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“How
then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God? ”
We live in a time of great moral pollution.
Even if we individually take moral purity seriously, we are surrounded
by media and culture that celebrate sex as the currency of the realm.
Immodesty commands our attention. Lust encourages our warped thinking.
Our screen heroes and our real life national heroes are as casual
about sex as about a night on the town. Our contemporary attitude
toward sex creates a desolating scourge.
President Kimball has warned us that
“infidelity is one of the great sins of our generation. The
movies, the books, the magazine stories all seem to glamorize the
faithlessness of husbands and wives. To the world nothing is holy,
not even marriage vows... It reminds us of Isaiah, who said: ‘Woe
unto them that call evil good, and good evil...’ (Isaiah 5:20)”
(Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, p.250).
An Ancient Encounter
One of the great examples of moral
ascendance was Joseph of Israel. His encounter with Potiphar’s
wife is told in just six verses in the book of Genesis.
And it came to pass after these things,
that his master's wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said,
Lie with me.
But he refused, and said unto his
master's wife, Behold, my master wotteth not what is with me in
the house, and he hath committed all that he hath to my hand;
There is none greater in this house
than I; neither hath he kept back any thing from me but thee,
because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness,
and sin against God?
And it came to pass, as she spake
to Joseph day by day, that he hearkened not unto her, to lie by
her, or to be with her.
And it came to pass about this time,
that Joseph went into the house to do his business; and there
was none of the men of the house there within.
And she caught him by his garment,
saying, Lie with me: and he left his garment in her hand, and
fled, and got him out. (Genesis 39:7-12, emphasis added)
We honor Joseph’s valiance and
purity. He was far from his home ward with its attendant accountability.
Potiphar’s wife was alluring and powerful. Yet he resisted
her without hesitation. What an example!
An Enriched Account
The Book of Jasher contains an account
of the encounters between Joseph and Potiphar’s wife that
is much richer and more detailed than that in the Old Testament.
Whether the book that circulates today in the Church as the Book
of Jasher is the same book as that referred to in Joshua and 2 Samuel
is uncertain. John Taylor recommended that the book we know as the
Book of Jasher be considered as history but not as revelation.
Whether the Jasher account of Joseph
is perfectly historical, it is perfectly instructive. It is as dramatic
as anything that has ever come from Hollywood, while being morally
inspiring.
Since the account of Potiphar’s
wife enticing Joseph consumes over 3,000 words in the Book of Jasher,
I will re-tell and summarize the story. When I go beyond summarizing
the story in the Book of Jasher, I put my comments in brackets.
Potiphar brought Joseph to manage
his holdings. God prospered all that Joseph touched. Joseph had
“beautiful eyes and [a] comely appearance” unlike any
in the land of Egypt. Potiphar’s wife, Zelicah, found herself
drawn to him. “She coveted his beauty in her heart, and her
soul was fixed upon Joseph, and she enticed him day after day, and
Zelicah persuaded Joseph daily, but Joseph did not lift up his eyes
to behold his master's wife” (v.16). [Joseph was exemplary.
He did not even look at Zelicah!]
Zelicah flattered Joseph telling him
that she had never seen such a beautiful slave. Joseph responded
that the One who created him created all mankind. She replied that
his eyes dazzled all the inhabitants of Egypt. He observed that
when he died his eyes would frighten her. She praised him for his
words. He replied that his words were beautiful when he praised
God. When she praised his hair, he begged her to stop and take care
of her business. Joseph was not to be won with flattery [which is
one of Satan’s favorite tools for luring us into affairs].
Zelicah persisted. “She enticed
him daily with her discourse to lie with her, or ever to look at
her, but Joseph would not hearken to her” (v.23). So she threatened
him with bondage and death. Joseph’s reply was noble: “Surely
God who created man looseth the fetters of prisoners, and it is
he who will deliver me from thy prison and from thy judgment”
(v. 25).
When she was unable to seduce Joseph,
Zelicah fell into a depression. When her friends came to visit her,
they could not imagine that such a wealthy woman could be unhappy.
