Putting a Marriage Back Together – An Invitation
By Sean E. Brotherson
Introduction
Recently
I was traveling on business and happened to sit by a couple
of women on the shuttle bus from the airport to the hotel.
We struck up a conversation and one of them asked me about what
I do. I told her that I studied and taught about family relationships,
particularly marriage and parenting, and she became interested
in what I studied. I told her that I was engaged in a new research
study on couples who at one time have thought about separation
or divorce but have remained together and made their relationship
work. As we discussed it and my hopes for gaining new knowledge
to help couples who struggle, she took a card out of her wallet
and gave it to me and said, “My spouse and I qualify for your
study and we’d love to share our insights. Give us a call and
come visit us.”
I
would have been surprised by this encounter if I had not learned
that it is not a surprise. What I call “marital reconciliation”
is a common phenomenon that we know little about. For example:
- Scott and Leslie, a solid Latter-day Saint couple,
had been married over twenty-five years and had several children.
Their relationship disintegrated to the point that he moved
out and they were separated for many months. They proceeded
toward a divorce until, finally, two hours before they were
to sign divorce papers he called and asked if they could try
one last time. They did. Three years later they are holding
hands and trying to make their relationship last forever.
- Jim and Marie had a bright, engaging relationship
when they met and married. But early in their marriage it
emerged that Marie had experienced some challenges with her
family life in the past that made intimacy difficult and discouraging
at times. Each loved the other but over time they developed
relationship patterns that often resulted in misunderstanding
and emotional distance. Each at times seriously considered
divorce. But they stayed with each other and worked to improve
and today feel positive and hopeful about their future.
- As young coeds at BYU, Mark and Melissa met and
married. Their first years together were growing years, rich
in love despite occasional disagreements. Then Mark was asked
to take a new job and he moved ahead of his young family,
spending eight months in a distant state while seeing Melissa
and his children occasionally. When they finally completed
the move, Mark and Melissa found that an unknown distance
had grown between them and their relationship soured. They
entered counseling and were able over time to bring their
relationship closer again.
The
examples I have shared above are real. I have met all of these
couples and talked with them individually. Each of them would
state something that I learned to teach early and often in classes
on creating successful couple and marriage relationships.
No
couple is immune to the possibility of separation or divorce.
My
young students at different universities sometimes roll their
eyes and squeeze the hand of their boyfriend or girlfriend tighter
when I teach this concept.
No
couple is immune to the possibility of separation or divorce.
It
is true. I wish it were not true. But it is true. So what
can we do about it?
The Phenomenon of Marital Difficulty and Reconciliation
If
you look at research on marriage and divorce, you will find
many different models of marital “dissolution” – the ending
of a marriage relationship. It’s a common area of research.
It gives insight into the steps that take many couples slowly
downhill from the peaks of marital happiness and growth to the
dark valleys of marital difficulty and despair. Too often the
suggestion when discussing the possibility of divorce is like
this:
Option 1 – Grow
apart as a couple, become estranged or hostile, and file for
divorce – end up separated and eventually divorced.
Option 2 – Grow
apart as a couple, become estranged or hostile, but decide to
stick it out and live together in unhappiness and enduring misery
for years and years.
Is
there no Third Option? There is. In fact, there is a marriage
education and support program called “The Third Option.” The
Third Option is to reverse your course, repent and forgive,
learn and grow, and re-create a healthy and stable marriage
relationship despite difficulties or disagreements or stumbling
blocks along the way.
I
was fascinated several years ago by new findings in research
that suggested this pattern was not only possible, but relatively
more common than is discussed or understood. I have intense
concerns about the high rate of divorce and marital difficulty
in America today and around the world. The likelihood of divorce
for an average married couple today is often suggested to be
between 40 and 45 percent. You should know, however, that your
likelihood as a couple may be much, much lower depending on
other factors in your life, such as involvement in your religious
faith, patterns of communication, age at marriage, and other
variables. That’s a topic we’ll save for another day.
