Reading and Righting:  Our Readers set us Straight
Edited and compiled by Kathy Green

Bold Type

Two Churches Only -- Read Article Here

I've stolen some of your words to use in an email with a very good friend of mine. She is my neighbor, fellow home schooling mom, and not Mormon. If you're interested I can tell you some more about the dialogue we have just opened up after being friends for a year or so now. You have put so wonderfully into words many of my feelings about not wanting to analyze the differences between religions, just wanting to testify of the simple truths of the restored gospel.

Verena Beckstrand
Mesa, Arizona

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Many years ago, my daughter who was then five came storming in the deck door, crying. I was alarmed and asked her what the problem was. She responded that she had been talking to our neighbor, Mr. Meade and had told him that his church was not true. He had replied that who ever told her that had it wrong.

I began to tell her that perhaps she should in effect soften her stance.  I had been playing the Book of Mormon Scripture tapes as I cleaned the house and suddenly we heard this verse from 1st Nephi: There are only two churches. One is of God and the other is of the devil.

She looked up at me and said, "See? I'm going over there. Somebody has to tell him!"

And a little child shall lead them!

Debby Bennett,
Westbank, British Columbia. Canada

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Tremendous! Thanks so much! And thank you, Meridian, for letting us read it!

Bobbi Peterson
Pinetop, Arizona

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Once again we can rely on Brother McConkie to be straightforward in defense of the restored Church and Gospel. His reasoning is sound as is his faith. I thank you for having this forum in which such understanding can be conveyed.

Michael Chandler
St. George, Utah

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I thought that there were 3 parts. I saw parts 1 and 2, but apparently missed part 3.

Intriguing, and excellent read.

Russell Tompkins
Brunswick, New Jersey

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People Will Talk

Raising the Attendance at Ward Events -- Read Article Here

Very good ideas for getting a ward activity to be good. However, the best way to get people to attend a ward activity is based on past experience.

If you have a good activity, people will talk about it. People will have wanted to be there. So, they will pay more attention the next time such an activity is planned. Note that this rule applies for scout trips, mutual, Ward parties, trips to the temple, etc.

You can always re-enforce this by having people talk about this activity after it is over, such as a quick review (testimonial) at the next Relief Society meeting, or Priesthood meeting.

Arn Kratzer
Hollister, California

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Lots of good ideas were submitted. I am speaking as an "attendee," not a "planner." I ask: "What will motivate ME to want to go (weather and previous commitments permitting)? Shame on me! But FOOD (good food) is primarily what will most likely bring me out. Potlucks, a variety of "Soup and Salad" and full meals are attractive. Punch and cookies are better than nothing, but not a whole lot. Enough food is also important. People at the end of the line are not likely to return if they find the food table bare when they finally get to it. Might be a good idea to have the 8-18 ages get theirs after everyone else at family affairs because they haven't always learned manners about portion sizes.

I think even Temple outings are better attended if there is food and fellowship somehow incorporated before or after the session. Even a group visit to a local restaurant is really neat! Depends, of course, on the activity. Humanitarian activities are wonderful, but unless there is food attached, I may prefer to stay comfortably at home. I know I am shameful.

The other thing that gets people out is to have as many as possible of their children "starring" in the program. You'll get at least two parents out per child and maybe some grandparents too!

Mary Landen
Bountiful, Utah

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To Megan with Love

Sexual offenders: Serpents among us? -- Read Article Here

When discussing a topic so sensitive and volatile as this, it is obviously difficult to avoid emotional decisions. I'm grateful that some readers have felt comfortable sharing their own experiences regarding this frustrating and devastating sin. I'm also saddened that some have felt the need to criticize Brother Bishop's article, and to question his intentions in writing it. When we begin to reason emotionally, not only do we make arguments that are far from sound, we typically say things that we wouldn't say otherwise. I hope that is the case with some of the criticisms directed towards Brother Bishop.

Sex crimes are so unique. I can think of no other crime that involves taking something so powerful and sacred and twisting it into something so powerfully evil and destructive. In the many years that I have spent working in a therapeutic setting with those convicted of this crime, I have had to ask myself many times how it is possible that murder could possibly be considered a more grievous offense than this crime. The victims are left alive to suffer the emotional and spiritual damage for the rest of their lives.

Nevertheless, by taking a step back from the always intense emotions surrounding this issue, I have come to understand that it is never my place to judge the relative seriousness of sins. While it is necessary for the judicial system to say that one sex crime warrants this sentence while another warrants that one, our Heavenly Father is the only one who truly knows the hearts of those who offend.

I thought Brother Bishop did an excellent job of pointing out this important distinction between temporal justice and eternal justice. Our local leaders will do their best to work out the salvation of those in their stewardships, regardless of the depth of our individual sins and weaknesses. That process is something that none of us outside that stewardship should question.

Just as I cannot and should not, for the sake of my own spirituality, try to decide whether he who murders or he who rapes is guilty of the greater sin, I should also forbear in deciding whether or not one's repentance is complete. My only responsibility, spiritually speaking, is to forgive all and to focus on my own repentance. Unfortunately, and again I think Brother Bishop expressed this quite appropriately, we do not live in a purely spiritual world. We must also address temporal concerns.

