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Time Out
for Mother
by
Claudia Goodman
For many, Mother's
Day brings mixed emotions-joy for the privilege of being a mother
interspersed with poignancy for all the areas where they fail to
meet their self-imposed standards.
Mothers are
so eager to be perfect role models that they often condemn themselves
for their weaknesses. Sometimes they forget that some of their circumstances
can be changed; others can't. So for all you mothers out there-past,
present, and future-as you assess how you measure up, sit back,
relax, and take some TIME OUT FOR MOTHER!
AWAYS
A MOTHER
After Steve
and I were married, we settled in a mobile home, surrounded by BYU
students in a similar situation. We really enjoyed ourselves at
first, but soon I realized that almost every young bride in the
ward was expecting a baby-except me. Everyone was excited, but I
was feeling more and more empty and left out. Nothing we tried seemed
to help. We yearned for a baby, but no baby came. Mother's Day arrived,
and the bishop asked all the mothers and prospective mothers to
stand. It seemed to me that I was the only woman in the ward still
seated, and I cried inside.
I remembered
reading about Rachel in the Old Testament. Her sister Leah had several
children while she remained childless. Finally she begged her husband,
"Give me children, or I die." At the time I read that story as a
teenager, I thought it was pretty extreme, but now I understood
Rachel's plea. It is painful beyond words to desire a baby so much
and not be able to have one. I will never forget the deep yearning
and emptiness I felt.
One young couple
we know tried for three years to have a baby. At last the wife conceived,
but the pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Two years later they went
on a cruise with the husband's company. Several people gently chided
them for waiting so long to have children and told them they shouldn't
be so selfish. The wife remained silent. She was again expecting
a child, but didn't want to say anything until she was sure she
would carry it this time. Having a baby is a joint venture between
the husband, the wife, and the Lord. Perhaps it would be well for
us all to be more sensitive to those who do not fit the common mold.
Bearing children
is only one aspect of being a mother. How you serve Heavenly Father's
children is the true mark of motherhood. Some of the most valiant
mothers in this world have not yet had the privilege of bearing
children.
LIFE
AFTER BABY
The weeks after
I brought my first baby home were probably the longest of my life.
He was colicky, and I was over-anxious. I held him while he cried
most of the day, and walked the floor with him most of the night,
until we both finally sank into bed, exhausted. The house was strewn
with diapers, as I left them wherever I changed him. There was not
a moment to stop and pick them up. Cleaning the house and fixing
meals went by the wayside. I couldn't even find time to put on my
make-up. Scripture-reading was out of the question. It seemed that
I only saw my husband as I passed him in the hall with our crying
baby. After six weeks of this unrelenting schedule, I wondered if
I would ever have a life again. I didn't know how I could go on.
I could hardly face another day.
Then I took
my baby in for his regular check-up. Dr. Thales Smith, to whom I
will be eternally indebted, remarked, "It sounds like this baby
has his days and nights mixed up. What he needs is a schedule."
He outlined a simple schedule for me:
6:00 a.m. Feed
Baby; Play with Baby; Bathe Baby
9:00 a.m. Morning
nap
12:00 p.m. Feed
Baby; Play with Baby
2:00 p.m. Afternoon
nap
4:00 p.m. Baby
up till bedtime; Feed Baby two or three times
8:00 p.m. Baby
down for the night.
2:00 a.m. Feed
baby if needed
"Now," continued
Dr. Smith, "it will take you a little time to implement this schedule,
so don't expect it to work perfectly the first day. This is merely
a guideline for you. Enjoy your baby while he is up, and spend time
with him. Then when it is time for him to go to bed, make sure that
he has been fed and changed. Love him and kiss him, then lay him
gently in his crib and walk out of the room. It will probably work
better if you don't get him into the habit of rocking him to sleep."
I had already
noticed that I was rocking him for longer and longer periods of
time before he fell asleep. And then he woke up most of the time
when I carefully laid him in his crib, so I had to re-rock him to
sleep all over again.
Dr. Smith also
suggested, "If at all possible, have the baby sleep in a different
room from you and your husband. As a mother you will hear every
sound, every cough, every time he turns over. The baby needs some
time to himself as much as you do. You don't need to hear every
sigh. You only need to hear him when he cries."
