When a Relief Society president wrote in recently and asked how she could get vital information from her bishop, it opened the floodgates for helpful advice on how to help her do her calling.  This week’s answers come from bishops and former bishops, Relief Society presidents and former Relief Society presidents — and others who have the goal of helping Out of the Loop find her footing in her new calling.

Here’s what they had to say:

I have been a bishop twice.  My best source for information on individual and family problems, other than the Holy Ghost, was my Relief Society president.  A RS president's best information pipeline is her visiting teaching organization.  Visiting teachers are most likely to become aware of family needs. 

Sisters are more likely to share concerns with their visiting teacher than most other places within the ward family.  Good communications within the VT network with VT supervisors and the RS presidency will generally keep the RS president very well informed on conditions that can be lovingly attended to by a concerned and informed RS president.  

I believe that this RS president will find the answer to her problem of lack of knowledge and cooperation with the bishop and the priesthood leaders will be best solved by activating and expanding the communication links within the visiting teaching organization.   She will then become a valued source for the needs for compassionate service and priesthood attention.

Bishop Times Two

Thanks for your input, Times Two.  Relief Society presidents, like the rest of us ward members, are used to thinking of the bishop as the one who has all the input.  It’s letters such as yours — and some of the others in today’s column — that remind us the bishop is only as informed as his ward members allow him to be, and that the Relief Society president is his primary resource of information.

Here’s a similar perspective, but this time from a Relief Society president:

I'm unclear as to what information the bishop isn't providing his RS president. As RS president in my ward, I am the one who feeds information to the bishop.  Some I receive from visiting teachers who have called or emailed. Some I get when I visit people — actives, inactives, members in hospitals, new move-ins, those moving out or those having babies. I frequently text or email the bishop little bits of information I have learned and sometimes include a note about what action I am taking. He'll text back if he feels it's needed.

I attend ward correlation meeting, home/visit teaching meeting, and ward welfare meeting. There is probably plenty going on that I don't know, but it hasn't affected what I am doing.  The only way I can think a bishop can shackle a Relief Society president is to not staff the positions in her organization.  What information does she need that she can't get on her own?

Happy, and Busy Too, in Beaverton

Thanks for your perspective, Happy.   As the Relief Society president, you’re the one who’s in the homes of ward members.  You’re the one who’s there for moves, for births, for illness, or for other occasions.  If anyone in the ward has a corner on information, the Relief Society president (with the help of her corps of visiting teachers) should be it.

Here’s input from another bishop:

Sometimes bishops have to be trained to communicate with the ward auxiliaries.  It is easy, especially for a new bishop, to forget to communicate important things that a Relief Society president needs to know. 

You should be having a monthly PPI with your bishop.  If you aren’t, you need to take the initiative to make that happen.  If the bishopric is making callings in Relief Society without your knowledge, you need to remind the bishop that callings for all auxiliaries (with the exception of Young Men) are to be recommended by the auxiliary president and approved by the bishopric.  That’s in the handbook.  At the very least the bishop should not make callings in Relief Society without consulting you, and he should let you recommend candidates for callings from those the bishopric says are available.  

You also need to realize that the bishop cannot do an effective job of leading the ward without input from you.  Do your best to keep him informed on what’s going on with the sisters and families in the ward.  If he learns to depend on you, he will be a better communicator. Also, ask questions.  A very effective tool for communicating is email. Give the bishop regular updates by email and if you are not getting the information you need, keep reminding him until the communication improves.

A Bishop in California    

Thanks, California, for reminding us to look in the handbook when situations such as this arise.  The handbook is an essential guideline that is often overlooked.  And email is another valuable tool to facilitate a bishop’s communication with his ward leaders.

I, too, am serving as RS president under a bishop who doesn't communicate very well.  He is also slow in moving to action, whether it is to call or release someone, or to give direction on how he wants me to proceed on assignments.  Luckily, I really love this man and respect him a great deal, or I would be completely pulling my hair out! 

After months of frustration we finally invited him to one of our presidency meetings, where each member of the presidency expressed her love and support of him.  Then we told him that we felt as if we were not able to take some of the burden off of him, as we would like, because of the lack of communication.  We expressed that we did not feel supported and asked him what we should do about that.  In those loving circumstances he recognized the problem and promised to work with us on it.  It has gotten somewhat better, but not as much as I would like. 

