Let me start this week by saying that I am excited about the community of readers and responders this column is developing. Each week, your letters and feedback roll in, and much of it is very enlightening stuff!

When I first asked for your guesses as to what the Three Alternatives (to the Three Deceivers of Control, Ownership and Independence — CO&I) should be, I was overwhelmed with both the quantity and the quality of the response. Keep it up! As your own ideas develop concerning what the Three Alternatives (the gospel-centered paradigms or attitudes that draw us closer to the Spirit and that can replace the Three Deceivers that lead us away), continue to send them to me. In the meantime, I will continue to develop the case against the Three Deceivers, because I continue to believe that we must rid ourselves of them, break our addiction to them and overcome our obsession with them, before we will be ready to make the switch to their alternatives.

Last week we focused on how easy it is to be tricked and led toward CO&I by appearances and media and false paradigms. Now it's time to look at some habits or thoughtless patterns we fall into which allow the three deceivers to take hold of us. These are subtle, gradual things — they grow and take hold like all addictions, a little bit at a time. To understand it, we need to probe three "Hows":

Let’s take a deeper look at each of those three Hows.

The Race

"The Jonses have one, so we should have one." "We have to have the second income so we can have the second home." "If we want our kids to get in the right college, we have to have the right private school." "I need a better palm pilot and more planning so I can get more control of my life." "Joe has so much more independence than I do. He goes where he wants when he wants. I'm too dependent on other people and have too many people who are dependent on me."

Getting there faster, doing more, controlling more, having more, and constantly comparing ourselves with those around us has become a way of life for most people. When did life become such a contest, such a race? We ought to remember what Thoreau said:

And we ought to remember what e.e. cummings said: "More, more, more, more. What are we anyway, morticians?"

Part of the problem is that we live so close to each other, and comparing is so easy. Another part of the problem is that we are surrounded by media that are always making comparisons for us and setting up the "ideal" that we are all expected to aspire to and follow. To repeat the quote from last week, "Like our ancestors, we observe our neighbors through a rectangular, glass window. The difference is that we turn our glass window on and off with a remote."

We slip subtly into the race for control, ownership, and independence, running along with everyone else. As we run faster and faster, we see less along the way. Is it really a race we want to be in? And are the "rewards" of control, ownership and independence really the prizes we want to keep?

Or do we want to consciously drop out of that race, and seek our happiness in other places?

Mirrors and Windows

The old circus mirrors made us laugh because they distorted everything. Today’ windows, though — windows of fashion and of self-image and of trying to reflect what the world seems to want us to be — can be equally distorting.

Even worse than old wavy glass or circus mirrors is when our windows start turning into mirrors, and we lose our ability to see others and their needs. If our windows become coated with the silver of selfishness and self-absorption, we begin to see only into them and not through them. We see others only in terms of how they can help us, or how they will affect our image, or how they will fit into our plans, or as reflections of what we have more of (or less of) than someone else. CO&I are all about ourselves — all about mirrors.

Anais Nin said "We do not see the world as it is, we see it as we are." Or, I might add, we see it as we wish it were or as we wish we were. We think we want more control, more ownership, and more independence, and we fit everything into that model, including other people.

Happiness comes from seeing the world around us, and the people in it, as they really are — seeing through windows instead of into mirrors, being aware of the needs and feelings of others, accepting them as they are and not comparing ourselves to them, and having true perspective about the things that really matter.

Getting Distracted from our True Goals

On clear days when we have clear perspective, we all know what really matters. We know that our relationships, our families, our health, our character, and our growth as human beings and as children of God are the things that count. We even know, when our spirits are clear, that we control very little and God controls all — that ownership is an illusion and that God owns all, and that independence is not the ideal — but interdependence with each other and dependence on God.

The problem is that these clear moments don't come often enough. We live in a world of clamor and activity and impressions from media and from peers and society that all tell us we need to control more, to own more, and to be more independent and self-sufficient — and that we must compete and compare on the basis of the false ideals of the world.

Beyond being false and deceiving objectives, the paradigms of the world block our vision and our perception of the real goals and take our attention away from enjoying all the gifts that God has given, away from noticing and helping those in need, away from developing our faith and our character.

Before we can succeed with clear re-defining of the happiness (and the objectives) we seek, we must rid ourselves of the false perspectives and the rat race mentality that we absorb from the world. This column will, steadily and progressively, week by week, help us to do so.

And as we try to run away from CO&I, we must also be asking ourselves what we are running toward. What are the Three Alternatives?

To take a guess on what The Three Alternatives are, or to express your ideas or feedback, write to Richard@meridianmagazine.com. As you make your own search for the Three Alternative, or as you send them in to me, remember that they must preserve all of the good aspects of CO&I (initiative, discipline, and so on) but eliminate all of the negative aspects (judgment, jealousy, conceit, presumption, envy, covetousness, and other deceiving and damaging qualities). The three Alternatives must draw us closer to God rather than distancing us from Him.