He explained
that at first the baby may need to cry himself to sleep, but that
he would soon learn that when I tenderly laid him in bed, it was
time for him to sleep. In the long run he would feel happier and
more secure, because he would know the limits and learn that he
could handle them himself.
The schedule
sounded a little harsh and rigid, but at that point I was ready
to try anything. The next day I began. I struggled to keep my baby
awake during the day and take the outlined naps. Things went fairly
well until evening. When 8:00 came, he was definitely not ready
to go to bed. I knew he was well-fed and changed and probably not
hurting, so I kissed him, hugged him, and gently laid him in his
bed, walked out and closed the door. The baby screamed for almost
two hours. For the last hour I was in tears as well. My husband
said, "Should we pick him up?"
"We can't,"
I sobbed. At last the baby fell asleep, and to my surprise he slept
till 2:00 a.m. When he cried again, I changed him, fed him, and
put him back in his crib. This time he only cried for a half-hour
before falling asleep.
The next night
he cried for fifteen minutes when I put him in bed, then ten minutes
after the 2:00 a.m. feeding. The following night he didn't cry when
I put him to bed, and within a week he was sleeping though the night.
His colic disappeared, and he became a happy baby. Not only that,
I became a happy mother. The stacks of diapers, dishes, and laundry
dissolved, and life again became manageable.
I had discovered
the magic of a SCHEDULE. This story may seem extreme
to some. Many babies naturally schedule themselves in a way that
allows their mothers time to themselves. And many people do not
work well with formal schedules. However, there are a few advantages
to consider:
First, all of
us need some time to ourselves on a daily basis. We can get by without
it here and there, but we must have it most days to be balanced
and happy on an ongoing basis. Actually scheduling that time makes
it a lot more likely to happen.
Second, even
babies and small children need personal space. It is not selfish
for Mother to give them time to discover things on their own. After
a little time apart, both mother and child will be refreshed and
enjoy each other more.
Third, babies
and small children learn even more quickly than we anticipate. A
baby soon realizes that when he is placed in his crib it is time
to sleep and that Mother will be there when he wakes up. He develops
self-confidence as he learns that he is not dependent on her to
put him to sleep and that he can take charge of himself for a little
while.
And fourth,
we all feel security in knowing what to expect. Limits are comforting.
A mother can be patient with a screaming child if she knows that
bedtime or naptime is only an hour away. Then she will have a few
moments to regroup.
Another trick
I learned as a mother of young children was the importance of DOVETAILING.
My quality time was so limited that I eventually realized that I
had to prioritize carefully. I used the time when they children
were sleeping or away at school to do the things I couldn't do very
easily with them around-personal prayers, scripture study (although
it's good for them to see you reading your scriptures also), and
projects that took my undivided attention. These were the things
I did during my few precious moments alone. Washing the dishes,
doing the laundry, fixing meals, running errands were all things
I could do while I was helping them. For example, I could fix dinner
while talking to a child or helping them with their homework. One
of the benefits was that the children learned to work alongside
me, while I got twice as much done.
The third thing
I learned to do was SCALE DOWN EXPECTATIONS. I
discovered that if I allowed a couple of hours to do the grocery
shopping and at least fifteen minutes to get the children in or
out of the car, that I could enjoy the outing without feeling frustrated.
Our oldest son
Shawn and his wife Amy now have three children. Amy shared some
thoughts with me which I would like to pass on. She wrote, "After
Grace was born, I found that all of a sudden I wasn't able to complete
my daily 'to do" lists. I am a list-maker and it's hard for me to
feel good about my day unless there are check marks next to at least
most of the items. So, I made my lists shorter. It seems almost
too simple, but when I made my expectations a little more reasonable,
I felt better about myself and what I was accomplishing. On those
days when I don't get very many items done on the list, it helps
me to remember back on the day and think about the things I DID
accomplish that maybe were not included on the list. (I read to
Lucy and Nathan individually and it meant a lot to them; I made
faces with Grace for awhile instead of making the planned stellar
dinner; or we went to the park after errands instead of cleaning
out the closet, etc.)"
It's comforting
to know that there actually is life after baby. We can still find
ways to take time for the important things.
