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Talk About
It
by
Claudia Goodman
Everyone knows
that at the root of almost every broken friendship or marriage is
a lack of communication. Yet how often do we feel clueless when
it comes to talking things through? For most of us, the big question
is "Where do we start?" Usually the only communication strategies
we know are those modeled by our parents, which may or may not be
adequate. And we seldom analyze our own communication skills until
we really need them.
As a young family
we tried hard to show the love we felt for each other, but there
were still differences of opinion and occasional clashes. We realized
that our children weren't trying to be bad; they just didn't know
how to handle the disagreements that are a part of everyday life.
We quickly discovered that the story doesn't end "happily ever after"
without considerable effort.
At that point
my husband Steve came up with a simple but highly effective method
he called "Talk About It." He invited all the children to sit on
the sofa so he had their undivided attention while he explained
that in our family we never fight, hit, argue, or yell. We "Talk
About It." Over the years we have helped our children work through
their problems using the six steps Steve outlined. The steps are
so simple that even young children can follow them. Yet they are
so effective that they can save a marriage, a friendship, or a family
relationship.
The six steps
we use to "Talk About It" are: (1) Stay Calm, (2) Listen to the
Other Side, (3) Explain How You Feel, (4) Ask Non-Accusing Questions,
(5) Meet in the Middle, and (6) Practice Makes Perfect. Let's take
a typical example and then show how these steps apply.
Example:
Three-year-old Brandon bursts into the room crying at the top of
his lungs. "Mommy," he yells, "Chris took my truck away from me
and broke it, and now he won't give it back!"
"I did not!"
six-year-old Chris retorts. "You left it out. And besides, you wrecked
my Lego town, so it serves you right."
"Give me
my truck," roars Brandon.
""No! I
had it first," Chris snarls.
In desperation
Brandon sinks his teeth into Chris's arm.
"Ouch!"
Chris shrieks and shoves Brandon down.
Brandon
howls so dramatically that Mother rushes into the room.
"Chris,
what have you done to your little brother?" she shouts in great
alarm. "You are such a bully. How many times do I have to tell you
boys to quit fighting? Chris, give him back the truck, and both
of you be nice to each other."
Chris sullenly
hurls the truck at Brandon, who is gloating with satisfaction as
Mother storms out of the room muttering, "Kids! I hope this is just
a stage; it's driving me crazy!"
Brandon
mimics Mother, shaking his finger at Chris and saying, "You are
such a bully!"
Chris takes
a dive at Brandon and the skirmish resumes. How loud will they have
to shout before Mother fumes back in to break it up?
Left to themselves,
children's reactions to each other can often be similar to those
described in the example. Now let's replay this situation and apply
the six steps that can lead this family to "Talk About It" to resolve
their conflicts.
Stay
Calm
The first step is to Stay Calm. It's amazing
how hard it is to be objective and caring if you are shouting at
each other at the top of your lungs. It puts those involved on the
defense and creates emotional barriers between them. The quote,
"You are shouting so loud I can't hear what you're saying" applies
here; also the scripture "A soft answer turneth away wrath." (Proverbs
15:1)
The basic ground
rule for staying calm is that all who are involved must talk over
the problem in a relaxed voice, free of uncontrolled emotion at
all times. There are no exceptions. If a child loses control of
his voice, he is not ready to talk and is allowed time to cool off
alone, usually in a bedroom or other empty room (if two children
share the same bedroom). The child is never punished. He is merely
allowed time to clear out the negative emotion so he can think rationally.
If parents are consistent, the cooling off period usually becomes
shorter and shorter as children recognize that the sooner they get
their problem solved, the sooner they can be on to other things.
Once the children
begin to talk through their problem, if they resort to whining,
crying, or raising their voices, they are given one or two chances
to repeat what they said in a calm voice. Sometimes the parent needs
to model this tone of voice so they can hear how they need to change
the way they express their words. If the child becomes too upset
to speak calmly, he is given another chance to cool off in his room
alone. It is very important that the parents don't become emotionally
involved in the learning process, or it becomes punishment.
The calm voice
must be maintained through the entire process of "Talk About It."
Now let's replay the first part of the example.
Example
Replay: Three-year-old Brandon bursts into the room crying at the
top of his lungs. "Mommy," he yells, "Chris took my truck away from
me and broke it, and now he won't give it back!"
"I did not!"
six-year-old Chris retorts. "You left it out. And besides, you wrecked
my Lego town, so it serves you right."
At the sound
of contention Mother drops what she is doing and calmly enters the
room. She says, "It sounds like we have a little problem here. Would
you boys like to sit down in the living room with me and talk about
it?"
"No!" shouts
Brandon. "It's all Chris's fault. I wasn't doing anything, and he
took my truck away from me and broke it."
"Hey, you
weren't even holding it, and you shouldn't have left it out," Chris
retorts.
