Kindling and Rekindling Romantic Love
by the Goodman Family

What says "I love you" when you're dating? What continues to say it in deeper ways after you're married? Join in the Goodman family's roundtable discussion on the little ways you can learn to be a sweetheart.

"Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." —D&C 64:33

While every romantic relationship is different, one principle always holds true: the steady warmth and fire of your love is either growing or dying; it cannot stay the same. If you want to keep it alive and well, you must continually feed it. How much and how often depends on the season of life, but you must consistently nurture it to keep it strong.

THE DATING GAME

With blossoming young romance, the trick is to keep the relationship growing slowly enough that it neither burns up or out before its proper time. During those dating years, you are about many important things-schooling, a mission, getting a good start in advanced training. How do you keep a relationship developing at its appropriate pace, yet nurture it enough to keep it exciting? Here are some suggestions for keeping the fire of love growing gradually but steadily:

Mark (age 18):

Little things can go a long way to say "I care about you." Drop off a favorite piece of candy at work, send a short email, or share a funny joke. The main thing is to let the other person know you're thinking about them.

Having a few joint goals to work on together is a good way to get close to someone spiritually. A few examples are: individually following the same scriptures reading schedule; encouraging each other to write in a journal every night or remember morning prayers; and having a joint daily project such as doing a good turn for someone, smiling at everyone you meet, or making friends with someone at school who is feeling left out.

I appreciate girls that are modest in their dress. It actually enhances the relationship. Girls may think you can just look at their face, but the truth is that everyone has peripheral vision, and you can't help seeing a lot more-even if you're not trying to. It's pretty hard to relax and be yourself when you can't even look someone in the eye.

I have found it very helpful to know without a doubt that I am going on a mission. That goal helps me keep all dating relationships in the proper perspective.

Andrea (age 19):

If you are interested in a relationship, keep it slowly moving forward. You can't go backwards. If you try to slow it down, it usually dies.

Love is seldom convenient. You have to spend time and effort to make it happen.

Marilee (age 21-just left on a mission to Germany!):

The relationship has to be reciprocal. If one of you is interested and the other isn't, you can try a few jump-starts, but if the other person doesn't catch fire, it's usually best to move on to new relationships. You can't carry a romance single-handedly.

Sometimes we expect the Lord to tell us what will make us happy. I've learned for myself that He doesn't work that way. He wants us to have the desires of our heart. I didn't get a confirmation that I should go on a mission until I quit asking the Lord if it was right and decided for myself that I really wanted to go. Then the Lord confirmed to me that it was a good decision. In the same way, I have observed firsthand in dating relationships that the Lord won't necessarily tell you if it's right or wrong. You have to decide if it's what you want before He will confirm it for you.

Steve and Claudia (parents):

Slowing down an early romance gives it the very best chance to succeed. If you take it too fast with no restraints, it quickly burns out, before you've even graduated from high school or tried other relationships to compare. Bonfires that burst into flame suddenly at this stage die almost as quickly and can seldom be rekindled.

Date other people in between dating the person you like. It gives you a good basis for comparison and keeps the process slow and even.

Group-date whenever possible. Even taking a younger brother or sister along gives you time together but prevents things from becoming too serious.

Limit the amount of time spent in serious discussions. Deep talking accelerates a relationship dramatically. While it is one of the most important aspects of a mature relationship, in the beginning stages it is best spread out the talks a little if you need to slow things down.

Make a few hard-and-fast rules:

Never to sit in a parked car together. Get out and sit on the porch or in the living room.

Never be alone in a bedroom with a member of the opposite sex with the door closed.

Never be in a house alone with a member of the opposite sex. Sit on the porch or go for a walk till someone comes home.

Kisses are the most sacred thing you can give before marriage, so give them sparingly and save the first one for a very special occasion.

Set a curfew. Midnight works well for most people on most occasions.

Plan activities that keep you busy so you don't spend long periods of time sitting and looking at each other. Take a hike, rake leaves for a widow, try a craft project, clean the house, or play a game. You get some good talking time without letting things get too heavy.

AFTER THE HONEYMOON

Once you take that magic step called marriage, everything changes! No one is constantly reminding you to keep your foot on the brakes in developing your relationship. You have free reign to come to know and understand each other. But eventually the newness wears off. The huge burst of passionate flames subsides. You start to eat again, and your feet are back on the ground. Now it's time to start feeding that fire to keep the love light bright. Here are some ideas from our five married children and their spouses.

Shawn and his wife Amy (have three children):

President Kimball said, "Don't just pray to marry the one you love. Instead, pray to love the one you marry." (quoted in Joe J. Christensen, "Marriage and the Great Plan of Happiness," Ensign, May 1995, p.64). It sounds so simple, but it really works to pray to have that kind of love for your spouse.