I did discover that the best way for us to act on most things was to prayerfully make our plans, send them to him by email, and say, "We will do such and such at this time, unless we hear differently from you."  If he doesn't get around to communicating with us we go ahead with our plans.  He always thanks us afterwards and says he is pleased with what we did. 

Recently, we had a situation where the bishop was unable to give direction about something very important and it was left to me to act on my own.  My understanding that I was not on my own, but under the direction of the Savior, made it possible to accomplish the task.  This experience helped the bishop to see that he could trust others to follow through and that he did not have to do everything himself.  My advice would be to set an appointment with your bishop, lovingly explain your frustrations, and ask for his help in solving the problem (which is him).  Do this with lots of prayer, remembering that he is just learning his calling, too.

Alaskan Amber

Thanks, Amber, for a compassionate take on the situation.  Bishops have more to do than they have time to do it, and any time the Relief Society presidency can take some of the pressure off him, the effort will be greatly appreciated.  One way to do it is the way you came up with — inform him of your plans, giving him the veto power.  It seems to work great in your ward.

I read your email with somewhat of a smile on my face as I have felt your pain.  Trust me in knowing that this is not an uncommon problem.  I have served as Relief Society president under six bishops and know exactly what you are saying. 
 
However, the majority of them did not leave me hanging like this, so I will tell you what helped.  One bishop actually invited me to attend PEC — not because I needed to be there, but because I knew what was going on in the ward and they needed and wanted my input.  I'm not sure that is necessary, but it was one solution.  He kept me up to date on anything else either by phone or stepping aside in the hallway at church.  We had a regular monthly interview.  It was a great help in my calling and I was able to help the high priests and elders a great deal in theirs.  
 
Another bishop made it clear that I had the “hotline” to his phone any time of the day or night if needed.  I did not ever abuse this with trivia, but it was a relief to know I had access to him if needed.  Through the executive secretary, I was scheduled with a monthly interview to discuss the sisters and their needs, anything I could do to help him in his calling, and to see how I was coping with the responsibility of my calling.  I can't tell you what a blessing this was! 
 
My fourth bishop was the same — a very good man that recognized that I had inspiration and knowledge about the homes in the ward that he didn't have access to, and who counseled with me often in his desire to help families. We had an excellent system to deal with welfare and were able to help many people with little if any delay.   

My sixth bishop was again amazing.  He communicated well with email (non-confidential matters), was always willing to answer questions or problems on the phone, and his family appreciated what I did because it made the bishop's calling easier.  Again, I had a scheduled monthly interview. As before, this was a directive to the executive secretary.  I didn't ever have to beg for a minute of his time.  No matter what was going on I could hang on to many matters knowing that I had a half hour of his time and undivided attention to settle some issues that weren't emergencies. 

We handled welfare matters quickly and confidentially.  He did his best to present callings to his bishopric and make the appropriate callings as soon as possible.  Quite often (not always) the executive secretary would pass along any important info that I'd missed in PEC.   We in ward council got along great and did much to help each other.  It was immensely helpful.
 
In the end my only advice is to see if you can have a “set in stone” time slot with the bishop at the very least monthly.  If the executive secretary does this, it is on the calendar and you know when it is, so there will be no begging involved.  It is very liberating to know you have this time even if it is a month away.  In truth, it is a wise bishop who will keep in touch with the Relief Society president.  She can do much help him with his calling and lighten his load.
 
I hope some of this has helped.
 
A Former RS President

Thanks for showing us, Former, that bishops are just like the rest of us — all of them are different.  That “set in stone” time slot sounds like a great idea.  Thanks for bringing it up.

I think communication in relationships is always tricky — especially when it is between men and women, because we approach communication so differently. That said, I have found it helpful to approach my priesthood from the standpoint of service: "What can I do in my calling to make your burdens lighter?" 

When I was called as Relief Society president, I was too overwhelmed to even know what questions to ask or what to discuss.  After some days of prayer and reflection, I set up an interview time with the bishop through the executive secretary. In that interview I told him that I wanted the Relief Society organization to completely support him in the vision he had for the ward, so I wanted to know what that vision was, what his major concerns were, and how he envisioned the Relief Society supporting him. 

