Elder McConkie, are so profound that they are repeated again on the occasion of marriage to both the husband and wife. All other callings pale in comparison to this singular calling— eternal life through temple marriage. Therefore, because temple marriage is the central purpose of mortality and the priesthood, it is going to be viciously attacked by the adversary.

I suggest that you resist the temptation to be sucked into your sons' present concerns and deflect your attention away from the core issue: magnifying one's calling in the priesthood. When that is in place, an elder is finally in a position to serve, and the opportunities will flow.

The Power of Example

It sounds as if your relationship with your sons is good. Perhaps you and your wife could sit down with them and explain why you love each other and how much your temple marriage means to you. Maybe you could talk about the power in the priesthood that comes to you because of your sealing. You could tell your sons of the hope that your sealing provides, and why this single ordinance is the most important thing in your life. You could explain why you want this for them. Despite where they are, they can repent and have this blessing in perhaps a short period of time. Both you and I have seen this happen time and again. It is simply a matter of focusing on the right thing, discarding the counterfeit problem, and moving rapidly toward the critical goal.

I hope this helps.

Larry

Dear Larry:

Thank you for your reply. Wise council. They would do well to receive it. I feel, at this point however, that they have removed themselves from the Church so much that they have lost the associations that would help them meet good LDS young women. The issue of being needed continues to be a stumbling block. One of my sons told me that he just wants someone besides his parents to care about him and appreciate him. I am at a loss. I have expressed this concern to his bishop, who is a kind and loving man, but he seems too busy to follow up. I have asked the elders quorum president to make a visit, but so far nothing has been done.

Thanks again for your council. I will look for a teaching opportunity to share this.

Confused and Searching Father

Dear Confused and Searching Father:

I wonder why it is that we, who serve church callings, are too busy to find the lost sheep or feed the Lord's lambs. It is difficult to find an instance in the Savior's ministry when he was so caught up in administrative concerns that he hadn't the time for individuals in need. I wonder why we boast about being saviors on Mount Zion but fail to do the work of   the   Savior. I wonder if we view advancement to the Melchizedek Priesthood as if it were an increase in scouting rank, and miss the idea entirely that the higher priesthood is the power to bring people to Christ.

When I survey Joseph Smith's life, I see him reaching out and reclaiming numerous lost souls, including W.W. Phelps. Imagine what our hymn book would be like if two elders had not purposely sought out Brother Phelps, or if the prophet had not forgiven his brother.

Nothing of Eternal Consequence Can Be Lost

Our one comfort is the promise that nothing of eternal consequence can be lost because of the actions or inactions of another person. In the end, each person will have his " Alma " experience. The curtains of darkness, deception, sin and confusion will be drawn back revealing the bright light of truth. This is a universal experience, and we have it as two witnesses in the conversion stories of Alma and Paul. When this happens (and sooner or later it will), each person, like Alma and Paul, will have an opportunity to choose. We pray that he or she will choose wisely.

If that person has not sinned beyond reclamation, which is unlikely, the Savior will take him by the hand and walk him back home. Will there be a price to pay? Of course. There was a price for Alma and Paul, too. But the obstacles have already been cleared in the Atonement, and I am certain that the Savior or his servants will explain that verity to the sin-laden soul. The bottom line is this: the prophets' promises are sweeping and contain very little qualifying language. Most wayward children will return. God has a plan of salvation within   the   Plan of Salvation for each of them, and he does not rely on the frailties of men to enact that plan. Nevertheless, we are required to sanctify ourselves to participate in that plan, and it seems that our sanctifying effort is an essential element that God can use to infuse that plan of salvation with power. 

Time is on your side. Things will turn out better than you think.

Larry Barkdull

Dear Larry,

Thank you for your heartfelt response. We know there are blessings promised as a result of being sealed in the temple and for our regular temple attendance. My wife tells me to just love my boys. That is my challenge. I feel that where much is given much is expected. I expect more from them.