I have found that when I drop what I am doing when Shawn gets home and greet him warmly, telling him how glad I am to see him, it makes a big difference in our time together. It only takes seconds, but the dividends are great. I know that I really appreciate it when he does the same for me.

We decided early on that we would never say anything negative about each other to anyone else.

There's a quote that says love is a verb, not just a noun. It is something you work at, not just feel.

We like to leave little notes for each other in funny places, like around a toothbrush or in a shoe.

Melissa and her husband Slate (have two children):

Go to bed together, even if it means waiting up for each other. Get up together.

Stay home together at night whenever possible.

Confide in each other first and foremost, rather than in friends, family members, or parents. You grow together by working through problems together.

Say "I love you" often.

Take a week's vacation together without the children once every year or two.

Have at least one good laugh a day together. It helps keep life in perspective.

Paul and his wife Mari (have one child):

Pray together often, and during those prayers, offer thanks for the many things your spouse does.

Share goodbye kisses and welcome home hugs and kisses.

Write love notes. One day I used my lipstick to write "I love you" on the bathroom mirror. When we were both attending BYU, we left love notes wishing each other luck in books or folders, especially when we were studying for tests or had projects due. I've left notes in his shoes and pockets. When he was out of town, I put little notes in his clothes after he had packed his suitcase, so that he found a new note each day.

Be involved in each other's activities. Our baby and I go watch Paul play basketball on Saturdays. Then he watches the baby, so I can go to enrichment meeting or work on a special project. Paul shows me the presentations and papers he is working on at school. Many times I don't understand them, but I can help with the way they look, spelling, etc. When we give lessons or talks for church, we talk through ideas together and offer suggestions and encouragement.

Make phone calls during the day. Paul calls me as often as he can from school (at least three times, usually more) just to see how my day is going and tell me he loves me. He always asks if there is anything he can do for me.

Do projects together. We often read together. For Christina's birthday we made her a doll bed. Paul constructed the wood part, and I sewed the mattress, pillow and blanket. Now we are making curtains together-Paul is fixing the curtain rods while I sew them. Many projects can use the talents of both people. We like to sing or play violin and piano, and are planning to take a ballroom dance class together.

Christy and her husband Eric (have one child):

Go on a date every week. Even if the husband is tired of being away from home, the wife really needs to get out for a couple of hours-without the children if at all possible. I find that if I can just do that, I'm good for another week at home.

Fix a special dinner and dress up for it, decorate, and maybe even wait till baby is down. A few ideas are: use good china and eat by candlelight; put a few books under a folded card table, take off your shoes, and eat with chopsticks; or dress in Hawaiian clothes, decorate with live plants, and have your own luau.

Have pamper nights, where whoever is being pampered gets to relax, doesn't have to do dishes, gets a foot rub or massage, etc.

When Eric went on a trip to Africa, I made color copy pictures of our baby with sayings for each day of the trip and put them in marked envelopes. He really looked forward to opening an envelope each day while he was gone. It helped us feel close to each other, since we could hardly ever call.

Make a list of strengths your spouse has and/or favors you can do for him. Cut them up in little strips, fold them, and put them in a jar. Then when your spouse needs a boost, he can pull one out and read it.

Occasionally Eric brings home gifts-flowers, a donut, a card, or even a new dress-just because.

Say "Oh, you look so pretty," (or so nice) often to each other, especially in front of other people.

Surprises are always fun. When Eric proposed to me, he took me blindfolded to our favorite spot overlooking the temple. When I took the blindfold off, he was kneeling in front of me in a tux with a dozen red roses and the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. I wasn't expecting anything for a couple of months, and I was elated! He didn't tell me where he was taking me on our honeymoon either, and I loved it.

Julianne and her husband Jared (expecting their first baby in July):

We write little messages to each other on our phone message board. It's a good reminder to look for the positive and remember how much we love each other.

Have a date night once a week. We find that when we try to do something creative to surprise each other, it brings us a lot closer. One Friday morning I found a bunch of dried flowers and a note from Jared telling me to meet him at the zoo at 6:00 p.m. The date ended up to be a hike to see the autumn leaves. It wasn't expensive, but it really meant a lot to me. One night we watched a movie, but the most enjoyable part of the activity was getting ice cream and going on a drive out in the country. Even something like scrap-booking or cleaning the house can be a lot of fun, if you do it together.

Sometimes it's easy to get in the rut of only discussing certain topics or talking through routine problems. We find that when we take time to laugh or talk about new ideas, we learn exciting things about each other and draw closer together.

