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Believing
in Others
by
Claudia Goodman
Music Camp
Lesson
Shortly
after Steve and I were married, we taught at a music camp in Rexburg,
Idaho. Steve's dad was the orchestra conductor. Because many of
the orchestra members were young, inexperienced players, Dad Goodman
asked us to sit in and play to give some added strength. One of
the numbers contained a challenging oboe solo. When the oboe player
tried it, we all cringed. It was terrible-totally out of tune, nothing
but a series of squawks and blunders. In short, the melody was not
even recognizable.
It was so hopelessly
beyond repair that I found myself musing about what I would do in
Dr. Goodman's shoes. I decided that he only had two options: (1)
sidestep the issue by choosing a different piece of music, (2) assign
the flute player to play the solo instead. To my amazement he chose
neither.
Instead, he
smiled at the oboe player, who was cowering in her seat, painfully
aware of her limitations. He said, "You are a very fine player.
Let me hear that part again." Then as the girl tried it again while
he conducted, he kept smiling and saying, "Yes, beautiful! You're
doing great! It sounds wonderful!" At the end of the solo he stopped
the orchestra and said, "We have an excellent oboist. This solo
will be one of the climaxes of the piece."
We were all
shocked at his statement. Most of us wondered if he was simply not
facing up to reality. But by the concert the following week, his
prediction came true. The oboe solo was absolutely beautiful-one
of the high points of the entire concert. How did he accomplish
such a feat in just one week? It's simple. He believed in the
oboe player, and she rose to the occasion.
I learned a
lesson that day I have never forgotten: the power of believing in
others. Do we realize the severe limitations we place on our children
and spouses when we doubt their ability? How often do we hear parents
tear down family members-even in public, and all too often in front
of them?
"Are you sure
you want to fix dinner? What if you burn it?"
"Your hair
is a mess. Go back and fix it."
"I don't think
you'll ever learn to spell."
"Danny is tone
deaf. He'll never be able to sing."
"You never
get your homework done."
"You never
think of anyone but yourself."
"You'll never
be very good at dancing. You're too awkward."
"Honey, why
don't you ever pay the bills on time?"
"Well, why don't
you just quit spending everything I make?
Would we ever
consider saying such things to an adult outside our family-even
if they are true? How many adults do you know who are convinced
that they can't sing or do math or speak in public-just because
of one careless comment made by an unthinking adult when
they were young? Have we forgotten that children have feelings and
that they absorb everything we say like a sponge? Are we aware that
children can understand what we say and think long before they can
talk? Evidence shows that some of their belief system is formed
even before birth from their parents' comments and feelings. Do
we realize that once that belief system is in place, it is extremely
difficult to change?
Henry Ford said,
"Whatever the human mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve."
What greater gift can we give our children than to unlock their
potential?
"Good luck on
your math test. I know you can do it!"
"Wow! You made
your own bed."
"I love the
way you unloaded the dishwasher. You are so organized."
"Thank you for
sharing with Rachel. You are so thoughtful."
"Your hair looks
beautiful this morning. I'm really impressed with how well you fix
it."
"You look pretty!"
"I love you!"
"I'm so proud
of you. Way to go!"
A Good Reputation
to Live Up To
One of the most powerful ways we can show others we believe
in them is to give them a good reputation to live up to,
as illustrated in the previous examples.
When my dad
was in medical school, one of his courses singled out a classmate
without her knowledge. All morning the students made casual remarks
to her such as, "Are you all right? You look like you don't feel
well. Are you sick? You look terrible. Maybe you'd better go home.
You look so pale." By early afternoon she went home sick. She unknowingly
lived up to the reputation they set for her.
All of our children
could sing right on pitch from the time they were two-except David.
Even at age six he was still hopelessly off key. What could we do?
We didn't want to squelch him. He was a lot more important than
our performances, but still, it would be nice if we sounded good.
Steve came up with the perfect solution. He turned David's mic down
while he sang with the other children. No one knew but the two of
us, and his self-confidence continued to grow.
Eventually we
were blessed with an exceptionally fine vocal coach, Brett Manning.
When it was David's turn at our first lesson, he stood apprehensively,
conscious by now that he didn't sing as well as the rest of us.
