After doing this column for several years, the one thing I have learned is I’m clueless when it comes to predicting what topics are going to pique the interest of Meridian readers.  Whenever I try something that I think will resonate with a lot of us (secrets of a happy marriage, for example), the email box lies empty.  But when I start a topic that I’m sure will generate no response whatsoever, the floodgates open.

This week I’m flooded with emails and am rowing for my life, in response to a “little” question a Relief Society president asked about how to have better communications with her bishop.  Before the column had been posted for six hours, there were 61 letters in my email box on the subject.  NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU MAY WANT TO WRITE AFTER READING TODAY’S COLUMN, PLEASE DON’T!  I already have more letters than I can run on this subject, and I don’t want you wasting your time.  Save your energy for upcoming topics!

Our first letter today comes from a gentleman in Melbourne, Australia.  Here’s what he has to say:

From a man's perspective, perhaps the first thing I would do is to step back and try to understand the situation and the individuals involved. Why is the bishop too busy or too forgetful? Are there major issues in the ward he is having to deal with that make him less focused on using you as Relief Society president? Are there families with severe needs, youth with major problems, or is he just extremely busy in his own work and family life?

Every church leader, whether in the priesthood or in an auxiliary, is very much a human being with faults and flaws trying his best to deal with circumstances that may at times seem overwhelming. Perhaps the bishop feels that you are so competent in your calling that he need not call upon you because you would be "right onto it" anyway. Perhaps he sees issues in your family and he doesn't want to overburden you. The opportunities to speculate are endless.

If your ward holds regular welfare meetings, then you can at least raise concerns you have about certain families and listen to the information in that meeting and the concerns of others and act appropriately. I trust you have supportive and "plugged-in" counselors who will bring you any information that comes to their attention about needs or problems within the ward where RS can help. Don't be afraid to develop relationships within the ward that can offer you insights into the needs of the sisters (Primary and YW Presidents, priesthood quorum leaders, and so on). A good Relief Society president is ever watchful over the ward, in much the same way as the bishop, taking note of who is or is not there this week, whether families experiencing difficulties appear to be "up" or "down" on Sunday. Make sure visiting teaching is as effective as possible. Develop an effective network within the ward.

If you feel that there are personal issues between you and the bishop, then those should be addressed in an appropriate way. Was there a previous RS president under the current bishop? How did she deal with him? What is your relationship with the stake RS president? Can she help or advise?

After prayer, and if you don't see improvements, approach the bishop in an "I am concerned about" kind of way. A Relief Society president can and should be the eyes and ears of the bishop to the women of the ward. I have been blessed to be in many wards where outstanding RS presidents worked tirelessly bringing comfort and relief to the sisters and families of the ward (including our own at times), generally unacknowledged and quietly, and the ward could not have worked effectively without them. Good luck in fulfilling your vital calling.

Glenn Gordon
Melbourne, Australia

That was a great letter, Glenn.  I’d never thought how many reasons there could be why a bishop wouldn’t be communicating with a ward leader, but you gave us a whole laundry list of valid ones — and I’m betting I’ll read a lot more before I’m finished with today’s mailbag.  Thanks for writing.

I am RS president in my ward for the fourth time and have served for a total of 16 years under five different bishops.  All of those I have served under have very different ways of ministering in their callings. I have had one whose style is similar to yours and one who called me regularly, and we were like a team in handling a lot of family needs. I have long thought that a RS president should be invited into PEC each week, but that is not the program. However, my sister had a bishop who had her do that!

Here are some ideas:

Each of these meetings should help you be more in the loop and find out the needs and how you can be part of the team.  I am a huge advocate of visiting the families in my ward and make many family visits to see of their welfare and offer support and then pass those things on to the bishop and other priesthood leaders in the ward.

Good luck. I know that you can make your influence felt for good and open communication up!

Linda in SC

Thanks, Linda, for pointing out that the monthly PPI with the bishop is called for in the handbook.  Just having that meeting might make a big difference in Out of the Loop’s calling.