My wife says that I shouldn't let it bother me, and she is tired of me bringing it up. She feels that I must hate my sons. I don't hate them. It is because I love them that I want to discuss their situation with her and try to figure how to help them. My wife comes from a family in which several of her siblings became inactive, and two were excommunicated. I did not come from this background. I can't understand how someone could have the gospel then toss it aside.

I could probably drop the issue except that I am always reminded when the boys come home for dinner and flaunt their inactivity. I am concerned for their younger siblings who see this bad example. In front of their younger brothers and sisters, my older boys brag of their Sunday camping trips and the shopping they do. When I say anything about it, I am the bad guy and need to be quiet. This is my home and I want the gospel lived and respected in my home. How can I be at peace and balance all this?

Confused and Searching Father

Dear Confused and Searching Father:

The balancing act of parenthood can be daunting. On the one hand,   Justice   recognizes that there are immutable laws that carry blessings and consequences; on the other hand   Mercy   wants to belay the consequences and bring back the wayward one at any cost.

Justice and Mercy

Balancing   Justice   and   Mercy   is the work of a God.   Peace results only when balance is achieved, therefore, without the Holy Ghost, we mortals could never accomplish balance. Recognizing that we are woefully equipped to shoulder such a task--especially in an emotionally-charged atmosphere when the stakes are high--should drive us to our knees where we plead for grace. When help arrives--and it always does--perspective settles in, and a course of action becomes apparent.

There are several verities that help us endure:

1. Personal sanctification opens the door to revelation and conversion opportunities.
2. The Savior anticipated, paid for, and cleared the obstacles standing between your children's present situation and where they wanted to end up.
3. Agency demands that we choose our destinies. I believe that premortally we parents were presented with a "calling" to rescue some of God's children, we chose to accept that calling, and we were prepared. No one sprung this event upon us. We can draw upon that preparation now.
4. A marriage is a partnership with God. Your unity summons the Savior: "Where two or three are gathered together in my name, as touching one thing, behold, there will I be in the midst of them" (D&C 6:32). Your unity with your wife is the most important factor in rescuing your children.
5. It's going to be alright. Time is on your side. The prophets' promises are so sweeping that we have great cause to hope. What is going on today will dissolve tomorrow. Nothing is impossible with God. Within his Plan of Salvation are personal plans of salvation for your children.
6. Charity NEVER faileth. This powerful statement is astonishing. In a world where everything is programmed to fail--time dwindles, people die, relationships crumble, faith falters, possessions end up in the junk yard, governments come and go, organizations disintegrate--charity alone never fails!

Err on the side of Mercy

My suggestion is to let go of   Justice   for a while and embrace   Mercy.   Center your attention on unconditional love and acceptance, unless your family is endangered. In a kind way, ask your sons not to attack the gospel that you love so much, and in return do not attack their lifestyles. Mutual respect makes family and home safe places, and someday they will need a safe place to land.

Have a frank talk with your younger children about their choices: Will they follow the examples of their brothers or stay true to the gospel? We recall that Lehi had such conversations with his younger sons. Wouldn't it be better for your younger children to make a controlled choice within the walls of your home than outside in the uncontrolled environment of peers?

Become more unified with your wife than you ever have been. Let nothing, not even a difference of opinion, drive a wedge in your relationship. Your unity is your greatest spiritual asset.

And finally remember that charity does not come to us naturally.   "This love,"   Moroni says, is had only by praying for it "with all the energy of heart."   This love  "is the greatest of all...and endureth forever." Increase your level of charity then give it away freely. The person who possesses charity can no more fail than can the charity that defines them. Charity NEVER faileth! This principle is so important that God gave us two witnesses: 1 Corinthians 13 and Moroni 7.

You are a good man. The road you are on is leading to a success that you cannot presently envision, but it exists just the same. You'll see.

Blessings,

Larry

I invite your feedback and stories. Other despairing parents need information and hope. Visit my website: http://www.larrybarkdull.com or email me: lbarkdull@gmail.com.