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(PART
I) “Preparing Your Children for Intimacy in Marriage—Preparing
to Teach”
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(PART II)
“Preparing Your Children for Intimacy in Marriage—What to Teach”
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(PART
III) “Preparing Your Children for Intimacy in Marriage—When and
How to Teach”
A
Positive Approach—Teaching Light and Truth Regarding Intimacy
Society
is saturated with sexual information—most of it negative, distorted,
even corrupt. Parents must go on the offensive, teaching a healthy
and holy understanding of sexuality. President Gordon B. Hinckley
counseled parents to “teach their children the sanctity of sex,
that the gift of creating life is sacred” (Hinckley, Teachings
of Gordon B. Hinckley, 48). Parents must transform their
teachings from an almost exclusive emphasis on dire premarital
warnings, to a positive emphasis on the marital blessings of
sexual purity and the righteous sharing of physical intimacies
within marriage.
A
conviction regarding the sanctity of sexual relations in marriage
can inspire youth with a compelling desire and ability to resist
Satan’s snares. Satan seeks to keep us from the light, for light
and truth have the power to “forsake that evil one” (Doctrine
& Covenants 93:37). Parents unwittingly play into his hands
when they do not teach light and truth regarding sex and the
body.
Sex
as a Sacred Marital Ordinance. Elder
Jeffrey R. Holland gave an inspired discourse on human sexuality
entitled “Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments.” Defining sexual
relations in marriage as a sacrament or sacred marital ordinance,
he stated, “Sexual intimacy is not only a symbolic union between
a man and a woman—the uniting of their very souls—but it is
also symbolic of a union between mortals and deity. . . . Human
intimacy is a sacrament, a very special kind of symbol” (Holland,
“Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments,” 12).
Defining
marital intimacy as a “sacred ordinance” reserved by God for
marriage can have a subtle but powerful influence and provide
the spiritual insight and understanding youth need to resist
temptation. Reverence and respect can be instilled within the
hearts and minds of youth as they are taught that sex is a symbolic
ordinance, reserved for marriage. This will also provide a much
broader and stronger vision regarding the seriousness of toying
with sexual intimacies outside of marriage.
God’s
Purposes for Sex in Marriage. Physical intimacy is ordained of God and has holy purposes.
Teach your children that God created the sexual union of husband
and wife for purposes such as:
·
Expressing love
and passion,
·
For companionship,
·
For physical,
emotional, and spiritual bonding and healing, and
·
For mutual pleasure
and joy.
Pleasure
is generally thought of as negative—something for which we must
repent. The concept of sexual relations as a righteous means
of sharing enjoyment and pleasure within marriage—in addition
to being for procreative purposes—need not be foreign to our
youth.
Gender
Acceptance and Role Learning
It
is important that parents teach that there is a special reason
that each of us is either male or female. Early in life the
foundation of sexual health is established when children have
firmly accepted their value and identity as male or female.
Sexual distress begins when children feel unaccepted, which
leads to self-rejection and potential gender confusion. (See
the Church’s Parent’s Guide, 20).
For
healthy gender identity to develop, children need the influence,
involvement and teachings of both the father and mother. Mothers
tend to teach feminine characteristics and perspectives. Fathers
tend to teach masculine characteristics and perspectives. Both
are needed for a balanced life.
The
Body Is Good and Is a Gift from God
Our
physical bodies are one of our greatest earthly gifts. Elder
James E. Talmage taught, “We have been taught . . . to look
upon these bodies of ours as gifts from God. We Latter-day Saints
do not regard the body as something to be condemned, something
to be abhorred. . . . We regard [the body] as the sign of our
royal birthright. . . . We believe that these bodies . . . may
be made, in very truth, the temple of the Holy Ghost” (Holland,
“Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments,” 6).
Let
us teach our youth that we are spirit children of our Heavenly
Father and that the body was created as a temple in which our
spirit dwells. Understanding the sacred purposes of the body
as a temple for the spirit self can instill reverence for the
body. We would never defile or misuse a house of the Lord, neither
should we defile nor misuse our bodies for sexual pleasure outside
of marriage. Youth who fully understand that God’s spirit resides
within their bodies have power and protection to help them resist
the devil’s deceptions.
Though
some may believe the body and sex to be “carnal, sensual and
devilish” due to Satan’s deceptions, they are mistaken. Satan
and his followers do not have bodies and seek to destroy us
by encouraging us to misunderstand, mistreat, and misuse our
bodies. Though many in the world do not understand the blessings
and divine nature of the body, you can arm your children with
the power of truth.
Teach
children to take special care to nourish and keep their body
clean. Teach correct names for body parts and model healthy
acceptance and respect for all parts of the body.
Children are not curious about things they already know about.
Parents of young children must remember that exploration of
the body is natural to a child. How parents respond to innocent
exploration will affect a child’s feelings about themselves,
their bodies and their sexuality.