Here’s a former bishop who has a simple solution that could be a big help:

Each meeting should have an agenda and the ward clerk should be taking notes.  After each meeting the clerk should provide everyone with a copy of the notes or action items.  I’ve done this as a bishop.  Our current bishop has his clerk do this and afterwards via email we all receive an email of the actions items and important notes of the meeting. 

I currently serve as a high councilor.  We conduct our meetings with the stake presidency, and the clerk takes notes.  We each receive emails regarding the action items after the meeting and for that matter conduct many important business callings and matters via email.  This is a very effective use of time and provides everyone with the information they need on a timely basis without excessive meetings or them taking too long.  In this way those not in the meeting are informed as to the business conducted that affects them, since these emails are sent to all who have a need to know.

Past Bishop and Current HC

You’re right, Past Bishop.  Minutes make a big difference.  If ward leaders aren’t getting copies of meeting minutes that they can refer to, this one step could make a big difference in the administration of their callings.

My advice to the RS president would be to strengthen her own network system in the Relief Society.  When I was president some years ago, I was the one reporting things to the bishop because the sisters would report to me personally or through visiting teaching what was going on in the ward.  My bishop was many times amazed that we had information before he did.  The other thing is to let her bishop know during their stewardship interview each month how much she loves her calling and wants to help him as much as possible.  This can only be done through good communication on what's going on in the ward.  Bearing her testimony to him is also a good way to open that door. 

Carma

You make an excellent point, Carma.  Women have such an efficient network of information that it would seem a Relief Society would be more likely to give information to the bishop than the other way around.  Thanks for the reminder!

I also appreciate your suggestion that Out of the Loop let the bishop know every time she meets with him how much she is grateful for her opportunity to serve.  If she can add to that her sincere appreciation for what the bishop is doing for the ward, I believe her meetings will be even more meaningful.

Sandee from Florida expands on that idea:

I remember someone giving me the advice when I was Relief Society president years ago that an overburdened bishop (and they all are) needs to see you as a person who relieves his burden instead of someone that adds to it. As you can imagine, someone constantly asking to be updated and kept informed can feel like a drain to a bishop. Of course that is not your intention, and you really do need to know what's going on to give the service you have been called to give.  

I would suggest four things:

1. Tell the bishop that you realize how busy and burdened he is in his calling. Explain that you have a great desire to help relieve his burden by serving the sisters and helping lead them to solutions in their lives. Ask if it might work for him if he designates one of his counselors to take notes concerning any problems with sisters, youth or families that you might be able to help with. Ask if he would rather you interface directly with a counselor rather than him. The handbook probably designates you deal directly with the bishop, but you need to find something that works in helping you to serve the sisters.
2. Help the bishop see you as a resource rather than a drain by reporting your successes. As you are able to enlist the sisters in serving and loving one another share those successes with him. Give him details of the tiny miracles you will witness and inspire as president. As he sees how you are able to lead the sisters to bless each other, he will begin to trust you to help with the problems he has not yet shared with you. This kind of trust takes time to build.
3. Rather than always go to the bishop with problems, instead go to him with concerns and solutions. In some cases you can share problems with the follow-up that you have found a solution, applied it and the problem is resolved. Wow — that’s a way to warm a bishop's heart! In other cases you will have to share a problem (you will soon be aware of many things he is not aware of) while offering a variety of solutions that you can help with and others that you may need priesthood assistance with. Be meek in accepting his direction, but always offer ideas to help and solve problems instead of just dumping a long list of new problems on his lap. 
4. Pray for an improved relationship with your bishop. Though it may not seem so, he really wants and needs your help and involvement. I remember when I served as Relief Society president I experienced a change in bishop. The new bishop was just different, and I had trouble finding how to relate well with him. That continued until he phoned my best friend (who was the wife of a good friend of his) in another state to ask her how to best work with me. That's all it took — knowing that he cared about me and wanted to have a good working relationship was all I needed to know. I doubled my efforts and we learned to work miracles together. I know that your bishop desires the same thing; sometimes it just takes some time to learn to work together!

