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Taboos with Tact
Edited and
compiled by Kathy Green
Man’s Search for Happiness Ever After
From Honeymoon to Happily Ever After: Preparing for an Intimately Fulfilling Relationship, by Laura M. Brotherson, CFLE, for the LDS Marriage Network
Bravo for Meridian Magazine. The article by Laura M. Brotherson is excellent and much needed. The first in twenty years since Brent A. Barlow's article "They Twain Shall Be One — Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage" appeared in the September 1986 Ensign. President Spencer W. Kimball's observation seems to have gone ignored by the bulk of the church membership although I recently heard of a nearby ward which gave separate lessons to the Priesthood and Relief Society on this topic. Maybe the Victorian Dark Ages are finally coming to an end.
Books and a counselor have told me, "You can live without sex.” Article after article appears telling everyone how wonderful their marriage can be if they'll stay out of debt, go to the temple, pray together, communicate and spend private time together. The most serious issue facing young marrieds is hidden in the closet. It's NOT a case of just "doing what comes naturally."
I was in such a marriage for twenty years. We never did achieve real intimacy. Sex was only for getting pregnant. My wife’s attitude was, "Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it." This and the misguided advice, "You can live without it" prevented the happiness that our marriage could have had. It ended in divorce and no children. I would hope no one ever has to go through that kind of relationship.
One other word of advice I offer from experience. Never, never, NEVER spend the first nights of your honeymoon at either spouse's parents' house.
Name withheld by request**
My own experience leads me to suspect there are many married couples where at least one spouse does not like who they are, and at best grudgingly share themselves with their spouse. I have always actively and consistently tried to encourage and be supportive of my wife despite herself when it comes to her indulgent self consuming fixation with her physical looks and weight.
I believe our society has way over-sold this culture of self-absorption with which we are daily bombarded by the media. Unfortunately too many of us, women in particular, have bought into it. This is such destructive behavior, which ripples well beyond marital intimacy. When I read your statement, “I like who I am, and I’m happy to share it with you,” that turned the light switch on.
I’ve been married for over 20 years and pretty much most of that time I don’t think my wife has ever “liked who she is” physically. I have always found my wife very physically attractive and my intimate feelings for her have grown sweeter through the years as I’ve come to know her and we have worked together and shared as husband and wife and as parents through both the good and the bad. I probably feel the closest to her when she takes the time so we can talk together and she shares her concerns about raising the children and talking about what is going on her life in the same way I see her with her closest friends.
However because of her physical and mental withdrawal I don’t know what my wife feels or thinks during those intimate times. Even though I appreciate her making herself available, the intimate spiritual and physiological connection never culminates the way I think our Heavenly Father intended. At best, I always feel just half full.
Perhaps sometime you could write about dealing with issues such as this in an intimate marriage relationship. I know ultimately my spouse has to make peace with herself and accept who she is before she will ever be able to give herself to me. So I continue to try and keep an eternal perspective on my marriage.
Name withheld by request**** **** **** ****
Thank you for writing this article. It gives me hope that I will be able to do my family history on my father's side. My grandfather came to the U.S from Vilnius, Lithuania.
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The Human Heritage of Creativity by Joseph Brickey
Please send brother Brickey my heartfelt gratitude for touching on, and expanding on, the concept of creativity and some very core insights into our existence and purpose on earth. If only this concept could be embedded and remembered by all of us, especially those of us who struggle from day to day in the "animal" realm to lift us into the Celestial realm, if by no other means than by having a different and expanded point of view.
As with all my treasures from Meridian and many other sources, I will guard this one and borrow from it frequently, giving proper credit, in my own little personal ministry.
Thanks to you, and to our creator, for the wonderful truths He gives us, and in this case, through you.
Paul Gibson
Salt Lake
City, Utah
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I just want to thank you for the great magazine. I am spiritually lifted by the articles. I have been a reader for several years now and it is indeed a blessing for me.
Dan Morris
Moncks Corner,
South Carolina
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Made to Order
Regarding the article "A Little More Love Made it Happen" by James Welch, I must say I read it with a warm heart and happy memories.
In 1978, at the age of 20, I played the part of Catherine Ann in the musical "The Order is Love." Our stake made quite a big production of this play in order to earn money for the building of a new stake center. Although I remember much about the play, I have forgotten a lot of the details, and reading Brother Welch's article brought many of those details, including characters’ names, names of songs, etc., back into my mind.
Performing this wonderful musical in the summer of 1978 remains one of the fondest memories of my life. I recall not only the wonderful quality of the play itself, but the camaraderie experienced among cast members. Working together for a common purpose, and the wonderful outpouring of support from the entire stake (and also many non-members in our community of Los Alamos, NM) as we performed the musical, will never be forgotten.