Going on a walk every Sunday afternoon is a wonderful way to communicate and build unity.

Go the extra mile for each other. Sometimes when I'm feeling grumpy or critical (especially now that I'm pregnant), Jared does something to help me out with a project or takes some extra time to give me a hug and tell me I'm loved.

Plan fun ideas for holidays and celebrations. For my birthday Jared teased me for weeks beforehand about my present starting with the letter "B". It ended up that my whole birthday had a "B" theme to it, which was really fun. I took it further and did the same thing with his birthday. We really enjoyed the build-up and fun that was the result.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

That's the way all the fairy tales end. But they forget to tell you the price you have to pay for that happy ending. Without more wood, the fire dies. It's pretty exciting to keep the fire going for the first few years when there aren't so many distractions. However, the tricky part often comes twenty or thirty years down the road. Dad has heavy church responsibilities and a highly demanding job that takes him out of town for days or weeks at a time. Mom is a full-time taxi and consultant for the children and all their activities. It all happens so gradually that one day parents can wake up to the fact that they have slowly drifted down different roads, until they now have almost nothing in common. How do you put the fire back into your romance?

Steve & Claudia

WAKE UP!!! Recognize that you need to start actively putting more wood on the fire.

"To make marriage last, put it first." Remember that there is NOTHING AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP, except your relationship with the Lord. One day soon all the children, the church callings, and even the prestigious job will be gone. It will just be the two of you again-like it was in the beginning. Keeping your marriage strong or rekindling it if necessary is worth almost any price. If you have drifted gradually, it may take some time to revive it. That's okay. We are all constantly fine-tuning, repenting, and getting back on course. The main thing is the direction we are headed.

When times get tough and you have difficulty communicating, remember the good times and the things that made you fall in love in the first place. They will pull you together. Go back to that firm foundation you began years ago. Start doing the things you used to do for each other. You'll find that your foundation is still intact. It just needs to be built upon.

Say "I love you" often. There's magic in those words. As a medical doctor, my dad said that he spent half his practice on marriage counseling. Often people weren't physically sick; they just needed to heal their marriages. He asked a man once, "When was the last time you put your arms around your wife and told her you loved her?" The man was embarrassed and kept changing the subject but finally protested, "Well, she ought to know I love her. I just bought her a new washing machine." Even a new washing machine doesn't replace the words "I love you."

Forgive each other. We have some close friends who drifted apart. The husband was heavily involved in a high church calling while trying to keep a struggling business afloat. The wife was preoccupied with the children and their endless activities and with making craft items to supplement their income. They were jolted to reality when the husband became deeply involved with another woman. There was untold heartbreak, but over time they were both able to admit that the fault lay with both of them. Through fasting, prayer, counseling, and talking together they were gradually able to forgive each other and begin again. The wife learned to play golf, since that was something her husband enjoyed, and together they are building their relationship to a level they never imagined possible. A quote from the church film "Together Forever" says, "We didn't get married to get divorced. In the beginning we had a lot going for us. That's why we got married. Somehow we just lost it." If a relationship was right in the beginning, it can usually be made right again if both the husband and the wife are willing to give one hundred per cent.

"Put your money where your mouth is." Pay the price. Do you really love your spouse above all others?

This summer we are moving from Salt Lake City to Arizona. People are shocked. "Why?" they ask. "You have three children at BYU and several married children and grandchildren in the area. And what about your music? The recording studio is here as well as countless opportunities to perform." All of those things are true. Nonetheless, Steve has reached a point in his profession where he is spending eighty per cent of his time in Arizona and needs to be there more than he is. As much as I will miss my precious grandchildren and the close proximity to our older children, right now I miss my husband even more. Above all, it is him that I need to be with. I learned long ago that my greatest happiness comes when I follow wherever he leads. With his priesthood to guide us, our direction is sure. We will stay till summer so Mark can graduate from high school, but then, even if the house hasn't sold, we're going. The Lord can take care of the house. We're going to take care of our marriage.

"Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy ..." (2 Ne. 9:51) "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." (Matt.6:21) May all of us pay the price to rekindle our love...again and again.

Click here to sign up for Meridian's FREE email updates.

Steve and Claudia Goodman have been happily married for over thirty years and are the parents of twelve children. As a family they have sung at the United Nations, at international Family Conferences, for Pope John Paul II in a private audience, and for thousands of families in the nations of the world. Their Fortress of Love CD and video and their new book, Parting the Red Sea One Bucket at a Time, fill people everywhere with hope, excitement, and renewed determination to strengthen their homes. For more information about the Goodman Family, visit their website at www.goodmanfamily.org.