©iStockphoto.com/Christine Balderas
The Lord has invited us to become as He is. 1 Our every action and thought should be influenced by that invitation. When that has truly become our purpose for the here and the hereafter, then we place ourselves in the enviable position of more successfully staying connected to that purpose.
Consistency is a fundamental and essential characteristic of the Savior's divine disposition. 2 Someone once philosophized, “Consistency thou art a jewel”. 3 When our words and our actions are at odds — when we display a principled life in one circumstance and then flip flop in another — we sell ourselves woefully short and at the same time we do an immeasurable disservice to our children or other youth in our lives who are left to wonder at our lack of integrity.
Commonly, the kind of behavior that shows maturity and good sense is referred to as adult behavior. On closer inspection however, adult behavior can be anything but. Sadly, when we are in the act of demonstrating questionable “adult maturity” we create in our youth, particularly our children, a serious conflict in their process of choosing between right or wrong.
“We live in an age that hath more need of good examples than precepts” 4
The old adage, “Do as I say — not as I do,” when carefully examined by right-thinking people, is usually viewed as an absurd and irresponsible bit of advice. Yet those same people, yes, many of us, fall prey to the subtle and irrational hypocrisy that lies hidden within those words.
As we have reviewed our years of parenting, my wife and I have become aware that at times we did a pretty poor job of providing models of adult behavior that would make sense to our kids. The following incident may help to illustrate the point:
Having had a rough day at work I came home hoping for some peace and quiet and perhaps a little extra love and understanding. However, it became immediately apparent that my wife had a different script in mind. With tears in her eyes and frustration written all over her, she fell into my hesitant arms and began to pour out her tale of two kiddies.
It had been just a beast of a day where nothing she did was appreciated. The kids had been more than a handful and no number of time-outs seemed to help. A good dish had found its way to the trash bin and the clothes dryer refused to heat. And then the neighbor — well, the list of complaints seemed endless.
I knew what a good husband should d, but I didn't have it in me. So I immediately began to let her know what having a tough day really meant. Seeing that her husband felt no empathy, she pulled away and ran into the bedroom. In anger I looked around for something upon which to vent.
Standing in the doorway, looking very guilty, were the two “little demons” that had ruined my homecoming. Roughly, I took each by the arm and dragged them into their bedroom where I gave them a scorching lecture about why they must never treat their mother with disrespect and how they had made her feel like they didn't care.
It isn't always obvious to us when our behavior is inconsistent and unreasonable. This seems to be especially true in the heat of battle, or perhaps when we have convinced ourselves that because we are called upon to suffer the vicissitudes of life we have somehow earned the right to display a certain level of indiscretion and imprudence. When these conditions prevail, we are apt to say and do some very “childish” things.
“A good example is the best sermon” 5
Duplicity in a parent's actions or words may seem, in some instances, to be rather inconsequential or at least partially excusable. But the truth of the matter is that we undermine our otherwise best efforts to teach our children to seek truth and righteousness if we ourselves adopt a cavalier attitude toward the need for personal consistency.
As an example; how many times have children experienced an interchange between mom and dad and themselves that went something like this?
(Mom speaking to dad)
“When are you going to fix the back door? You said you would do it last week.”
Dad replies;
“I'll get to it as soon as I finish watching the game.”
Now the game is over and one of the kids wants to go out and play. Dad asks,
“Have you done your homework?”
“No, but I'll get it done when I come back.”
“Oh no you don't, there will be no play until it gets done!”
Or how about this all too common double standard:
(Mom on the phone)
“Oh, I know what you mean. Did you notice what she wore to church last week? No one should come to church looking that way!”
As mom gets off the phone she hears one of her boys say to his brother,
“You're not going over to Andre's house are you? He's just plain dumb!”
Mom steps in and says,
“That's no way to talk about Andre, he's a nice boy and you shouldn't be bad-mouthing him!”
Our adult conduct while on the road can be equally inconsistent.