Thanks for the memories, Brother Welch.
Robin Randolph
Bayfield,
Colorado
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See You in Sacramento!
Thank you for the wonderful article on the Sacramento Temple open house. My husband and I live in Tucson AZ, but have come up for the weekend to Sacramento to take family, who are not members of the Church, through the open house. I was born and raised in Sacramento so this has a lot of special meaning. This Saturday has been something we have been waiting for since the announcement of the building of the temple here.
What a wonderful experience I know this will be. The stories surrounding our getting here as well as securing tickets for the first day of the open house are stories in themselves. Again thank you for the coverage and who knows, maybe we'll see someone from Meridian there on the first day!
Roberta Oliver
Tucson, Arizona
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How excited I was to read and hear about the Lifetime Achievement Award for Ron Simpson. It was fun to listen to all the tributes to him. I, too, am indebted to Ron. Back in the '60's, before Ron left on a mission, I sang in a quartet called "The Crescendos," and Ron was our arranger/bass player. Just us four gals and Ron! We sang with Janie Thompson, of the BYU Program Bureau.
Ron knew his "stuff' then, and guided our singing. Due to his tutoring, I continued singing throughout my marriage. I had a Youth Choir group for over 15 years, and used many of the ideas and songs that Ron shared with me. Little did he realize, way back then, that his influence would touch the lives of many teenagers in Alberta, Canada.
I knew years ago that someday he would be a powerful icon in the music field. So, I too, wish to thank, honor, and congratulate Ron Simpson for receiving the Achievement Award!
Barbara (Bowen) Michel
Glenwood,
Alberta, Canada
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It is a sad statement of fact that this is not only affecting our youth, but it has become the tool of choice of Satan amongst our dear priesthood bearers.
It pains me to say that I am aware of two marriages in my own branch that have been destroyed by this serpent. The denial and the perpetuation of the evil are so hard to understand. It is obviously prevalent, and LDS men are bearing the brunt of Satan's thrust in these last days.
I would that the Brethren could bring this topic up every day of the week. Our sisters are suffering. Their hearts are broken. Their families are being torn apart. And their constant cry is, "please honor your priesthood."
I pray for my sisters and their dear husbands every night. I have their names on the Temple roll. Everyone needs to be alerted to the reality of this insidious, peeling away of the very robes of the valiant ones. I know that there is a sifting, but I don't want my friends to be a part of the tares.
Please can we address this issue more and more? Can this become more of a part of the teaching program in the priesthood meetings? Can wives be given more "tools" to have in their hands before anything ever happens? So many times, wives are so astounded at the revelation of the nature of the sin, that they are dumbfounded and ashamed and hardly know how to address it. They need to know that their bishops will be available to give them a priesthood blessing, even when the spirit has withdrawn from their marriages. The sisters feel as though they are being turned away in their "grief," that no-one cares about the terrible burden they've had thrust upon them.
Thank you for this part of your program. I appreciate it so much. And, yes, I have read the latest Ensign. I'm crying for more of the same.
Name withheld by request**** **** **** ****
I always look forward to articles by Sister Klingler. She hits everything right in the bull’s eye! Please keep up the good work. I'm forwarding her article to several others whom I'm sure will be impressed and helped.
Nancy Beck
Paradise,
California
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Please accept my sincere admiration for your article in the Meridian magazine regarding your trip to France recently. Your insights in various aspects of living have certainly awakened similar thoughts from my own experiences. For example, I have felt the same way you described, viewing the Monet pool paintings. Fabulous.
Also, I have found myself ridiculing the French people for cowardice militarily until recently I recalled an experience I had in France as a young boy. My father had accepted a job in Germany and we moved there in 1937. Yes, Hitler was in full power. In 1937, I was put in the American School of Paris, because the German school I was attending was too Nazified for my father.
Before I entered the school, Dad decided we would go visit some of the battlefields of WWI, and so we went to Chateau Thierry, San Michel and Vimy Ridge. We wound up just outside of Verdun at a place called the Trench of Bayonets. The French had erected a big monument over a section of a French trench that had collapsed under a horrific artillery barrage and the soldiers were buried alive. They were on alert to “go over” when it happened. France left them where they were and built the memorial. I remember standing there at a little iron fence between the large columns and looking at the rifle barrels with the fixed bayonets on them thinking, Gee, they were alive one minute defending their country and the next minute they were the honored dead. Rosaries and flowers had been thrown in the area. I was only 9 years old and very impressed.
This memory drew me up sharply at what I was guilty of and I thought, “What would I do if I heard someone mocking Normandy, Sicily, North Africa, Korea, Viet Nam or today our soldiers in Iraq?” I was ashamed of my lack of humility but your article has really helped me deal with my attitude.
Leon R Evans
Katy, Texas