REJEUVENATION
TIME
We all know
the characteristics of the ideal mother-her deep love, her selfless
sacrifice, her unending patience, her constant care. But there is
one thing we as mothers need to remember: no one can draw water
from an empty well. If we are to continue giving to our children
and others, we must take time to replenish our own lives.
Jesus Christ
gave us the perfect pattern. He was continually surrounded by the
clamoring multitudes, relentlessly pressing in upon Him. He gave
and gave and gave. But on several occasions, He sent the multitudes
away and retired alone to the mountains. Even He had to take time
to refresh Himself.
We all need
time to renew ourselves on an ongoing basis. Amy has found one thing
that helps with her young children: "Lucy and Nathan have phased
out their naps, so I don't have that time to myself anymore. However,
we do have a scheduled 'quiet time' after lunch every day. Lucy
and Nathan go to different rooms while Grace takes her nap. I get
to have some time to read one of my books or do the finances without
too much help, or catch a nap myself. This practice has had added
benefits. I think kids need some time by themselves just like we
do-even though they don't realize it-and this gives them that opportunity.
They learn to entertain themselves quietly without the aid of television,
Mommy, etc. I do give them books, books on tape, crayons and paper,
and stuff like that. They get to choose. For me this is an extremely
important practice. As much as I love them, I need a break. I come
back from our 30-45 minute quiet time better able to be patient
and fun."
I have found
that a weekly date with my husband-or even without my husband on
the weeks he is out of town-is a life saver for me. If I can just
get out of the house for two or three hours without the children,
I'm good for another week. I have also found that I have to leave
the house in order to feel rejuvenated, even though my husband would
prefer to stay home sometimes.
Occasionally
a long trip with your husband (preferably one or two weeks) is a
great way to renew your relationship and sharpen your perspective.
For a single mom the getaway is probably even more critical. One
year our family reunion was held in New York, while we lived in
Colorado. As we contemplated driving three days each way with twelve
children, we decided that the trip would be a lot more enjoyable
if we left the youngest two at home. After all, they wouldn't enjoy
being confined in the car for six days, and after the initial welcome,
none of the relatives would really care whether they were there
or not. There was only one problem: one-year-old Aimee was the most
clingy child I had ever had. She wouldn't let anyone hold her but
me. I thought of the times at church that the person holding her
while I played the piano literally had to walk out of the building,
because she was screaming so loudly that no one could hear. One
of my friends said to me, "I can't believe you are leaving Aimee
home. I wouldn't consider leaving a child that gets that upset when
you're not holding her." Yet as I thought about how tedious the
trip would be for Aimee, I decided it was worth finding a good place
for her to stay. I prayerfully chose a wonderful family in our ward
who no longer had small children, since none of our relatives lived
nearby. The first night of the trip, I called to see how she was
doing, dreading a report that she had screamed all day and was inconsolable.
To my amazement, the family said she was doing just great, that
she had been happy the entire time! What's more, they thanked me
for giving them the privilege of having our two little daughters
in their home! We had a wonderful, restful trip and returned home
two weeks later to our two children who had had an equally enjoyable
and refreshing experience. We were all rejuvenated and closer to
each other because of the time spent regaining the perspective we
needed.
DISCOVERING
YOURSELF
In order to
replenish our spouses and children, it is important for us to keep
renewing ourselves. All of us need outlets to express our innermost
feelings. I love what one of my children said, "My mom's hobby is
US!" I really feel like that is my favorite hobby. However, there
comes a time when the children leave. If a mother has put her entire
life into her children, she has nothing left. Her children no longer
need nor want her directing every moment of their lives. Even her
husband does not require her constant attention.
It is important
for us to discover and develop our hidden talents little by little
along the way. They don't have to take away from the time we spend
on our family. They merely enhance it and keep us excited about
life. One grandmother made the comment, "All my life I have said,
'Some day I'm going to do a lot of reading, but right now I don't
have time.' Now I have the time, but I haven't developed the love
for it, and I can't make myself do it."
Amy has already
discovered one important way to improve herself: "Taking time to
have personal scripture study is the best thing I do for myself
during the day. When I read the scriptures, my entire day is better.
