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Stopping Temper
Tantrums the Lord's Way
By Natalie
J. Hale
Continuing the theme
of temper tantrums, we move to the subject of what
is the Lord’s way of stopping temper tantrums?
The best place to start would be His guidebooks,
the scriptures.
It is stated of Lehi
regarding his attitude to his wayward sons that
he, “[D]id exhort them then with all the feeling
of a tender parent, that they would hearken to his
words, that perhaps the Lord would be merciful to
them, and not cast them off; yea, my father did
preach unto them” (1 Nephi 8:37).
Lehi was setting limits
without violating his sons’ agency. Granted,
the children in question, Laman and Lemuel, were
adults and not toddlers, but their actions had demonstrated
a lack of self-control (remember that they were
known for murmuring and had attempted to kill Nephi).
If you reread the story
of Laman and Lemuel you will see that their behavior
is similar in structure to a child screaming in
the grocery store when she doesn’t get that
candy or the toy that she wants. Surely there are
more elements to what parents can and should do
to teach their children self-control without violating
their agency, but will be reserved for a later article.
Even Dr. Harvey Karp,
author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block, tells
parents to give their children limits:
Your
toddler may resist your limits now, but in the long
run they will make her happier. Children without
limits feel out of control, insecure, and even unloved.
No wonder they keep pushing until we take a stand.
And that’s only one of the reasons your sweet
child may suddenly try to steamroll you! (Dr. Harvey
Karp, The Happiest Toddler on the Block, p. 201)
There are current trends
in parenting that would seem to influence parents
to let children have what they want when they want
it. Be the parents motivated by guilt for not spending
more time with the children, or fear that the child
won’t like them or be their friend, or whatever
other reason there might be, President Faust countered
this cultural trend when he said:
There is often a
special challenge for those parents who are affluent
or overly indulgent. In a sense, some children
in those circumstances hold their parents hostage
by withholding their support of parental rules
unless the parents acquiesce to the children’s
demands. Elder Neal A. Maxwell (1926–2004)
of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “Those
who do too much for their children will soon find
they can do nothing with their children. So many
children have been so much done for they are almost
done in.” It seems to be human nature that
we do not fully appreciate material things we
have not ourselves earned (James E. Faust, “A
Thousand Threads of Love,” Ensign, Oct.
2005, 3).
Setting
and maintaining the Lord’s limits can be hard
to do, especially when you are tired, sick, or have
other children that need looking after. But it can
and should be done. And you can almost be guaranteed
that after you start setting limits on those tantrums,
your child is going to fight them. In fact, here is
one man’s method of dealing with such a situation:
[G]ive a reason for
any limit-setting decision you make, but don’t
expect the child to agree … Just say, “Oh,
I know you don’t agree with me. Why if I
were you, I wouldn’t agree with me either.”
And turn around and walk away. Make your decision,
communicate it, give a reason, acknowledge that
you didn’t expect the child to agree, and
walk away. Disengage, leaving the child to “stew
in his/her own juices.” This is the difference
between giving a child reasons and trying to reason
with the child. Trying to reason is the ill-fated
attempt to make the child understand (and therefore
agree with the parent (John Rosemond, A Family
of Value, p. 142).
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| About
the Author: |
Natalie
J. Hale is founding editor of the Enlightened Homemaker newsletter.
Coupling years of research and experience from parents, she implements
daily issues into doable activities. She also hosts a book club
for homemakers where they study books on any of the many topics
of homemaking, and publishes their reviews. For more information,
or to subscribe visit http://enlightenedhomemaker.com
Natalie is also
a member of the Society of Children’s Writers and Illustrators,
has had two short stories published, written articles and reviews
for several other publications including Renaissance Magazine,
Children’s Book Insider, and Writer’s Weekly. Plans to
self-publish her first children’s books are underway.
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