Halfway through the first scale Brett stopped abruptly and exclaimed,
"Where did he get that voice?" David shrank into the corner. Then
Brett continued, "It's unbelievable! I've never heard such a powerful
voice in a young boy! How did you learn to sing like that, young
man?" David had braced himself for anticipated criticism, but ended
up glowing with the praise.
From that moment
his voice emerged. No, it exploded! He sang for hours around
the house, his strong, clear voice resonating with full vibrato.
We rearranged our songs to give him more solos, because as Brett
pointed out, David had a "landmark voice." Two years later when
David was killed in a car accident, the newspaper quoted a Los Angeles
talent scout as saying, "David Goodman has a better voice than Donny
Osmond." Giving a good reputation to live up to can do more than
build a person's self-image. It can produce miracles!
Positive
Labels
Another way we can show others that we believe in them is to
use only positive labels. Negative labels can be
a real blow to a child or spouse's self image, because the person
often comes to see himself in that light.
"You are so
sloppy. Why can't you keep your room clean?"
"Sarah is such
a chunk. She must eat all the time."
"Oh, don't mind
Brian. He's just shy. Brian, why can't you say hi to Mrs. Brown?
Are you too afraid?"
"You are so
clumsy! Watch where you're going."
"You're such
a spendthrift."
"You're such
a tightwad."
"You are so
rude."
"You're always
late."
Negative labels
limit others' chance to succeed-at least in your presence. Positive
labels, on the other hand, give them the reassurance that you believe
in them and unleash limitless potential.
"You are so
smart!"
"I'm impressed
with your patience."
"You showed
so much courage at the tryout."
"I like the
way you stay so cheerful."
"You are very
creative."
"You are really
talented."
"Thank you
for being so honest."
"You have great
stage presence."
One of our daughters
was struggling in kindergarten and first grade. We ended up moving
to a different school at the end of third quarter. After the second
day of school, I stood waiting to pick up my children as usual.
Julianne's teacher was on bus duty and spotted me. She walked up
to me and said, "Julianne is as smart as a whip!" I have never forgotten
that one simple comment. It not only gave me hope, but her attitude
transformed Julianne as well. From that turning point Julianne soared
through school and graduated summa cum laude as the valedictorian
of her class at BYU.
Praise
Positive labels can really help others see themselves for their
potential and believe in what they are and what they can become.
However, we must be very careful with these labels, or they can
backfire on us. If a person is continually identified with the same
label, he may come to believe that he only has worth as he lives
up to that label. As often as possible we should praise
specific actions, avoiding the words never and always.
In this way we don't tie a person too closely with a label. Here
are some examples:
"I'm impressed
that you already have your homework done. Doesn't it make you feel
good when you work so hard?" Rather than "You always get your homework
done on time. You are so smart that you never have any problems
with it," which gives him an impossible goal to reach. No one always
gets his homework done on time without any effort.
"That was so
nice of you to share your ball with your little brother. You really
made him happy." Rather than "You always share your toys. You are
the most thoughtful person I know." No one always shares, nor should
he have to. We need to know we are still good people, even if we
don't share 100% of the time and even when we have times we don't
feel like helping others.
"Thank you for
doing the dishes tonight, even though it wasn't your turn. It means
so much that you would do them for me." Rather than "You are always
serving. You never let anyone down when they need help." No one
can always be all things to all people. If we give that kind of
reputation to live up to, we are setting up someone to fail.
Avoid Sarcasm
As we show others that we believe in them, one of the most important
things we can do is avoid sarcasm. One of my favorite
quotes comes from the wonderful book Children: the Challenge
by Rudolph Dreikurs. He says, "We cannot build on weakness; we can
only build on strength." We have a strict rule in our family that
no one ever uses sarcasm, because we have found that no matter what
a person says, they mean it. And no matter what tone of voice they
use, the other person usually believes it. Think about it. If you
say, even to a very skinny person, "You look kind of heavy," that
person will immediately begin to worry about their weight. If you
say in a light, laughing tone, "Don't worry about John. He never
catches onto the joke," John will see himself as slow and dull.
Our daughter
came home from school with deep concerns about her choir teacher.
On the day of auditions one of the students said, "I don't sing
very well." The choir teacher insisted that she sing a scale anyway
and then commented, "You're right. You don't sing very
well!" She meant it as a joke, and the girl laughed it off. But
that night she went home and cried to her mother.
When my daughter
volunteered to try out for the alto part of a quartet, the teacher
said to her in front of the class, "Not you! Your voice is much
too high to sing alto."
