Meat and Potatoes:  Readers discuss basics of doctrine, faith and funeral spuds
Edited and compiled by Kathy Green

Finding Peace When a Loved One Dies

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The Uniqueness of Grief:  It’s an Individual Journey.

My experience of surviving the death of a child is much different than most, I guess. It has been ten years now since the death of our 20-year old daughter. I had always believed in the atonement of the Lord since I was a little child. The real test of my belief came at the time of Holly's death.

I was saddened but not grief stricken, like everyone else. Upon reflection at that time, it seemed to me that we have all given in to the world's view about death -- that it is some final departure to be feared and dreaded.

This is far different from the revealed word of God -- that death is a transition to another state where we are rejoined with our family and await the final resurrection.

I think of my ancestors who said goodbye to their European friends and family and traveled to the New World, never to see them again. It is much different? I do not think so. This is easy to say and hard to do. But true solace can only be found through the peace that comes from the Spirit  > through faith in Jesus Christ.

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I have lost loved ones to death and have gone through the questions of why, why he/she, why now etc.. I feel at an even greater loss over the lost future or even present of a disabled child who seems not to fit into our "definition" of the Father's plan of happiness.  He looks fairly normal, seems intelligent, but is high-functioning autistic and doesn't learn from life's experiences or grow as we have come here to earth to do. 

His social delays make it seemingly impossible for him to feel accepted in church. His low tolerance of groups make even family events painful, his lack of peripheral vision in the spiritual sense gives place to risky behaviors as his lack of spatial sense gives place to danger when in public places.

HE WAS SO CUTE AND NORMAL. And of course his seemingly perfect being brought with it all the tenderness of heart on his family's part at his birth.  THEN...we lost him.  I still grieve to see him so different and so lonely and alone in his life.  I still grieve at the loss of his dreams and our dreams.  And the grief doesn't leave because he is still with us and he isn't improving or changing very much. 

This kind of grief seems never-ending except when I feel the Savior's love enfold my heart and tell me that in the eternities he will be ok.  But, oh, how long it is a scene of discouragement and frustration for him as he tries to find his way now, tomorrow and for years from now.  There is a small death in watching him and seeing his realization that his dreams do not come true.  I believe that he feels forsaken in the midst of "the good news" of the Gospel as it is supposed to apply to this earth life. 

Sometimes it seems an act of betrayal to allow life for someone who can through no fault of his own participate only on the fringes and with people of good will and awareness.  DYING can take decades and the grieving will only leave when his eternal perfection is accomplished.   

I would like to add that our child is very aware of his being different and goes through much pain because of it.  Sometimes I feel it would have been easier to bear if he had a low I.Q. and were  in oblivion.  He would probably be pitied by others then, and have fewer expectations placed on him and be treated with a higher level of tolerance.  Don't get me wrong, he IS a difficult person to have around and therefore has not made it in group home settings or at home. 

After many attempts to place him with others in any kind of housing situation, we finally realized that he must be in his own space-- in this case a small apartment-- with much supervision and support by family. My husband and I are currently serving as humanitarian service volunteers for the church in Amman, Jordan while our oldest son is his brother's legal guardian. I think it is important for people to know that we have not been able to find suitable treatment or placement, as we might have had he been low-functioning.  I do believe children like our son fall through the cracks of the available systems today.

Christa Bradford
Lindon, Utah.

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Each day Meridian Magazine blesses my life.  A special thank you for today’s article, “Finding Peace When a Loved One Dies” by the Mental Health Resource Foundation.  It could not have come on a more appropriate day for our family. 

Today is the thirteenth anniversary of my son’s death at age 21 from cancer.  Brent developed Reyes Syndrome a few weeks prior to his eighth birthday.  The Reyes caused significant brain and physical damage.  He lived almost fourteen years before an aggressive form of cancer took his life.  Although we knew death was coming and had multiple spiritual experiences to whisper peace to our souls, it was a most difficult experience for our family.

I compare death to the scab that forms on a scraped knee.  When we get an injury it hurts--bad.  We whine and cry and then favor that spot for a while.  At some point, a scab forms so it’s not quite so painful anymore.  With the scab there to protect it, we no longer dwell on the sore spot.  But sometimes, in an unexpected moment, something rips that scab away and we hurt all over again.

I can testify that everything in this article will help us deal with grief.  I would offer two more suggestions.  First, remember, oh remember, that everyone does not grieve in the same way or at the same time.  Consciously remember this and allow your other family members to grieve in their own way and in their own time.  Keep forefront in your mind to be respectful and offer unconditional love and support to each other.  Secondly, learn to live each day so you don’t have a lot of regrets which will make grief deeper when death calls. 

And death always calls.  Try to be more patient with others and not let the irritations of the day ruin our perspective of the eternities.  If you can close each day knowing you have done everything you can to make life sweet, death loses much of its sting.  (For those old enough to remember, much like Mercurochrome verses Merthiolate.)