Sandee
Longwood, Florida

Sandee, I really like what you wrote about the necessity of having the bishop perceive you as a solution rather than a problem.  We are so accustomed to looking through the lenses of our own eyes that we seldom stop to think how our well-meaning intentions are interpreted by others.  This is advice that doesn’t just apply to Relief Society presidents; it applies to all of us.  Thanks!

Here is yet another perspective.  It always amazes me to read the diversity of ideas that Meridian readers have:

Besides being bishop, our bishop is a teacher and girls’ basketball coach.  We often communicate through 3X5 cards.  I slide one under his door (at church) with a question or giving him information.  Then, through a phone call or on Sunday, he will communicate what I need to know.  The 3X5 card works because he can carry it in his pocket — and so far none have made it to the laundry.

Sister Greenstreet
Dover, Delaware

Whoever guessed an index card could be so helpful, Sister Greenstreet?  Thanks for a very easy solution to a communication problem.

Here is a letter with a similar solution:

One of the best ideas I was given by another RS president when I became a president was that I should write all my questions on a sheet of paper (make a copy for your ownself). Then hand it to the bishop just before sacrament meeting (if this is first meeting) begins and ask him to return it right after. Usually he can jot down a quick answer to most questions. If not, he can write, "See me after meeting," and that should take care of many of your concerns.

Elaine

That’s an excellent suggestion, Elaine.  And while the bishop is looking out over the congregation, he may be inspired to add information that the Relief Society president hasn’t even thought about.  Sounds like a good idea to me.

A few years back, President Faust suggested that we have a saying in the Church about water (information) that doesn't make it all the way to the end of the furrows.  Then, he suggested that rather than complain about the water not making it to us, we can just let it rain.  He is indicating here that we can get what we need directly from Heaven.  Now this dear sister might protest thinking it unlikely that God will reveal so many such things to her.  She's probably right.  But He will reveal what is important.

This is the Lord's work, not ours.  He is entirely able to do His own work.  Lighten up a little and quit perfectionistically trying to cross every T and dot every I.  That is trusting in the arm of the flesh and implies that we think our success is all up to us, leaving nothing to God.  God may very well do His most effective work with His children when we, mere mortals, fail.

Myke

That’s a great point, Myke.  It never occurred to me how many sources of information there are to a Relief Society president until I read today’s letters, but the list wouldn’t have been complete without your letter.

Here’s a letter from a bishop who gives his ideas on how Out of the Loop can make things work:

The communication between a bishop and his Relief Society president is one of the most important links to a smooth functioning ward.  The problem is, too many bishops don’t realize how an effective Relief Society president can offload some of his burden.  Teaching that lesson will be an essential part of converting the bishop.  After all, part of the challenge is to demonstrate to the bishop how valuable you can be in his efforts to run the ward.  Here are a few thoughts:       

• Suggest that the bishop set up email distribution lists that contain the members of the PEC and the Relief Society president (not the full welfare committee).  Suggest that whatever goes to the PEC is also important to the RS because it deals with the same families.  There may be exceptions, but they will be far less frequent than when both Priesthood and Relief Society need to know.  Having a distribution list means one email covers everyone.
• Use email to communicate with the bishop.  I average several emails a week from my Relief Society president.  She keeps me informed of the sick and the needy, as well as the successes and triumphs taking place in the ward.
• Have the executive secretary schedule a monthly meeting with the bishop, on an ongoing basis.  Come to that meeting prepared to discuss what is happening in RS; who is doing what; and anything else that enhances the bishop’s knowledge of his ward.  Then, seek his council on matter of concern to you.
• Use email to the bishopric and PEC (and occasionally to YM/YW) to advise of people who need employment or who may have job openings.  Also, where service can be rendered (moving in/out; yard work or other service opportunities).

Sometimes the objective you want to accomplish is much like the poem I learned years ago about a marriage relationship.  I forget the author, but the poem went something like this:

He drew a circle that left me out.
A heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win.
We drew a circle that took him in.