My daughter
was so shocked to be spoken to in that way that she said, "Me?"
The teacher
mimicked her in a high-pitched voice, "Me?" Then she added sarcastically,
"You have to talk low if you want to sing alto, not in that high-pitched
voice."
My daughter
bowed her head to hide the tears. After a couple of weeks of her
saying every night, "Mom, the choir teacher doesn't like me. Even
my friends tell me she doesn't like me," I decided it was time to
have a parent-teacher conference.
As is my practice
I began the conference by telling the teacher something positive-how
much my daughter enjoyed her selection of music. Then I told her
of my concern that my daughter felt that she didn't like her. The
choir teacher was shocked! She had no idea that she had done anything
to make her students feel that way. Sarcasm had become such a way
of life for her that she didn't even realize she was using it-many
times in every class. It has been our experience that sarcasm
always hurts-even when a person becomes skilled at covering
up the wounds. Playful teasing that compliments someone and builds
his reputation is great. We all need to laugh and have fun-but never
at someone else's expense. The best rule is to avoid sarcasm at
all costs.
As we work toward
believing in others, our goal is to help them learn to distinguish
between themselves and their actions. People eventually need to
feel that they are of worth no matter what they do or don't do,
and no matter what anyone else thinks. Giving a good reputation
to live up to, using positive labels, praising specific actions,
and avoiding sarcasm can all help others to recognize the tremendous
potential they have and instill in them the courage to try new things
and reach that potential. And finally they will gain the strength
and confidence to stand firm in their own convictions of their worth.
"Take It
As A Compliment"
We can help others believe in themselves by
not allowing them to talk negatively about themselves. If someone
says, "I'm not very smart," we can respond by saying, "That's not
true," and if possible add a specific example, such as, "The story
you wrote for English was outstanding," or "You are the one who
figured out how to get the computer working again." Positive
self-talk is critical to positive self-image. We all need
to constantly tell ourselves, "I can do that. I am a very capable
person. I have a lot of ability. I am a good person."
In working to
help our children rely on their own convictions of self-worth, we
coined the phrase, "Take it as a compliment." We
have used that phrase countless times over the years to counteract
the tendency all of us have to tear ourselves down or use the comments
of others to validate mistaken convictions. If we learn to turn
the comments and actions of others around, we can take them as a
compliment. Here are some examples:
When someone
says, "That's a weird shirt you are wearing," respond with "Thanks.
I'm glad you like it!" Rather than whining, "Mom, nobody likes my
shirt."
When the husband
says, "Honey, the house is in shambles. What happened?" the wife
can respond, "That's because I made you a special dinner, and you're
going to love it!"
When someone
says, "Boy, you're weaving all over the road," you could respond,
"Oh, I was just trying to tame this car. It's got a mind of its
own!" Rather than feeling like, "I am a lousy driver."
Love Unconditionally
Perhaps the bottom line to believing in others is to love
unconditionally. It is interesting that people can sense
immediately whether we truly love them or are just putting on a
show. My sister told me about her little daughter, who most people
regarded as quite a terror when she was young. She was continually
misbehaving to get attention. On the way home from Disneyland she
was throwing a tantrum because she didn't want to leave. As my sister
tried to turn her thoughts to the advantages of returning home,
her daughter suddenly sat up straight in her seat and said, "And
we can go see Uncle Steve. You know, the one who loves me." My husband
hadn't had that many contacts with her, but he had seen past the
behavior that distressed others into the beauty of her soul. Although
he had never said the words "I love you" to her, she knew.
We all know when someone really cares.
Our daughter
Christy tells the following story: "It had been a hard day, a hard
week, a hard month. All I could do was cry. My dad walked into the
room and asked "What's the matter?"
I said "Nothing."
I didn't want to talk about it.
My dad put on
some romantic music-I think it was "Snow White"-and waltzed with
me around the kitchen table. Then he said, "You'll always be my
girl." At that moment it didn't matter who else thought anything
about me. I knew that my dad loved me.
No matter what
happens to any of us in life, if we know someone believes in us,
if we know someone loves us, we can go on. In turn we can make such
a difference in other people's lives if we only believe in them.
And ultimately no matter what happens, there is always One who believes
in all of us and loves us infinitely. He will never let us down;
He will always be there for us. All we have to do is believe.
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