"Maybe you
two need to cool off a little," says Mother pleasantly. "Chris,
why don't you go spend a few minutes in the family room, and Brandon,
you go to your bedroom. Let me know when you're ready, okay." (Mother
is careful not to make going to separate rooms a punishment. It
is merely a place to cool off.)
Ten minutes
later Chris pokes his head out of the family room. "I'm ready to
talk now," he says.
Mother knocks
on the bedroom door. "Brandon, are you ready?"
"I guess
so," replies Brandon. The boys follow Mother into the living room.
"Chris was
being mean to me," Brandon starts, his voice ending in a whine.
"I'm sorry,
but I can't understand you when you whine," says Mother gently.
"Would you like to try that again in a happy voice?"
Brandon's
second attempt is better but still a little whiney. "That's better,"
says Mother. "Now let's see if you can say it like this in a calm
voice with no whine at all: 'Mom, I'm feeling a little bit sad right
now. Can we talk?'"
If Brandon can
repeat after Mother in a calm voice, the discussion proceeds. If
not, another short cooling off period may be required. Staying calm
is critical to the success of the discussion and must be maintained
the entire time.
Listen to
the Other Side
Now that emotions are under control, we are ready for the second
step: Listen to the Other Side. The ground rule
here is that the other person gets to tell his side of the story
calmly and without interruption. Everyone else must listen--with
their hearts--and really try to understand the other person's point
of view--what he actually did and why.
Amazing things
happen when people truly listen. They learn that the other person
rarely does something just to make someone mad. Usually what he
did was unintentional, and very often he is not even guilty of the
accusation. Most bitter feelings melt away if we just take time
to listen.
Let's return
to the replay of our example. Now that Chris and Brandon are staying
calm and in control of their voices, we can continue.
Example
Replay: Mother says, "Why don't we hear Brandon's side of the story
first. Then we'll hear Chris's. Is that all right with everyone?…Okay,
go ahead, Brandon."
Brandon
begins, "Well, I was just playing with my truck, and Chris came
up and took it."
"Mom, that's
not what happened," interrupts Chris.
"Just a
minute, Chris," says Mother. "You'll get your turn. Let's listen
to Brandon first."
Brandon
continues, "Anyway, Chris just took my truck away from me and broke
it. I wasn't doing ANYTHING. Then he pushed me down and hurt me."
"Okay,"
Mother replies. "Is that all you want to tell us?"
"Yes," says
Brandon.
"Thank you,
Brandon," says Mother.
Explain
How You Feel
Once the other person has had a chance to express his point
of view, it is time for you to Explain How You Feel.
The ground rule for this step is to talk in terms of how the experience
made you feel, rather than accusing the other person. We
finally invented a dialogue sentence to help our younger children
learn to express themselves. It goes like this: "When you ________,
it makes me feel __________." For example, "When you borrowed my
clean shirt without asking, it made me feel frustrated, because
I was planning to wear it tomorrow." The other way to say it is
very judgmental: "Why did you take my shirt without asking? You're
always stealing my clothes." Here's another example: "When you tease
me about my hair, it makes me feel self-conscious," rather than
"You said my hair looks weird, but yours looks a lot worse than
mine. You're always trying to cut me down."
You are on dangerous
ground when you accuse another person or his motives. You may not
have all the facts. However, when you express how you feel, no one
can deny what you are saying, because they are not you. They don't
know. Furthermore, it gives the other person room to change, because
he's not on the defense.
Here's what
happens when we replay the next part of the example. Notice how
different Chris's perspective is than what Mother concludes in the
original version.
Example
Replay: Mother continues, "Now it's Chris's turn."
"I was building
a town out of Lego blocks," explains Chris. "I was almost finished
when I saw Brandon's brand new birthday truck in the middle of the
floor. It looked like one of the wheels was missing, and I was afraid
Brandon would really feel bad, so I decided to fix it.
"I found
the wheel and was trying to put it on when Brandon came into the
room. He was so mad to see me with his truck that he smashed my
whole Lego town. I guess I was kind of mad after that, so I wouldn't
give his truck back. He yelled at me, and I yelled back. Then he
bit me. I pushed him to get him off my arm. I'm sorry, Brandon."
"Thank you,
Boys," says Mother. "I'm glad you can talk calmly about what happened."
Ask
Non-Accusing Questions
The fourth step is to Ask Non-Accusing Questions.
Phrasing things we need to know as questions prevents us from making
snap judgements. It also helps others retain their self-respect
and removes barriers, since no accusations are being made. It leaves
people free to draw their own conclusions and admit their wrongs
without losing face. The way we ask questions also makes a difference.
"Was there a reason you hit your brother?" opens communication,
while "Why did you hit your brother?" puts a person on the defense.
A direct accusation such as "You shouldn't have hit your brother"
closes communication even more.
The example
replay shows how effectively questions can be used to open doors.