I find that I am able to fit more into my day and face challenges
better. It's one of those things that doesn't make sense on paper
though. How can putting one more thing on your list of things to
do make you have more time? It's amazing how the Lord works in your
life by 'small and simple means.'"
Over the years
I have tried lots of different projects. At first they were simple
things, because that's all the time I had-making inexpensive curtains
for the baby's room, learning to bake bread, mastering the accompaniment
for the Vivaldi A Minor Violin Concerto for Steve's violin students.
As the children grew older and went to school, I tackled a little
bigger projects-wallpapering the living room, taking singing lessons,
attending an institute class. Now with all my children in school
or away from home, I have time to refine some of the talents I have
discovered over the years. I have composed a song that has been
recorded on an album and written a show that has been performed
around the world. I have also written and published a book. Twenty
years ago I never dreamed I had the talents I have uncovered. Yet
the time I have spent developing them has been on a very hit-and-miss
basis, snatching moments here and there as they presented themselves.
Over time they bear fruit.
"WHAT
YOU HAVE DONE IS ENOUGH."
With all the
important things we can do to improve ourselves and our families,
perhaps the most important one of all is to be content with our
best effort.
A good friend
told me the following story: The bishop in their ward was one of
the finest men he had ever known. He had a highly successful business
and a model family. He knew every member of his ward by name and
had a warm, personal relationship with each one. He was highly regarded
and deeply loved. Then one day he committed suicide. Everyone reeled
with shock.
My friend could
not reconcile his feelings of confusion and remorse. He thought
about the bishop, who apparently felt that his best efforts were
entirely inadequate. Then he reflected on his own life-how hard
he was trying to serve the Lord, almost to exhaustion, and yet how
insufficient his efforts seemed to be. One evening he knelt by his
bed and poured out his heart to the Lord. As he prayed, he heard
these words spoken to his mind: "What you have done is enough. I
don't really need you to do all these things for me. I can do everything
myself; I am all powerful. I'm just letting you have the experience
so you can grow." My friend realized that neither he nor the bishop
needed to do everything that was important to be done. The Lord
can take care of all the parts we can't complete. If we are trying
hard, then "What we have done is enough."
It was the first
of December, and we had a foot of snow. The children were so excited!
"Oh, if only we had sleds," David and Peter exclaimed. "It would
be so much fun to go sledding."
I thought about
it. We did have sleds; I had just bought two for Christmas.
Should I let the boys have them now? The snow was perfect, and they
would enjoy them so much. But the sleds were supposed to be their
Christmas presents. Surely there would be other snowstorms. "Well,
it is too bad we don't have any sleds," I replied. "Why don't you
build a snow fort instead? Maybe you'll get sleds for Christmas."
Six days later
David and Peter were killed in a car accident. They never got to
use those sleds. If I could live that time over again, would I give
them the sleds? Of course! But I can't go back, and I made the best
decision I could at the time. You can't base every act on the fact
that it might be the last time you see someone. Nothing would ever
get done. No one would ever go anyplace. You can only do the best
you know how in the given circumstances. How comforting it is to
know that "What you have done is enough."
Two months before
that accident, a friend who attended my husband's birthday party
observed Peter looking longingly at Steve and I several times, as
if he wished he could be noticed or included a little more. She
mentioned it to me, and I fully planned to implement her suggestion.
But time has a way of escaping us, and it was a week or two later
before I finally took her words to heart and spent some extra time
tucking Peter in bed. I shared some of the special things I appreciated
about him. Then I hugged him for a long time and told him how much
I loved him. I only remember spending that extra time with him on
that one night. Yet, after the accident I was strongly impressed
with the thought, "What you have done is enough." I felt the Lord
reminding me that while I had made many, many mistakes in parenting,
I could truthfully say that I had tried my hardest. I had done my
very best, even if it was inadequate. And after all, that's why
we have the atonement-to pay for all the places we fall short. And
so I have learned not to dwell on all the things I didn't do, but
focus on the happy memories of all the things I did do.
TIME
OUT FOR MOTHER
Now, Mother,
take a minute to close your eyes and take a deep breath. Allow yourself
the luxury of remembering the many precious moments you have shared
with your family. Remember that you don't have to be perfect yet.
That takes time-more than a lifetime. In the meantime, sit back
and enjoy the ride. You're doing just great!!
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