So she made a banquet for them. She gave them fruit to cut and peel
and had Joseph appear before them. “And they all cut their
hands with the knives that they had in their hands, and all the
citrons that were in their hands were filled with blood” (v.
29). [ Hollywood never scripted a more dramatic scene!] They could
not look away from Joseph.
Zelicah challenged them. If you cut
yourselves after looking at Joseph, how can I manage myself when
he is constantly in my house? How can I keep from perishing? [Satan
has inspired the lustful question: How can you possibly live around
such a magnificent man without having sex?]
Zelicah’s misery increased.
Her friends encouraged her to seduce him by any means necessary.
So she attacked him. But he broke from her and ran away.
Later she asked Joseph how he could
make her suffer so. She insisted that he would be the death of her.
[It seems that she had turned to guilt: Joseph was responsible for
her misery!] Joseph replied that he would not dishonor his master.
“How then canst thou speak these words unto me, and how can
I do this great evil and sin to God and to thy husband?” (v.
45). [This is reminiscent of Joseph’s words in the Genesis
account.]
She ignored his counsel and continued
daily to entice him. Then a holiday came. As all the people left
for the festivities, she made excuses and remained in the house.
She dressed herself in her most exotic clothes, put on her finest
jewelry, and applied the finest makeup and perfume. Then she took
up a place where she knew Joseph would pass. But as soon as he saw
her, he turned away. She begged him to go about his work.
As he sat to do his work, she stood
before him. In desperation she threatened him. “As the king
liveth if thou wilt not perform my request thou shalt die this day,
and she hastened and stretched forth her other hand and drew a sword
from beneath her garments, and she placed it upon Joseph's neck,
and she said, Rise and perform my request, and if not thou diest
this day” (v. 53). [Many weaker souls would have justified
submitting to her threats. Not Joseph!]
When Joseph fled, she grabbed his
robe and pulled it from him as he departed. When her seduction failed,
she changed into her regular clothes. She sent a messenger to gather
the people of the household and she made her accusation: “See
what a Hebrew your master has brought to me in the house, for he
came this day to lie with me” (v. 57).
Everyone was indignant with Joseph.
Potiphar was enraged. Joseph was punished with severe stripes —
even though Joseph proclaimed his innocence and wise men recognized
the inconsistencies in Zelicah’s story. Joseph was stuck in
the prison house for 12 years! [A lesser man would have cursed God
for punishing him for his virtue!]
Incredibly, Zelicah visited him in
prison for three months trying to persuade him to submit to her
in exchange for his freedom. Even in such desperate circumstances,
Joseph would have none of it. “It is better for me to remain
in this house than to hearken to thy words, to sin against God.
(v. 78, Book of Jasher, Chapter XLIV).
While Hollywood makes drama out of
lust and seduction, the truly great dramas celebrate something different:
faithfulness and holiness. Much like Jesus, “He suffered temptations
but gave no heed unto them” (D&C 20:22). In a time when
lust is the backdrop to almost all relationships, Joseph stands
as an example to us of a pure heart. Joseph honored his covenants
above pleasure, lust, threats, or convenience. He gave no place
for evil.
Modern Subtlety
Today Satan attacks saints with subtle
and indirect means. He gets us inappropriately close to someone
who is not our spouse under the guise of missionary work, friendship,
or helpfulness. He subtly builds inappropriate emotional bonds while
quieting our consciences with weak rationalizations. Perhaps this
is Satan’s favorite ploy with those who desire goodness and
are filled with compassion. The Book of Mormon describes his strategy.
And others will he pacify, and lull
them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well
in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well — and thus the
devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down
to hell. (2 Nephi 28:21)
An Unchanging Standard
Ancient Joseph of Israel may be especially
instructive to us. While he was raised with righteous standards,
his experience in Egypt was similar in many ways to the seduction
and evil we experience in our culture. Just as Zelicah relentlessly
lured him toward evil, so our common talk, TV, and movies suggest
that chastity is outmoded.
Modern prophets have unapologetically
declared the same standard that Joseph lived by.