During that interview time I asked him how he would like to communicate with me (for instance, what concerns warranted an immediate phone call, if he wanted to use email for some items, how detailed messages should be on his answering machine, should I use his cell phone number, and so on).  I also told him that, after reading the handbook, I understood that I was to meet with him regularly.  I asked him how often he would like to meet and if he wanted me to schedule that interview with his executive secretary or if he wanted to set a regular time like the 4th Sunday at 2 p.m.    

The first month I called him before the first Sunday lesson and asked him what concerns he had that he'd like me to address in the lesson.  After the lesson, I gave him feedback about my impressions via email. When I met with him monthly [that was what he decided], I always asked about first Sunday lesson topics.  Sometimes he had a specific request, but often he did not.  I also got in the habit of asking him a quick question on Sunday morning before Relief Society started: "Is there anything that you need me to announce to the sisters in Relief Society?" or, "Is there any thing you need the Relief Society to do?" 

That said, your bishop might not be a detail-oriented person, and those questions might frustrate him.  If you think this approach does frustrate him, then see if one of the quorum leaders is open to this type of question.  After all, they are the home teachers in the homes of your sisters, and they might want to request your assistance in resolving concerns. 

Karen in Downey, California

Karen, you sound like a dream Relief Society president.  There are few bishops anywhere (indeed, there are few overworked people anywhere!) who would not respond favorably to a sincere offer of help — on his own terms, no less.  Well done!

Have your whole ward council read an amazing book by M. Russell Ballard titled, Counseling with our Councils. This may give you all some insights of how you can better use one another in your callings.

ML in LV

Thanks for the recommendation, ML.  It’s always great to be able to turn to a good book for ideas — and I’m sure most of us had no idea a book existed on the subject.

I know that some time is frustrating when someone or something gets in the way of what we have in mind to fulfill our callings, but I would like to say a couple of things to help you feel more relaxed. We are auxiliaries, helping the bishop in his duty to serve the ward. The bishop has the responsibility and the burden to carry all the problems of the ward. We have bishops who are more open to share that burden and rely on the auxiliary presidents to help him oversee the needs of the members, but we also have bishops who keep those problems inside the priesthood circle. No wonder he is so busy all the time!

Maybe he is even trying to protect you from heartache.  (You know that most of the time being "in the loop" can be such a sad place.)

Since you are asking for advice, let me give you a couple:

1. Ask the former RS President for any problem you really need to be aware of.
2. Also, focus on serving your sisters and learn of their need through a good Visiting Teachers program.

You only can do what you know is needed to be done. Ask your bishop for a reliable email address where you can contact him confidentially. Send him written reports stating, for example: "Sister So-and-so is sick, needs dinners, can you approve us sending dinner for a week?" or "Do you know that the So-and-so Family is moving?" You will save your bishop from another meeting, you will support your bishop without neglecting any aspect of your calling, and you will build a relationship of trust with him for the time he will need your help.

I hope these tips are helpful to you. RS President is such an important calling; there is so much good you can do not just for your sisters, but also for the whole community. Enjoy your calling.

Carmiña West

Thanks for your encouraging words, Carmiña.  It may well be true that Out of the Loop’s bishop is trying to shelter her from painful things.  Sometimes knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Read on for a voice of experience:

I have been at this church leadership thing for about 40 years.  If you look back 40 years, that was the time that priesthood correlation was put into place by President Harold B. Lee.  It works really well!  So this sister’s first stop is her stake RS president, who will listen and advise and also take any concerns to the stake president — who will either teach  better communication between bishops and RS presidents in a bishops training meeting or/and counsel with this particular bishop during his regular PPI.  It takes the burden off the Ward RS president and the feeling of being “nagged” (I hate to use that word) off the bishop.  

Is the ward not holding welfare meeting?  This is where she should be connecting with the bishop about the ward members.  

Maybe prayer for inspiration should be the first stop before the stake RS president to check the leadership style thing.  Certainly before your meeting with the stake RS president and during the time this moves through channels and after it is resolved, prayer is necessary for inspiration for the sisters in the ward.