Dad drives 10 miles over the speed limit but gets upset if his daughter, who is learning to drive, does the same thing. Dad conducts a lesson in family home evening about forgiveness and love. Later that night when the family is going out for an ice cream, a driver cuts him off on the highway. He responds by using some inappropriate language and calls into question the driver's I.Q.
Mom takes the kids to the store and doesn't buckle up because she feels the belt is uncomfortable — and besides, it is only a few blocks. On the way home the kids decides to follow suit and are immediately set upon by mother as she explains how they could be killed in an accident.
“Conduct has the loudest tongue” 6
Habits affecting health are frequently a cause for confusion.
Mom's lifestyle does not include any exercise or an apparent effort to control her diet. Nonetheless the kids are continually encouraged to go outside to get some exercise and to avoid eating snacks before dinner.
Dad hasn't been very active in church lately, probably because he has taken up the habit of smoking. The children, however, know that they had better be ready to go each Sunday morning and they certainly better not ever be caught smoking.
“Be the same thing that you would be called” 7
Perhaps the realm of entertainment provides us with some of the clearest examples of hypocrisy and bad judgment on the part of the adult population. What to watch in theaters and at home is frequently decided for us by the experts who assign ratings and make suggestions that, if accepted at face value, seem to negate the responsibility of the adult to interfere by spending time to develop a well informed decision.
Dad and Mom go out to a movie that is “R” rated. When they are asked by the kids what they saw they explain that they went to see a movie that had the “R” rating because they were told by their good friends at church that it really had a good message. And actually, it only had a little nudity, a little swearing, and a little — well, maybe quite a few sexual innuendos. The kids are left to ponder on the incongruity.
As many of us know, computers can be helpful in a myriad of ways including entertainment. However, they can also be used to transport us immediately into forbidden paths.
Computers are also amazing instruments for cataloging and storing information. When someone visits a website, that information is retrievable. Young people are becoming very sophisticated in their use of these machines, and it is not a difficult thing to track where previous users have been. Young people have been hurt, frustrated, and confused by finding the dark path that one or both of their parents chose to follow in this cyber-world. This becomes particularly perplexing where the parents have made a concerted effort to teach their children to be clean and chaste and to walk uprightly before the Lord. 8
Of course, whether or not anyone becomes aware of their “adult” choices, is irrelevant, as it relates to and affects their personal standing with the Savior. Sadly, the very fact that they have chosen to take part in this kind of nefarious and surreptitious behavior drives the spirit away and severely compromises their probity. Consequently, they may be left to wonder why they feel uncomfortable when they are taking the role of teacher and mentor with their children and, in turn, why the kids seem somewhat discomfited in their presence especially during the teaching moment. 9
“People look at my six days in the week, to see what I mean on the seventh“ 10
We recognize that there are times and places where it is acceptable, even necessary, for adults to be able to say and do what children are not allowed to say and do. Even so, in every such occasion our effort should be to let our light so shine that all may see our good works and glorify God. 11 When that kind of commitment is solidly in place, then we can encourage our youth to learn from our example, and then, when the time is right, they can be expected to put childish things away. 12
None of us will completely avoid inconsistency in our lives. However, if we have the desire to accept Christ's invitation, 13 then when those moments occur we will be drawn to repentance which includes the process of asking for forgiveness of Heavenly Father and those whom we have offended — even, and maybe especially, the young ones who watch our every action and listen to our every word.
Footnotes
1. D&C 67:13
2.Samuel 22:31
3. Quoted by President Thomas S. Monson
4. Unknown
5. Unknown
6. Unknown
7. Unknown
8. D&C 68:28
9. D&C 42:14
10. Unknown
11. Matthew 5:16
12. 1Corinthians 13:11
13. Matthew 5:48
Click
here to sign up for Meridian's FREE email updates.
© 1999-2008 Meridian
Magazine. All Rights Reserved.