The
Essentials of Procreation
When
most parents think of preparing their children for intimacy
in marriage they think primarily of teaching the mechanics of
procreation. While that is an important part of teaching your
children it is not the only teaching or even the earliest teaching
that is needed. Depending upon the age and readiness of a child
parents need to prayerfully consider how much and when what
teachings are needed. This is why “sex education” must not be
a one-time event.
As
suggested by Dr. Wayne Anderson, LDS psychologist, there are
six general categories of information that need to be taught
about procreation: (1) bodily organs and their functions; (2)
physical differences between boys and girls; (3) the origin
of babies; (4) intrauterine growth; (5) the birth process and
(6) the father’s role. (See Curtis and Anderson, Living,
Loving & Marrying, 208–16). LDS and Christian resources
to help teach these topics are listed in Chapter 15 of the book,
And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through
Sexual Fulfillment.
Sex
Can Be Controlled
Some
youth, particularly young men, have come to believe that they
simply cannot control themselves when it comes to indulging
in sexual behavior. This is a lie. Teach your children that
sexual feelings and behavior can be controlled.
The Lord has asked that we refrain from sexual relations outside
of marriage. We know the Lord will ask nothing of us that we
will not be able to do (see 1 Nephi 3:7). Teach your
youth to develop mental discipline and to strengthen themselves
spiritually, which will give them power to master their physical
appetites and passions.
Teach
youth that we don’t want them to extinguish their God-given
desires and passions, but to harness and preserve them, like
electricity that is channeled into an electrical outlet, providing
a productive use of that power in the appropriate time and place.
The scriptures teach, “bridle all your passions, that ye may
be filled with love” (Alma 38:12).
Some
fear that as the world grows more and more wicked and blatant
with sin, they will not be able to resist the temptations that
abound. This is untrue. Teach youth that as they live on the
Lord’s side of the line and couple their strength with God,
they can overcome any temptation.
God’s
Standards
Like
a road map through a dark and dangerous forest, God lovingly
provides standards of moral behavior, which provide physical,
emotional, and spiritual safety. Moral standards keep youth
from physical dangers, such as unwanted pregnancy, or
sexually transmitted diseases; they provide emotional
protection by maintaining self-respect, self-esteem, confidence,
and peace of mind; and they provide spiritual safety
by keeping youth from the heart-rending pain and sorrow necessary
for true repentance from sexual sin. Parents must stay close
to their children to encourage the development of maturity and
guard them from situations that can easily get out of control.
Our
Heavenly Father knows that reserving sexual relations for marriage
brings the greatest happiness. This is His standard. Just as
baptism is reserved until the age of eight and serving a mission
is reserved until age nineteen for men and twenty-one for women,
so, too, must youth wait until they are legally and lawfully
wedded before God authorizes sexual relations.
Sexuality
is good when used within the bounds the Lord has set. Sexual
passions are driving emotions given us by God, but we also have
the responsibility to reverence and respect them as a sacred
part of the sacrament of marriage. Teach youth “good girls (and
guys) do” . . . they just wait until marriage.
It
is critical that our youth not only understand God’s standards,
but also the good news of the gospel that we can repent when
we make mistakes. We can be forgiven and cleansed of our sins
until we remember them (with anguish) no more. Using an oft-used
analogy, the power of the Atonement not only removes the nail
from the piece of wood, nor does it simply fill the hole with
wood putty, but it can restore the wood, so the hole is gone.
“Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow”
(Isaiah 1:18).
Modesty. Keeping
God’s standards of modest dress and appearance is an important
way to show our respect and appreciation for our bodies as sacred
gifts from God. Appearance or dress that causes any part of
the body to be more interesting to look at than the face and
the eyes could be considered immodest. Encourage youth to wear
clothing now that would also be appropriate after they have
received their temple endowments.
Modesty
is important to teach to both young women and young men.
Be careful not to imply that young women must be modest,
so that young men can control themselves. This is a dangerous
message for both sexes! It incorrectly teaches young women that
they are responsible for another’s sexual behavior. This also
incorrectly teaches young men that they are helpless to control
themselves when someone else dresses immodestly.
A
negative or over-zealous approach to teaching modesty often
carries over into the marital bedroom. Many women are unable
to comfortably share their bodies with their husbands during
lovemaking in marriage. Parents and leaders must be careful
to balance their messages of modesty to avoid unnecessary marital
inhibitions. This is no easy task. If we are not careful in
our approach, encouraging modest appearance and behavior during
youth will conflict with the scriptural counsel to be “naked
and not ashamed” after marriage (see Genesis 2:25; Moses
3:25; Abraham 5:19).
Dating. God has counseled youth to wait until age sixteen or
later before they begin dating (see For the Strength
of Youth, 24). This allows youth to develop maturity, which
is demonstrated by regularly making good choices. In marriage,
spending lots of time together builds emotional intimacy and
closeness, which are wonderful precursors to physical intimacy.