As
I began getting into the research literature on marriage and
divorce, seeking to understand where I might begin to study
this topic in a way that could lead to better options for couples,
I found some eye-opening findings in a few selected studies:
- A national sample of couples was studied and rated
their marital satisfaction at two times that were five years
apart. Those individuals who rated their marriage satisfaction
as “unhappy” or “very unhappy” the first time almost did a
U-turn by the second time – of those who stayed married (most
of them did), 86% of them rated their same marriage as “happy”
or “very happy” five years later. What happened?
- In the same national study, most spouses who rated
their marriage satisfaction as “unhappy” had a spouse who
rated the marriage as “happy” – 72% of them! So, it is most
accurate to talk about persons who are unhappy with their
marriage now – not always!.
- In a different national study of couples, 60% of
couples who divorced rated almost the same as still married
couples on levels of disagreement, violence in the relationship,
feelings of strong love for each other, and going out regularly.
On paper, they looked about exactly the same. So, why did
these couples with average levels of happiness and interaction
end up getting divorced?
- Other surveys of couples have found that between
50 and 60 percent of spouses reveal that at one time or another
in the relationship they have seriously thought about or considered
separation or divorce. It is a relatively common experience
to have doubts or difficulty at some point as a marriage partner!
What
is the point I am trying to make?
Just
this.
- It is not uncommon, in fact it is relatively common,
for one or both spouses in a couple relationship to think
about or discuss separation or divorce at some point but remain
together in the marriage relationship.
- Most couples who actually do divorce do not have
differences or difficulties that are hugely different from
other married couples that have challenges but remain together.
- It is not uncommon for couples to go through periods
of difficulty in marriage but then to “reconcile” and move
toward stability in the marriage relationship.
This
is the Phenomenon of Marital Difficulty and Reconciliation.
You may have experienced it. But we don’t know a lot about
your experience. If any of this sounds familiar, then you may
have joined an interesting kind of Club.
Welcome
to the Club! The problem is that nobody knows you are a member
of the Club because you don’t tell anyone, and you don’t know
who has been a member of the Club since they generally don’t
tell anyone either. There are probably some really good reasons
for that. It just leaves you too often feeling one thing.
You think that you are the only member of the Club! And that
leaves you feeling alone, stressed, inadequate, guilty, frustrated,
wondering, and scared, because it seems so unlikely that anyone
else is a member of this club.
I
wonder how many other individuals are like the woman I met on
the bus, who at one point have faced marital challenges, but
remarkably, have faced them down and moved ahead and created
a stable and positive and fulfilling marriage relationship.
They have wisdom and insight to share. But almost no one has
talked to them or listened to them and what they have to share
and help us learn about marriage – and making it work in spite
of difficulties. We need that wisdom.
An Invitation to Participate
A
few months ago, I began a new project – the Putting a Marriage
Back Together Study. It is meant to help illuminate the experiences
and insights of couples who have been through the process of
marital reconciliation. We are interviewing couples in stable
marriage relationships who at one point have experienced the
threat of separation or divorce, meaning it was discussed or
considered at one point in time in the past by one or both marriage
partners.
We
want to learn from their experiences in overcoming challenges
individually and together. We want to learn from the turning
points in their lives and relationships. We want to learn about
the resources and sources of support that were helpful or meaningful.
We want to learn about what saves marriages and not just about
what makes them end.
All
information that we collect is confidential and participation
is voluntary. So, if you have experience and insight that you
are willing to share and would like to participate, please contact
me for further information. Or, please share this invitation
with others you might know who could participate.
We
are currently interviewing in two primary areas:
- The upper Midwest (Dakotas, Minnesota, etc.)
- The Utah-Idaho region (Wasatch Front, southern
Idaho, etc.)
These
areas will expand as more couples express interest in sharing
their ideas and participating in the study. You can contact
me to ask questions, get further information, or express interest
at: Sean Brotherson, sbrother@ndsuext.nodak.edu (email).
Conclusion
Someone
asked me the other day how this study is going. He thought
it was a good idea and wanted to know why people might be willing
to share. I told him about one couple I interviewed and I asked
them the same question.
They
looked at each other and then at me and she said, “Because we
are a success, and we want to help other couples who have struggled
to be a success.” I can agree with that. Putting a marriage
back together is a better story than tearing one apart. I hope
to hear some of those stories.
(You
can share any comments or feedback with Sean Brotherson at brotherson@meridianmagazine.com
- look forward to hearing from you!).