Due to the unique nature of sexual crimes, it is necessary to exercise an extra degree of caution, now speaking temporally, when helping those who have committed them return to a "normal" life. Molesting a child is not like embezzling money. It's not something one does because the opportunity simply presents itself and the offender suffers a moment of weakness.

Sex crimes involve powerful emotions and are almost always carefully planned and premeditated. The thoughts that allow offenders to methodically numb their consciences in order to work through their plans become powerfully linked to the feelings of sexual gratification that follow. These thought patterns are so very difficult to break. The most powerful tool is simply to learn what sets them in motion, and then to avoid those triggers carefully, at any expense. The decision to keep children away from those who have committed these crimes is not a malicious attack against them, nor is it in any way questioning whatever steps they may have taken towards repentance. In reality, for those who are working so hard to avoid those triggers, it is a kind favor.

For those of us who love someone convicted of these crimes, it can be deeply painful to come to terms with the depth of the problem. We all want to rush to the defense of our loved one and defend his or her reputation. But this is not about a reputation. It's about keeping children safe.

Megan's law is about Megan, and making sure there are not more Megans in the future. Those who feel persecuted by the law must do all they can to understand that the law does not persecute those who are trying to repent. Malicious citizens may do so, and the law may facilitate them, but their crime is theirs. If offenders and those who love them truly wish to express complete repentance, they will be able to forgive those who persecute them for their crime.

Of course a teenager who committed a sex crime does not deserve that persecution. Few who are thinking rationally will say that he does. Part of the tragedy of sexual crimes is what they do to the offender, especially the juvenile offender. Part of the repentance process for those who have committed sexual crimes will always include learning to forgive those who persecute them. That persecution is a natural consequence of the horrible mistake the offender made, unjust though it may be.

I hope that many readers will take the wise advice offered by Brother Bishop. He speaks from years of experience, and his article can be a wonderful tool for those who prayerfully seek guidance for protecting their children. For those who have sexually offended, and for those who love someone who has, my heart reaches out to you. I pray that you will find the strength to know that your Savior loves you dearly and will welcome you back to his fold. I also pray that you will forgive your persecutors, just as I pray that your own victims can learn to forgive you.

Mark Green
Terre Haute, Indiana

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When the Vow Breaks

The Children of Divorce -- Read Article Here

Thank you so much for printing this article by Orson Scott Card. I have never read an article that expressed these things better ― or even at all. I have recently gone through a divorce, after 28 years of marriage, because my husband decided that he wasn’t “happy” and had found this so-called happiness elsewhere. I have watched my children struggle with this even though most of them were of adult age.

This article expressed so well the things that I have felt and that I have watched my children go through while people tried to tell us that it would be okay. I don’t know that it will ever be “okay,” but it really did help to have my feelings verified.

I have enjoyed many articles in your magazine in the past but none have struck as close to home as this one. Thank you for all that you do to promote righteousness and goodness in this world.

Joan
Salt Lake City, Utah

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I could so relate to Card's points on divorce. My parents divorced when I was 4-year-old (number two of four children, six and under). My father had another woman and eventually married her and had two more with her.

They are still married, though not real happy ― just more determined to stay together. My father was a control freak and his current wife learned to sneak rather than confront and taught their sons that too, as he beat them for bad grades, etc. My mother worked hard and raised us with some help from her mother and little money from my father. We didn't see him often and the visits weren't real pleasant; as he was a Houston policeman, determined to "fix" the parenting mistakes our mom was making. He had a nice house, boat, etc. and our Mom paid for lessons and braces for us.

I tried to reach out at age 27 and visited along with my husband and four oldest sons. Then we sent our oldest two to visit alone (ages nine and seven) and they were not treated correctly. (Why did I expect them to be? My father actually hit my youngest son more than once while visiting.) So we are estranged now and perhaps for this lifetime, another twenty years. He has voiced to my oldest son (on his second visit, last year, at age 28) that he would like to see me, but the cost is too high for me.  It would hurt my mother for one thing, if I were to let everything go, such as his terrible choices and lack of self-control throughout his life. I did do his side’s family history research and lots of temple work, but hope that my mom will find someone else, if not here, on the other side. I even gave him a copy of his family history which he has enjoyed, I have heard.

But, here I am. I had a brief and very bad marriage at a young age, and was left with a toddler and expecting another. I don't think I could have made a good marriage choice, and my first husband was a product as well of divorce. But then I joined the Church as my first marriage broke up. My dream was to have the family I never had, and I met my second husband when the oldest two boys were three and one, and we were all sealed a year later. He has loved all of us unconditionally, which is what you need from your parents. That helped me heal, along with the gospel, but it has been a difficult road and he paid somewhat for my father's sins. I guess this is a good thing, to share this; most people don't understand unless they have been through something similar. My father's attitude is that he did no wrong because he can do and did just as he pleased, and that is why I just can't start over fresh with him.

Thanks for letting me vent. I agree that every marriage takes work by both parties and commitment. The gospel can be the glue if you work at it. We should encourage our children to learn to be good friends, as that is the truly enduring relationship in family life and marriage. We don't always "like" anyone, even ourselves, even a best friend. Family life is no different. It has taken me 25 years to learn these things.