But those same behaviors can be dangerous outside of marriage
to those unprepared for the powerful feelings of physical desire.
Loving
parents can help youth understand the power of emotional intimacy
in marriage and monitor how much time is spent together to avoid
too much familiarity developing between their youth and members
of the opposite sex.
Sexual
Fulfillment Takes Time and Effort after Marriage
Parents and leaders must teach beyond
being chaste and marrying in the temple—beyond “happily ever
after.” Chastity before marriage does not ensure sexual fulfillment
within marriage. Knowing what to expect of the sexual relationship
is an important part of a successful transition from premarital
prohibitions to mutual sexual fulfillment after marriage. Parents
must instill the expectation that time, effort, study, and intimate
educating between husband and wife will be needed after marriage
to fine tune the symphony of sexual relations. (See also Chapter
3 and 4 “The Symphony of the Female Sexual Response” in the
book And They Were Not Ashamed.)
Blessings
of Righteousness
Long
ago Satan launched his campaign that “sex in any season brings
pleasure.” Others have countered with the strategy “sin brings
pain.” It may be time for a new, more effective and positive
approach using the inspiring message that “righteousness brings
peace.” Sex education and moral training have often centered
on the consequences of immorality and disobedience to God’s
commandments. Fear, warnings, negative consequences, and dire
statistics are not the greatest motivators of righteousness.
No matter how high or alarming the statistics get, teens still
maintain an attitude that says, “It won’t happen to me.”
Below
are ten blessings of obedience to God’s commandments of moral
restraint and of personal righteousness. Teach youth to understand
and develop their own testimonies of the blessings of righteousness,
helping them to fasten their personal shield of righteousness.
1.
Companionship of the Holy Ghost. Each of us has a special role to play in building God’s
kingdom. We need the power of the Spirit of God to fulfill our
earthly missions. When we follow the Lord’s standards and strive
for personal righteousness, we are promised that the Holy Ghost
will be our constant companion (See Doctrine & Covenants
121:45–46).
2.
Peace and a Clear Conscience. When that Spirit of Christ is heeded to avoid sin,
or when repentance takes place after sin, peace of mind and
a clear conscience are the rich rewards. Sin is a heavy burden,
whereas repentance and righteousness bring light and peace.
3. Happiness. Everyone
wants to be happy. Happiness comes from righteousness. Satan
seeks to deceive some into believing sin is more fun, but wickedness
never brings long-term happiness (see Alma 41:10).
4.
Confidence in Self and in God. Righteousness creates an engaging
countenance of confidence in self and in God. Confidence comes
by keeping the commandments. What is there to fear when you
know you are doing what pleases God?
5.
Faith. Obedience
to God’s commandments is rewarded with faith. Faith is a sure
knowledge that a loving God is in charge and that He can help
and heal us. With every act of obedience—every time unclean
thoughts are expelled from the mind, every time temptations
are resisted—faith increases. Increased faith makes it easier
to be obedient the next time. Faith and obedience create a cycle
of spiritual strength.
6.
Self-discipline.
Behaviors begin with a thought. Mental discipline is key to
self-discipline. As youth choose to keep their thoughts and
behaviors in check they develop greater self-discipline. Self-control
gives one the ability to create life’s circumstances,
rather than being acted upon.
7.
Proper Focus in Life.
The development of self-discipline builds the foundations of
a successful future. A proper focus keeps priorities in place,
putting first things first.
8.
Self-respect.
As we face the challenges of life with resolute determination
to choose righteously we develop greater respect for ourselves.
We also learn greater respect for God as we experience firsthand
the blessings of obedience. Self-respect builds strength of
character and spiritual fortitude.
9.
Trust. To be trusted is an honor. Parents and others bestow
trust when they see correct choices being made over a period
of time. Instill in your children a desire to be trusted not
only to resist temptations, but to also be trusted to stay away
from potential temptations. Trust that is developed in
youth carries over into marriage. Having made good choices morally
in the past is a strong indicator of future marital fidelity.
10.
Firm Foundation for a Strong Marriage and Family. The blessings of righteousness outlined here lay a
firm foundation upon which a strong and secure marriage and
family can be built. Youth can be taught to understand the connection
between their choices now and their future happiness in marriage
and family.
Conclusion
What is needed to successfully prepare children to be
morally clean and better prepared for intimacy in marriage goes
beyond teaching the birds and the bees. With a positive focus
on God’s purposes for sexual intimacy and on the blessings of
righteousness parents can endow their children with the power
and protection of light and truth and better prepare them for
lasting fulfillment in marriage.
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To obtain the full chapters on preparing your children
for intimacy in marriage you can purchase the book And They
Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment
at http://www.StrengtheningMarriage.com.
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