There are those married people
who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant,
who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their
hearts and have desire for someone other then the wife or the
husband. The Lord says in no uncertain terms: ‘Thou shalt
love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and
none else’ (D&C 42:22).
And, when the Lord says all they heart, it allows for
no sharing nor dividing nor depriving. ... The words none
else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes
preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social
life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest
nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion
spouse...
Marriage presupposes total allegiance and total fidelity. Each
spouse takes the partner with the understanding that he or she
gives totally to the spouse all the heart, strength, loyalty,
honor, and affection, with all dignity. Any divergence is sin;
any sharing of the heart is transgression. As we should have ‘an
eye single to the glory of God,’ so should we have an eye,
an ear, a heart single to the marriage and the spouse and family.
(Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, p.141-143).
An Example of Deception
A good friend
taught me a lot about the subtle process that Satan uses. She is
an earnest married Latter-day Saint. She caught me at a social gathering
to tell me of a great friendship she had developed with a man in
her ward. She and he enjoyed great discussions about the gospel.
Sometimes he called her from work. Occasionally they met downtown
for lunch. He bought her little gifts. She told me how much she
enjoyed her companionship with the man. I was worried. Then she
told me how good the man was with children... and how she wished
her husband would be as sensitive. Then I knew.
The devil had carefully woven her
discontent about her husband together with her affection for another
man. The effect was devastating to her marriage. She was trying
to find some way to leave her husband while still doing all she
believed was right. It is a damned-if-you-do and damned-if-you-don't
situation. She does not enjoy her marriage and family. Yet she can't
find any way to have what she thinks she wants. She is trapped.
She is right where the devil wants her. She is miserable.
The devil's methods for tricking us
are predictable. Trouble starts with behaviors that seem very innocent.
We do good, helpful things: supporting a troubled neighbor, sharing
gospel ideas with a ward member, working closely with another person
on a ward activity, listening to the troubles of a co-worker. All
of these kindnesses are good. But the trouble begins as a person
starts to feel responsible or very close to someone who is not his
or her marriage partner. An affection is growing that claims part
of the heart that belongs only to the spouse
The covenant we make with God to avoid
all sexual relations outside of marriage precludes not only physical,
but also romantic relationships outside of marriage, even if they
are only mental or emotional.
Elder Gene R. Cook has said that we
do not have the right to stimulate or be stimulated by anyone who
is not our spouse ("The Eternal Nature of the Law of Chastity").
That is a high standard! We do not have the right to allow or entertain
sexual feelings for anyone but our spouses. In the early stages
of extramarital flirting, the intoxicating feeling of someone's
affection and the sense of our innocence may blind us to the seriousness
of our situation.
Stages of Unfaithfulness
The unfaithfulness moves to a more
serious and dangerous stage of unfaithfulness when one or both of
the people declare their relationship "special." They
would never dream of "doing anything immoral or improper."
But a person increasingly makes excuses to see the special friend.
They plan their schedules to assure that they will be together.
Cards, notes and gifts are exchanged.
One tell-tale indicator that a relationship
has moved to a dangerous stage is worrying about what people may
say about the time or affection that you are sharing with the other
person. Another indicator is making excuses or telling lies to hide
the time or resources spent on the other person.
This is the point when ”friends”
begin sharing more of their daily thoughts and feelings with each
other than with their spouses. At this point the spouse is displaced
as the key recipient of heartfelt communication and emotional intimacy
is given to an outsider. These are sure signs that you are doing
something wrong.
By now, sacred covenants have already
been violated and permanent damage lurks. The rightful place of
spouse in a person's heart is crowded by affections for another
person. At this stage of unfaithfulness the person is especially
likely to be finding fault with his or her spouse. The spouse is
compared to the special friend: "I wish my husband were as
good with children as Fred." "I wish my wife were as alert
and interesting as Mandy."
At this stage a person is misled enough
to start weaving fantastic fantasies. One form of the fantasizing
may sound like “Maybe the Lord wants me to be happy with this
other person — and in my case divorce would be sanctioned
by Him.”