Example
Replay: Mother continues the discussion. "Now that we have heard
from both of you, do you mind if I ask a few questions?…First of
all, Brandon: Chris said he was trying to fix your truck. Did he
actually take it away from you, or did he already have it when you
came into the room?"
"Well, I
guess he got it off the floor, because I didn't give it to him,"
Brandon admits.
"So you're
saying he didn't really take it away from you?" Mother asks.
"No," explains
Brandon. "I just wanted it back."
"Okay,"
continues Mother. "You mentioned that you didn't do ANYTHING, but
that Chris just pushed you down. Do you remember knocking down his
Lego town or biting him?"
"Well, I
did kind of mess up his town a little, because I was mad about my
truck. But I don't think I really bit him," says Brandon slowly.
"Chris,
where did you get bit?" Mother asks.
"Right here,"
says Chris, holding out his arm.
"Those do
look like teeth marks," says Mother, examining the wound, "and it's
been a half hour. It must have really hurt."
"It did,"
says Chris. "That's why I was trying to push him off me."
"I'm sorry,"
says Brandon. "I didn't think I bit you so hard."
Meet
in the Middle
Now that both boys have recognized and admitted what they
did, they have a clearer picture of where each of them is coming
from. Now it's time to Meet in the Middle. Most
situations involving more than one person call for compromise. For
example, what do you do when both teenagers need the car the same
night, both toddlers want the same toy, or both children want to
be first? Either one or both have to give in to keep harmony.
Example
Replay: "Chris, what do you think you can do to help Brandon feel
better?" asks Mother.
"Oh, I think
I can fix his truck for him--if he'll let me. And next time I'll
try to talk to him more calmly instead of yelling at him."
"Thanks,
Chris," says Brandon.
"Brandon,
what do you think you can do?" asks Mother.
"Maybe I
could help you fix up your Lego town," says Brandon. "And I'll try
to talk instead of biting."
"Thanks,
Brandon," says Chris. "It will be a lot more fun to build the Lego
town together."
Practice
Makes Perfect
Now
only one step remains: Practice Makes Perfect.
Unless they try it a few times, children aren't sure how to prevent
the same problem next time around. We have found that the most effective
way to learn to "Talk About It" is to not just talk about it, but
to actually do it--through role play. With small children
it helps to suggest simple phrases they can repeat.
Role play can
take place at the end of the "Talk About It" process. In addition,
one of the most effective practice times we found was Family Home
Evening. We spent part of many Family Home Evenings setting up situations
for the children to act out. We chose situations we were currently
trying to improve, and chose different children to act out the parts.
For example we might say, "Sarah and Amber both want the same doll.
Julianne, you be Sarah, and Marilee, you be Amber." First they got
to show the wrong way to handle the situation, then the right way.
It was powerful for them to see firsthand how ridiculous it could
be to handle it poorly and then correct it themselves. Other family
members could give suggestions if the actors asked them. The children
loved hamming up the situations, and we all got a good laugh while
we reinforced valuable lessons.
Example
Replay: "Boys, before you go, let's practice what we have learned,"
says Mother. "Brandon, next time you see Chris with one of your
toys, what can you say to him?"
"I don't
know, Mom," Brandon admits after thinking a minute.
"Well, would
you want to shout, 'Give me my toy back. You can't have it!'?"
"No, Mom,"
laughs Brandon.
"How about
'Chris, is there a reason you have my truck?' Why don't you try
saying that to Chris?"
(Brandon
tries it a couple of times.)
"Chris,
how will you answer Brandon?" asks Mother.
(Chris tries
a couple of different answers.)
"Chris,
what could you say if Brandon wrecks your Lego town?" asks Mother.
"Well, I
guess I could say, 'Brandon, it really makes me feel bad that you
ruined my Lego town. I spent a long time building it."
"That's
great, Chris! Now what will you say, Brandon?"
(The role
play continues in this fashion.)
Well, there
you have it--"Talk About It" in a nutshell. It may sound overwhelming
to try it all at once, but it actually doesn't take nearly as long
as it sounds. Also, both parents and children learn to do it very
quickly after a few practices. Perhaps the keyword to success is
repetition and consistency. When our children were young, there
were times when we "Talked About It" several times a day. Then as
the children got older, our sessions were less and less frequent.
One day I overheard our six-year-old son say to his friend that
came over to play, "Jeremy, we have a problem. Now let's talk about
it." Then he proceeded through the steps. We have even had nursery
leaders tell us about our children's attempts to work out problems
with other children in the nursery!
By the time
the children got a little older, they learned to handle the problems
themselves. Lots of times they would say, "Mom, we've got a problem."
Then before I could get there they would say, "Never mind. We already
worked it out."
We can honestly
say now that our children never argue or fight--but it didn't start
that way. They still have differences of opinion, but they know
how to solve them without ever raising their voices. Learning to
"Talk About It" has definitely been worth the small price we paid
on a daily or weekly basis. It is an investment that will last a
lifetime!
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