Ann C. Richardson
Woods Cross, Utah

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Better Bake a Bit of Butter

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Funeral Potatoes and Other Inspirations, by Clark L. and Kathryn H. Kidd

Imagine my surprise today when a Google search for a Funeral Potato recipe brought me to this delightful article! It actually answered a few questions I have about near future ward activities.

Janice Weatherhead
Cibolo, Texas

[Editor’s note: If you make this recipe, please use only 1/2 cup plus 3T butter.  The additional 3 cups are a typo.]

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Insights on Influence

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Lesson 27

The Influence of Wicked and Righteous Leaders: 1 Kings 12-14; 2 Chronicles 17; 2 Chronicles 20, by Scot Facer Proctor

I really enjoyed your remarks on the study of the Old Testament.  A month ago I was called as the "back-up" teacher in Gospel Doctrine class and am absolutely thrilled at the opportunity to receive this calling.

I have always LOVED the Old Testament, and I believe that it stems from being active in Sunday School as a little mite in the Church of England before we joined the Church in South Africa.  And then, mayhap, from a vivid imagination.

I have always been an avid reader, so the stories of the Bible were/are alive and real.  Then, when I was in high school, I began a romance with Ancient History, which has lasted me all my life.  I was fascinated with the way nations evolved, waxed, and then waned.  There are so many times now that I wish I had followed my heart into archeology, and the study of how these people lived.

A facet of your lesson that I enjoy, is how you present the correct pronunciation of names.  I had many Israeli friends whilst living in Cape Town (a VERY cosmopolitan city!), and the Biblical names are second nature to me.  Having a knowledge of other languages, it's so nice to be able to give these words their true pronunciation, and seeing where they tie in with names that have gone before them, or how places were named after incidents that occurred there.  The symbolism is so exciting and has helped me understand more fully the beautiful sacraments of the Sabbath and of the Temple.

It was my turn to teach the lesson on David, and I was amazed how many people were not aware of the depth of his sins.  And that he has lost his heritage for eternity...that it was given to others.  Just breaks my heart when I re-read his story.  The beloved of the Lord, and Satan could enable bringing him down to such depths.  Such strong warnings, and yet, people regard these as "just" stories and not the lives of great and powerful leaders of men brought short by the flesh.  And I see so many of our people being drawn into so many similar situations today.  I want to YELL at them...what part of the Bible 'stories' do you not understand now?  I understand that the sifting is happening, but it still breaks my heart when it's amongst those that I have come to know and love.

As I read your lesson, I kept saying, "Yes, oh yes...that's it.  People, please believe it and live like you believe it."

Thank you and your dear wife for all your hard work in bringing us all these gems in Meridian.  My favorites are the Gospel Doctrine lessons and of course, Sister. Anne Perry's "Letter From The Highlands".  You provide a lot of “wind beneath my wings.'”

Coral Anna Foster,
Mt. Solon, Virginia

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I just would like to thank you for you article Lesson 27 “The Influence of Wicked and Righteous Leaders” 1 Kings 12-14; 2 Chronicles 17; 2 Chronicles 20

Because you are bringing to the me and others the greatest messages of God and his dealings in the old testament and his love for those who love him and what he stands for who stand by him.

I really do appreciate your clearness on these articles, which are understandable the first time but make me want to read them again and again like soaking up the soup with bread to get all there is to get.

I just want to say thanks. Wish I had your talents for expressing yourself in writing as you have done. I often use these articles for home teaching lessons and they are enjoyed.  I love to teach the word as a home teacher.

I love Meridian Magazine because I feel they report messages so close to the scriptures because they are backed by the same and I read it on line as I would read in step with the scriptures and the Ensign because the sprits guides me in the truthfulness of both.

Thanks to Scot and Maurine Proctor and staff for the words they use to describe the way God the Father and Jesus Christ work with the world and mankind. I thank them all with all my heart for this.

Robert Hall
Denton, Texas

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Keeping the Faith on File

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Faith of our Fathers:  Creating One Nation Under God, by Dawn Frandsen

I am so glad you print articles of this type.  I always watch for them, print and file them for future reference.  Thank you for doing this. I have studied the founding fathers quite a bit and totally agree with the writer.

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The American Revolution and the surrounding periods have always been of interest to me. The Founding Fathers had to have been men of unshakable faith and determination. They had to have had an innate sense of freedom and right. Despite their visible disagreements, they all still worked to be united in the quest for the divine destiny the Lord had in mind.

I especially appreciated the journal entries of Wilford Woodruff, which not only related the vision of the Founding Fathers, but also the mention of the Founding Mothers being baptized. I always wondered if their work had been done. I'm glad to know it was.

Helen Sturdevant
Austin, Texas

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Especially for Youth

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Teaching Youth to Savor the Meat, by C.S. Bezas

Cindy, I loved your article about teaching seminary and youth the gospel. I will use the ideas as I teach EFY in 2 weeks. Yes, some are ready to run with living gospel principles, but all are still young in experience and need the patience and encouragement of great teachers like you.

Thanks for the insights. You express them so well.

Michele Baer
Mesa, Arizona