In a more malignant form, it may sound
like: "Maybe the Lord will take my husband so that John and
I can be together. Somehow, someday, the Lord will work this beautiful
relationship out for us."
Ouch! The Lord does not want us to
drop out of His finishing school at the first sign of challenge.
Also, the Lord is not a heavenly hit man who takes out selected
children in order to satisfy our whims and lustful fantasies. He
asks instead that we learn to love each other and overlook the inevitable
faults we discover. He asks that we honor commitments and strengthen
our partners. He asks that we be as good and kind to our partners
as we would have them be to us. This is the Christian mandate in
its most soul-stretching form.
This stage of unfaithfulness can be
a full-blown addiction even if physical intimacies have not been
shared. The treatment for it can be wrenching. But rationalizing
that it is not a problem and that we can handle it may only delay
the pain and increase the risk of further, permanent damage to the
family.
The final stage of unfaithfulness
begins officially with the showing of any physical affection. It
is easy for "special friends" to justify a squeeze. Even
a kiss seems innocent enough. The "friends" may be determined
to avoid immorality at all costs. They may think that full sexual
expression is not even to be considered. But intoxication with the
pleasures of romance make the insistent and powerful pleading of
biological urges more and more difficult to ignore. Even if a couple
exercises the restraint to avoid having intercourse, the damage
to family relations that comes from divided loyalties and ugly dishonesty
is terrific and tragic. Trust is destroyed. Covenants, with all
of their glorious promises, are wasted.
But it does not have to be that way.
At any point in the process we can repent. The more time and emotion
that we have invested in our fantasy, the harder it is to repent.
Satan will not let go of us gladly.
We may try to kid ourselves into thinking
that we can somehow honor our covenants while holding a special
place in our heart for the soulmate. But we lie to ourselves and
to God in believing this. We violate our covenants. The devil must
roar as he observes us feeling confined by our sacred covenants
while yearning for something that does not and cannot satisfy. Wickedness
never was — and never will be — happiness ( Alma 41:10).
An Ounce of Prevention
Latter-day Saints should be alert
to the predictable temptations that Satan uses to break up marriages.
We should monitor our behavior and our feelings closely. By being
alert to the danger signs we can prevent the problems that begin
so innocently but end so disastrously.
There
are several guidelines
1. Do not allow the seeds of lust to germinate.
Do not look on another woman or man with lust. Do not entertain
mental fantasies of romance or passion. Do not let your mind be
poisoned with the sick encounters in soap operas, worldly literature,
or any form of pornography.
2. Never make excuses to spend time
alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.
Guard the level of emotional intimacy you build with a non-spouse.
As Shirley Glass, a scholar on faithfulness, said, we should maintain
a wall between us and those who are not friends to our marriage
— who threaten it in any way. We may open a window to those
who are friends of our marriage. And there should be no walls
or windows between us and our spouses. We should be as one.
3. Take responsibility for the messages
that you give. You do not have the right to be "cute"
or flirty with anyone but your spouse. Do not use cards, gifts
or charm to win the affection of anyone who is not your spouse.
4. Do not allow your heart to dwell
on anyone. Push daydreaming of any person but your spouse out
of your mind promptly. When you are worried about the intruder,
pray for him or her and trust Heavenly Father to care for him
or her. The untangling of excuses and emotional dependence can
be the hardest part of overcoming the
5. If you find yourself making excuses
for continuing the relationship, you are addicted. Get help. Talk
with your bishop or stake president. Seek out the help of friends
who will help you overcome your addiction.
6. Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse.
Have weekly dates doing those things that you enjoy together.
Find ways to improve your relationship. Be patient. Recognize
that many of our frustrations with our spouses are built on the
false assumption that they ought to be a certain way. Change your
assumptions. Recognize that even the best marriages have more
and less satisfying times. Be patient. Be true to your covenants.
Enjoy your partner as he or she is. It is easy to believe that
things will never be right with your spouse. Trust the Lord that
He can heal all wounds.