And the last thing is improving visiting teaching and reporting.  Most times the ward RS president knows more of what is happening in the ward because of the visiting teachers than the priesthood does.  Reporting is a key element here as it engenders responsibility in the visiting teachers to ask if there are needs to be met.  It helps them be sensitive to the Spirit in the home.  They need to know to report concerns to the RS president.   Then make sure you communicate with the bishop.

Following the handbook/priesthood pattern for resolving problems is not always quickest way, but it is always the best way because it is the Lord’s way.

Kate of Many States (Utah right now)

Thanks for your suggestions, Kate.  Has it really be 40 years since President Harold B. Lee?  Gee, I feel old!

What a conundrum! As a RS president, I worked under two bishops. The first did not meet with me regularly but on a need basis. He also called me often with assignments and information. The second had a standing meeting with me every Sunday after church at 4:45. Both worked out well.

I have found that the church's position on confidentiality really can hinder the work. The ward welfare counsel cannot help people if they don't know what is going on. We do need to keep confidentiality but also need to be in the habit as bishops and leaders to say the words, "In order for me to help you I need to let the RS president/ welfare council/fill-in-the-blank know of your situation. Do I have your permission to do that?"

I would go through the executive secretary and schedule a meeting with the bishop every week or so. Go prepared with a few important items that keep him up to date on the sisters and activities in Relief Society. Then ask him how you can be of service to him in carrying out the work in your ward. If he doesn't have any particular requests you can suggest frequent communication and see how he responds.

It is also helpful to find out how he likes to communicate. Does he prefer email or phone calls? Face to face meetings? You could also ask his wife if she has any ideas about the best times/ways to reach him so that you can be a help and support.

Often times, members assume that you know everything that is going on. Often I was the last to know. I guess they think someone else would have told me or that I know by magic! I encouraged members of my RS board and visiting teachers to "return and report" so that I would know what the needs are. Lastly, your Heavenly Father knows your bishop well and can let you know how to work this out. Good luck!

Jeannie in Missouri

Thanks for your counsel, Jeannie.  You make a good point about confidentiality.  When people confide their deepest secrets, they generally don’t want those secrets being bandied around.  That sometimes makes it hard to get the job done.

I like what you said about being organized when you meet with the bishop.  If you have a list of topics already written out, it will not only expedite the meeting, but it will also make sure things (or people!) don’t fall through the cracks.  A bishop’s time is valuable. If you get some of that time, you need to make the best of it.
 
In response to the RS president seeking to fulfill her stewardship, as a stake RS president I would advise her to simply make a standing appointment with the bishop through his executive secretary.  If she goes through proper channels to have one appointment every month she will no longer be trying to catch him at inopportune times.  She could try just before or just after the PEC meetings where things of importance are discussed.  As he sees your sincere and helpful efforts, hopefully he will come to see that Relief Society is given by the Lord to be a blessing for the women in his ward and will use you more efficiently. 

One other thought, please request that one sacrament meeting a year be given to Relief Society to teach and inspire the ward to the roles and stewardship of RS.  I would suggest sometime in March (the RS birthday month).  We all need to remember that the restoration of the Church was not complete until the Relief Society was organized.  Thank you! 

President AE
St. George, Utah

The idea of an annual sacrament meeting program where Relief Society presidency members speak is a good one, President.  Thanks for suggesting it!

Here’s a solution that wouldn’t have been possible a decade ago:

I am a Relief Society president and our bishop is super busy (a surgeon), and we have a good system for keeping in touch that is about as non-intrusive as we can think of.  I text him!  If it's
important to be contacted right away, he'll call as soon as he has a break.  If it's not as important, he can contact when it's convenient.  But it's been effective for real emergencies and he can
reach me the same way. 

I don't abuse it and don't ever give out his number.  If a ward member needs to reach him, I text the bishop and he can reply to me or to the person directly.  I, of course, go to the two meetings a month with the bishopric.  I understand his need to preserve some control over his time.  But I'm not afraid to say something if I feel there is not enough communication on something.  If there is a serious problem and you can't get the support you need, you do have the right to make an appointment with your bishop (like anyone in the ward does) and be honest and straightforward about it.  Most bishops do not want to have to completely reorganize the Relief Society, so you have that leverage, so to speak. 

