Just a Simple “Thank You” Can be Answer Enough
By Judith Rasband

Waiting in line at the grocery store, I overheard snatches of a conversation in the adjoining line.

“You look pretty today,” said the friendly grocery checker to a customer she seemed to know.

“Oh, come on,” the woman answered in disbelief. “I look awful and you know it.”

How many times has someone told you that you looked great and you responded with something like that — or like this, “Me, look pretty? But my hair is a mess.”

Such are the ungracious and self-depreciating responses with which compliments are so often met. Hasn’t anyone been taught that the proper response to a compliment is a courteous “thank you?”

Common sense may say that it’s rude to contradict people who go out of their way to give a compliment. But it’s become common practice to dispute the flattering comment lest we be considered conceited, a braggart or at the very least dishonest.

I’ve come to believe that our casual and unpretentious American attitude toward life, coupled with our direct manner and lack of ritual response, has made us uncomfortable when we are complimented. Our insecurities surface and we answer with an almost automatic and flip denial of sorts.

Perhaps our inability to accept a compliment graciously is the result of feelings of inadequacy that most of us develop when we compare ourselves to fashion ideals. We recognize that we fall short of perfect and conclude that we cannot really be attractive. We dwell on our imperfections and when someone is so misguided as to compliment us on our more pleasing features, we feel it only honest to point out our failings.

Oh, I’ve been guilty of this practice. People sometimes tell me I look so nice and slim. Knowing full well that I carry extra weight below my waist, and righteously eager to correct this mistaken notion, I’ve responded with a flip, “Only above the waist,” or “It pays to have a skinny neck.”

Many of us, when we put ourselves down, actually imagine that we are being polite — putting others at ease or boosting them up — by pointing out that we, too, have our flaws.

But what makes us assume that others are in such a sad state themselves that they’ll get a boost from comparing us negatively to themselves?

I know that when attractive friends and acquaintances begin to bemoan about how ugly their hair is, or how fat they are getting, I simply feel irritated, not buoyed up by some sudden pleasure over my own superiority.

The unsolicited information I supplied about my figure did not please my startled friend either. “Why did you tell me that?” she lamented. “I liked thinking there was someone around who didn’t have a weight problem.”

Regardless of the cause behind our comments, when I hear myself and others thoughtlessly and continually apologizing or putting ourselves down for nothing, I have concluded the response is simply due to bad habit — not necessarily evidence of insecurity or inadequacy, so much as thoughtless habit.

And if it’s mainly a matter of habit, it shouldn’t be that difficult to overcome.

Take a few moments — at home, driving in the car, wherever — and think through what you might feel comfortable saying the next time you receive a compliment.

You could smile a big smile and practice saying, “Why thank you.”

You might make someone’s day my saying “Thanks, you just made my day.”

Or have some fun by smiling, sighing and saying, “Say it again.”

If you prefer, simply smile in response and enjoy the good that others see in you.

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Judith Rasband is founder of the Conselle Institute of Image Management and director of the Foundation for Image Integrity. Specializing in the artistic, social, and psychological aspects of dress and image, she has experienced 40 years in the field as educator including 12 years at BYU. She has taught at BYU Education Week for more than 25 years. She is a trade and textbook author, columnist, speaker, consultant, market analyst, and video producer. An international authority on image management, she is a presenter, consultant, and coach to private individuals, civic, corporate, government, and academic organizations and associations throughout the U.S. and Canada.

Top priority roles include wife, mother, grandmother, and Gospel Doctrine teacher. Judith (Judi) is married to S. Neil Rasband, Professor of Physics at BYU. They are parents of four children and grandparents to 14 grandchildren. They love to travel and sleuth out great restaurants and historic homes. They recently traveled for 16 days across the European Alps — on a motorcycle. It’s never too late to try something new!