7. Renew your spiritual efforts. Turn to the Lord in prayer. Ask
for strength to put temptation out of your mind. Fill your empty
places with service, scripture study, and love for your family.
8. Don't set yourself up for failure. Don't allow yourself to
spend time alone with the person. Avoiding is better than resisting.
Make your spouse a partner in all of your efforts to help a person
of the opposite sex.
9. Keep your soul free of the soul-numbing barrenness of pornography.
The greatest sin of pornography may be that it reduces the sacrament
of intimacy to a random and wanton act of self-gratification.
Preserve or renew your awe in the blessing of simple acts of affection.
10. Celebrate the sweet gift of companionship. The amazing message
from our marriage partners is: “I’m trusting you with
my life, my body, my hopes, my dreams. Please be kind and gentle.”
Each of us should rejoice in the sacred gift of spousal trust.
If we have squandered any part of it, we should work to re-qualify
for it.
As my wise colleague James Marshall observes, “The grass is
greener on the side of the fence you water.” If we tend our
own little patch, even with all its weeds and rocks, we will find
a joy that passes understanding. If we sit on the fence and dream,
we will lose even our allotted garden spot. And the devil knows
that.
We should be prepared for Satan's
attacks. He offers love, fun and a satisfying life. But it is a
lie. He wants to get us to violate our covenants. But he has no
joy to deliver on his grandiose promises. He is the master of misery.
That is all he has to offer.
If we have been unwise enough to have
been caught in a trap, we may repent. When we honor covenants made
with our Heavenly Father we are always blessed. Always. Sometimes
Father's process requires us to be patient. Sometimes He requires
us to bear discomfort. But He always blesses those who obey Eternal
laws. And the blessings are in incredible disproportion to the price
we have paid.
To those who claim their love is dead,
let them return home with all their loyalty, fidelity, honor, and
cleanness, and the love that has become but embers will flare up with
scintillating flame again. If love wanes or dies, it is often infidelity
of thought or act that gave the lethal potion (Spencer W. Kimball,
Faith Precedes the Miracle, p.147).
The Joy of Fidelity
Fidelity may seem to be confining.
It always will — unless we adopt God’s perspective.
Through the lens of spirituality we see all
the commandments of God as invitations to blessings. Obedience
and sacrifice, loyalty and love, fidelity and family, all appear
in eternal perspective. (Dallin H. Oaks, Pure in Heart,
p.123)
Those who have loved faithfully and
patiently reap a harvest of joy and companionship. This sweet truth
is acknowledged even by secular scholars.
... for true lovers at all points in history,
a fleeting touch on the cheek from the one they adore will be
worth more than six hours in 37 positions with someone they do
not. (p. 85, Intimate Behavior)
Those who resist the lure and guile
of Satan, those who honor covenants, those who tend the little garden
of their own covenants, will enjoy sweetness in this life and rewards
unmeasured in the world to come.
As usual, Satan’s lies are extravagant
— but empty. In contrast God’s promises are sure. When
we, like Joseph, quietly honor our covenants—even making sacrifices
and fighting temptation — God will reward us with blessings
unfathomable to those who have grabbed pleasure over principle.
Be glad in the LORD, and rejoice,
ye righteous: and shout for joy, all ye that are upright in heart.
(Psalms 32:11)
Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down,
and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your
bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be
measured to you again. (Luke 6:38)
Applications
Do you notice times when you feel
drawn toward someone who is not your spouse? Have you purified
your heart so that you choose obedience over the ego-buzz of
romance? Do you push away temptation and call on Heaven for
mercy?
Are you cultivating appreciation
for sweet companionship? Are you consciously grateful for the
blessing of simple affection?
References
and recommended reading
Glass, S. P., & Staeheli,
J. C. (2004). Not “just friends”: Rebuilding
trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity. New
York: Simon & Schuster.
Kimball, S. W. (1973). Faith
precedes the miracle. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.
Thanks to Barbara K. for sharing her wise insights that enriched
this chapter.
Elements of this narrative were drawn from my earlier work,
The Frightful and Joyous Journey of Family Life, Bookcraft.
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