Being strong does not mean you're not being respectful.  But in my opinion it is not wrong to insist on the support you need.  Unresolved feelings can be more detrimental to you both than confronting it honestly and getting things out in the open.  The Spirit can not work in leaders when there is serious contention.  I approach problems with much prayer beforehand.  One of the biggest challenges of any calling in the Church is the relationships — we're thrown into situations with people that on another occasion we may not seek out!  But I think that's one of the big points of service in the Church is to overcome differences and learn to work with different personalities and really striving to love the people you serve with and serve.  I think it's a choice you made every day as each new situation arises. 

I remind myself every day that the work of the Church is the Lord's work and He has a huge, personally invested interest in it succeeding.  In this calling, I need Him every minute, not just every hour!

A RS President in Wyoming

That was a good letter, Wyoming.  You almost convinced me to get a cell phone and learn how to text, but I am fortunately not in a leadership position so I was able to resist the temptation. 

As for learning to work with various people through church service, I’m convinced that is one of the inspired things about having to go to church within ward boundaries.  Latter-day Saints do not have the opportunity to shop around for wards where the leaders are more dynamic or the members more congenial.  We have to work with what we have, and that’s a great blessing because it teaches us a whole lot of lessons we would otherwise escape having to learn.

I remember when I was in a small branch, I was the visiting teaching coordinator and RS secretary. The branch president asked me to attend correlation meeting. I did. He said he wanted me there because a lot of things discussed there affected RS, and might be of help to the VT program. Besides, often times the RS president couldn’t make it due to her job schedule, and her counselors were in the same boat. I learned a lot in those meetings. Then after the meeting (where pretty much all of the branch leadership were invited to attend), they had PEC in the branch president’s office. If anything was discussed there that wasn’t discussed in correlation meeting, he called or visited with the RS president individually.

I’m not sure if your bishop has correlation meetings or not, but that seemed to help a lot in my old branch. And it helped that they were both on the same day, right after one another.
If you aren’t invited to PEC, perhaps you could show up after PEC and ask the bishop if there is anything you need to know. If he forgets to tell you about it because several days go by between PEC and the next time he sees you, it may help calm the waters if you either show up and wait for PEC to end, or call him once you know PEC is over, but the same day so it’s fresh on his mind.

Tonya in Texas

Good idea, Tonya, to approach the bishop when issues are fresh on his mind.  Thanks for the suggestion!

I was the Relief Society secretary for a time and was responsible for the music as well as the weekly bulletin.  Therefore I needed to know in advance what the topic for the lesson was —especially the first Sunday leadership lesson that he assigned and the last Sunday lesson he assigns from the most recent conference issue of the Ensign. The Relief Society president wasn't very good at getting this in advance even though she attended the monthly auxiliary meetings.

Since the bishop is a family friend (and should be to everyone), I persisted in communicating to him the importance of this information at every opportunity. He finally gave me a list for the next six months, which I shared with the priesthood leaders. Sometimes the bishop is so busy that he just needs a nudge rather often to help him along.

Toni from Kentucky

I like what you said, Toni, about the bishop being a good friend to everyone.  This is a good reminder that we should make an effort to see that our communications are not adversarial.  We are all trying to serve the Lord, and none of us are being paid for our efforts with anything other than heavenly currency.  It’s up to each of us to make the jobs of those around us just a little bit easier.

Here’s our last letter for this topic:

I would try one more time to talk with the bishop.  Tell him you feel that because you don't seem to get the information you may need, you feel that you are not able to do your calling as well as possible.  Ask him if he knows of a solution for this.  Don't make him feel you blame him but, let him know that you are seeking his guidance.  Sometime this will help, but be prepared for it not to help also. 

The Lord will know when you are doing the best with your calling and under what circumstances you are in.  Pray daily for the guidance you want and need.  Pray — specifically — for what you needs.  The Lord will prompt you in what to say or do.

Rely on your visiting teachers, and visit with the sisters in your ward.  They will love to know you care.

We are all forgetful and maybe the bishop has the same problem you admit to yourself.  Love, forgive and get on with life! 

Linda in Payette

Linda, you said it well — love, forgive, and get on with life!

I hope those of you readers who wrote in on this topic and who did not see your letters in print will love and forgive me, but we have to start a new topic next week.  Thanks so much for reading, and for caring.  This column would never work without all of you.

Until next time — Kathy