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Letting Children Make Their Own Choices
By Natalie
J. Hale
There are times in a writer's life when she feels as though all
the words she has put to paper just might have helped someone. I
had such an experience last month when my Inbox filled with the
wonderful emails from many great mothers across the world. These
emails were in response to my last article about agency and children
and teaching. I've inserted some of them below.
These statements are merely the opinions of other people. Some
of them have gone in prayer and found out what the Lord would have
them do, others learned by trial and error. In general, think of
them as nice stories and remember that when it comes to raising
your own children, make sure to learn the general principles from
the prophets and then go to the Lord to learn any specifics for
your family and for each child.
This is from Tracy in Idaho:
When we are home and they can learn the lesson for themselves, I let them go out in whatever they choose. They often learn very quickly how cold it is and come back in to get warmer stuff on.
When we are leaving our home, I require them to bring whatever clothing and gear is appropriate for the weather and the situation. They must wear or carry out their coat/boots/hats/gloves. If they are silly enough to choose not to wear what they have brought, then they can suffer the cold. But then if we break down, their limbs and/or lives are not in danger.
Thanks, Tracy. This next one is from Susan in Delaware:
I had an experience with my son when he was about three years old, trying to get him to not wear shorts and short sleeves one day. I took him to the door, and opened it up and asked him what he wanted to wear, shorts or long pants.
Here's a great piece of advice from Sandy: “I would go outside with my children. We would bundle up together. It was always fun to play together.”
One of the best teaching methods — when it comes to very young children — is taking them by the hand and doing the task with them. It makes it fun and shows them that you really mean it. Another option is to give them an either/or choice:
So when a young child is about to go outside, it sometimes works to offer him a choice between two equally acceptable alternatives: "Do you want to wear the red coat or the blue one?"
It's also a good idea to set children up to make a decision for themselves by approaching the situation before it reaches a crisis: "I think it's pretty cold outside and we might want to wear a warm coat. Would you like to open the door and check to see how cold it is? We don't want to be uncomfortable or catch cold." (Gail Wasden)
This one is from Deborah Jessop:
This way they still have a choice and they'll wear a coat I think this also empowers them and they'll soon make choices without Mom setting out the clothes.
Here's another great way to persuade your child to put on his/her coat depending on the gender of your child:
I'd get my coat and say to the girls something like, “Your grey coat would look great with that.” The boys didn't care — they would pile any old thing on them just to keep warm. There are times when they didn't want to wear a coat so I would just get it out of the closet, put it in the car and wait for them to be cold enough to want it. Power plays just wear everyone down and make enemies.
It starts for me in the shops when I purchase it. I always let the children choose, even though I check the price tags first and give them a choice of the ones I have picked. Maybe I am blessed, but my kids are very respectful of how tight money is for us.
I have seen parents force their kids to wear something they didn't want to; my mother was like that to me so I decided at a very young age not to do that to my kids. I respect that they are aware of their body temperatures much more than I am. Keep up the good work Natalie; you are blessing the lives of mothers everywhere. (Fran Cashman, Australia)
As for letting children choose their own clothes (within your price limit), here's one from Kristin, whose daughter would wear only pink clothes. The trouble was, her pink outfits were summer clothes and not very warm for winter. Her solution? She bought some pink winter clothes. She wrote:
When they refuse to do something it is often because they want an opportunity to use their own agency, so we try to provide positive choices. After a few weeks of letting her choose, things are getting much better. She even chose blue jeans for preschool yesterday! There are still days she refuses to put on her coat; it is black and I am not buying a new pink coat! So the next best option was to give her a choice: a coat or a warm hat and gloves (usually the hat and gloves are enough to keep her warm for our short errands here and there).
When it came to snow, she wanted to wear her pink tutu and black patent leather church shoes to play in the backyard. I showed her how her sisters were wearing layers of snow clothes, but I let her choose. There was no yelling, no battling, and needless to say after two minutes in the snow she was back inside asking for her snow clothes!
This parent hit it on the head:
[J]ust think and let go of the power issue. (Pat Proffit)
This next one is from Grandmother Stormie:
My 5-year-old granddaughter has a strong will, so with imagination I can get around a lot of rules. When it is cold outside, I say, "Today we will be little squirrels and we must put on our fuzzy coats like they have and help us keep warm." Or I will let them choose what they want to make believe.
I tell them to look outside and see if the wind is blowing, I remind them with a little song I sing. "Who can see the wind, neither you nor I, but when the wind goes rushing by the leaves all wave goodbye." We play, "What should we wear? Is it a sweater day or a coat day?" It is fun to watch them think things over.
I also have a 22-month-old, and she really gets into the game also. Letting children build their independence is a wonderful thing. We can rest in peace if we teach these little ones how to take care of themselves. Thank you for a thought-provoking article.
Here's a great story from Penny Quist on using Family Home Evening help everyone understand that choices have consequences:
We spent a most wonderful year with the FHE topic of "little choices have BIG consequences." The first activity we did that year was to ask our children (in January) to put on their favorite summer pajamas and then to step out on our porch. We promptly shut the door. Giggles turned to pleas for us to open that door. We explained that it wasn't a big deal; they had just stepped out on the porch. Soon, we opened the door and made the statement that has lasted to the point of a Family Motto: Little choices have BIG consequences. (No children were harmed in this FHE activity!)
Just as with the teenager you spoke of, there are times (that are not dangerous) that we need to allow our children to pay the price of consequence for their choice. A mother could say, “It's cold outside; I'm going to wear my coat.” If those children do not choose to follow her example, they may find a couple of miles down the road that the back seat is not as comfortable as it could have been. Being cold for one trip is not going to endanger them, but it may leave a long-lasting impression upon them.
We are quick as parents to comfort and protect every aspect of our children's lives. We don't want them to fail, but failing at nothing begets failure and a false sense of entitlement later. We don't want them to suffer the least bit, but there is long-lasting growth and experience when allowed to use our agency and learn from the consequences it may bring.
It is a much better time when decisions will not permanently harm or hinder to allow our children to practice their agency. It is one thing to decide whether or not you will wear a coat as compared to whether or not you will choose a certain profession.
Perfection is made in the Practice. Let them safely practice their free agency and live with the consequences within the realms of our homes. And later, we can reap the wisdom of our accountable and well choosing children.
Yes, it lightens the spirit to know that mothers out there do know and understand the delicate balance of parenting and children and agency. Keep up the good work, sisters. Motherhood is the noblest calling we'll ever have.
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