Leigh Ann Smith
Lantana, Florida.

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I really appreciate the article on The Children of Divorce by Orson Scott Card. Having been a child of divorce, I know the pains associated with it.  I grew up feeling l didn't have a permanent home and no one really loved me. The lives of the adults go on; but the child’s life has been altered forever.

One area I wish would be addressed is this: for children of divorce, quite often, one parent suddenly has little or no contact with them.  Sometimes this parent rarely made time for them before the divorce, in fact. This relationship with this parent continues as the child becomes an adult. While the parent the child is living with assures the child the other parent really does love them, those are only empty words.

The other parent goes on in life as if nothing happened and it hurts so much. In their occasional phone calls or letters, they tell how much time they spend with the families of your step-parent and the friends they've made together.  They relate how they go out of town to visit these people and go on trips with them; yet they never make the time to visit you and your family no matter how close you live or how far you live from them. My family and I cannot afford to travel like they can.

My experience is this. After a phone conversation or letter I feel so hurt when I hear of all of these adventures and find no mention made as to when, if ever, I will be visited. When I express these feelings to close friends they listen and acknowledge what I feel. Yet when I express my feelings to siblings who were older and out of the house when the divorce took place I'm told, "This is your parent and deserves your respect.  The Lord said to honor your parents and you must forgive until seventy-seven times seven. You're an adult, so act like one and get over it. You're unchristian to think that way."

As an adult with this situation, how am I supposed to feel? What am I expected to do? What advice would a church leader or LDS psychologist have for someone like me? Am I not supposed to feel hurt when I know this parent will never visit me and my family, even for important events? Are people like us obligated to keep such a sick relationship going with this parent, knowing that we will continually be hurt by them as long as we keep the relationship going? I know I'm not the only person in the Church in this situation.

Down and Out (name withheld by request)

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Orson Scott Card's excellent column raises issues that are critical to the survival of our society. I hope it is widely read given thoughtful consideration.

On the topic of the detrimental impact of divorce on children, I am surprised Brother Card did not

mention any of Barbara Dafoe Whitehead's extensive work. (See, e.g., "The Divorce Culture: Rethinking Our Commitments to Marriage and Family (1998) and "Dan Quayle Was Right," The Atlantic Monthly, 47-84 (April, 1993).  

Like the work of Elizabeth Marquardt, it provides powerful, real-world evidence that divorce harms children and that parents considering divorce must weigh this detrimental impact against whatever personal benefit they believe they would derive from ending their marriage.

Kurtis Kearl
Concord, California

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As a child of a so-called "bad divorce" (which needed to happen because of abuse). I can only say: “Amen.” The emotional problems never go away. I constantly feel as though my emotional growth has been stunted. My wife is a child of a "good divorce." It seems that she battles with the emotional problems more than I do. We both make the best of it. We are determined not to repeat it so that our children do not suffer these consequences. Though I fear we are passing on to them some of our emotional baggage anyway.

Joe K.
Peoria, Arizona

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Wow, this is such a timely article and book. Our extended family is going through this "good divorce," and it is NOT CORRECT! The kids involved are adults or almost adults and the one spouse initiating the divorce said that the kids would not be affected by their decision to divorce: NOT SO!

I also agree with the author that all of us deal with children of divorce. My kids have very few friends who have the original set of parents still living together. I often play the part of "mom" for some of the children, and it is so sad that we must pick up the pieces for these kids when the adults in their lives don't seem to want to.

Too many adults are so self-focused and willing to do anything to make themselves look and feel wonderful that they are willing to sacrifice their children's happiness. They come first. Also, we now cannot say bad things to those in our family who make the decisions to divorce and remain friends. That isn't very nice or tolerant! It is the couples' business, and we'd better stay neutral.

But, we are all affected. My children now don't have cousins on one side due to the selfish behavior of a spouse, and I feel truly sorry for my niece and nephew. My children have many cousins on the other side, and they don't miss the one side much, but those children will one day have no family except for themselves, since they haven't been taught that family relations amongst extended family are important.

This is such a significant article and book. Everyone should read it as we are all affected by divorce in one way or another.

Janet Smalley Schaub
Simi Valley, California

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Glad Tidings

Gospel Doctrine: The Old Testament -- Read Article Here

I found great comfort in what you wrote. I have often found great comfort and profound wisdom in all the scriptures.

Sister Judy
Clintonville, Wisconsin

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Soft Sell

States of Grace, God’s Army 2, in the true spirit of Christmas -- Read Article Here

If the movie is as touching and beautiful as the review, I'll buy the DVD sight-unseen.

Bob Bailey
Fulton, Missouri

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A Likely Story

Has Satan Hijacked Science? -- Read Article Here

A powerful story, a story I will send to my grandchildren in college, one a Ph.D. student in science.

Thank you for such stories that reinforce our faith. Years ago I read "The Faith of a Scientist" by Elder Eyring's father. It has remained with me over 30 years. I hope this story will do the same for my grandchildren.

Donald Conkey
Woodstock, Georgia