Bishop Clifton (Clif) J. Warner

Thanks for reminding us, Bishop Warner, that the bottom line in succeeding in any church calling (and, indeed, in life itself) is love.  And a little email doesn’t hurt, either!

Here’s a letter from another bishop:

When I was serving as a bishop, I quickly learned that my elders quorum president and Relief Society president were frequently my go-to people. It was critical to keep them both informed. Therefore, I always invited the Relief Society president to all PEC meetings. She was invited and expected to attend PEC, Welfare and Ward Council meetings for the valuable insight and help that she could offer and to keep her informed.  I don't think you will find a conflict with that idea in any handbook.

In addition, monthly one-on-one PPIs with her brought to light any needs she had. We were a team and needed each other's input and support.

This worked for me for the years I served with three presidents.

Bishop in Colorado

Thanks for your perspective, Bishop.  Several of our readers (Ardell Gillingwater and Renea in Bellingham Washington, among others) suggested having the RS president attend PEC, but I’m glad to know there’s nothing contrary to that in the handbook. It sounds like a good idea.

Here’s a letter that advises a shift in perspective from Out of the Loop:

As a past RS president (and trying to remember how it worked then), I am thinking it was my duty to notify the bishop of problems and if the bishop felt I needed to know something he would pass it to me.  I think if the RS president focuses more on obtaining information through other ways (like her visiting teachers) then she will be getting the information she needs.  Usually the women are more likely to discuss their financial, emotional and family concerns with their visiting teacher rather than the man discussing the same with the home teacher.

I hope she is keeping a log of interactions with anyone that reports concerns that would include date, time and person spoken to.  This would give her more specific documentation when she may need it to logically explain her need for more information from the bishop.  We have to remember we are working in a volunteer organization that isn’t perfect and we come to the calling to learn certain things to help us in our life’s journey.  Good luck      

Kaye from Mesa, Arizona

Kay, your observation that Out of the Loop change her focus to giving the bishop information rather than receiving it from him has a lot of merit.  Women are a lot more likely to confide their problems to others than men are, and Out’s bishop may well be feeling that he is the one out of the loop, because his Relief Society president isn’t giving him the information he needs.  What an interesting way to look at the situation!

Our last letter today comes from someone who has been in so many Relief Society presidencies that you could almost say that Relief Society has been her career.  Here’s what G has to say:

There definitely is a communication problem between the RS president and the bishop.  With some 50 or so years experience serving in the Church, serving as RS president at the ward level on two different occasions, as a counselor in at least five different ward presidencies, and as the education counselor at the stake level, it has been my experience that every bishop is unique and has his way of fulfilling his calling.  Some bishops lean on the RS president, benefiting from her expertise and knowledge of the ward atmosphere.  Some include her in most of the considerations for the sisters in the ward and some prefer to fly solo, but if the correct procedures are followed, the RS president should be well informed as to her responsibilities as well as to the needs of her sisters.  

I would approach the situation in a fasting and praying mode.  This will help her to "gird up her loins" and give her the confidence to proceed.  She should study any information available concerning her stewardship, check with her stake leader, and arm herself with all the information concerning the correct manner in which this problem can be solved.  Glean further information by checking www.lds.org and clicking on “Serving in the Church.”

Only after doing all this should she approach and counsel with her bishop.  He may not even be aware of the problem, and things may be running in manner in which he is completely comfortable.  She should not make accusations or suggest that he is the problem.  Instead tell him how she feels about the situation.  (Suggested conversation openings are, "I feel we are not communicating as efficiently as we could," or "Perhaps I am missing something," or "I feel I'm not carrying my full share of the responsibilities.")

This problem can be most frustrating, but more important than her frustrations are the needs of the sisters she serves.  Every calling in the Church is issued for some reason. The reason for her calling just may be to iron out this problem.   The bishop may not even be aware that Heavenly Father may have called this sister to help him "Get it right."   Or there could be another side to the story.  The bishop may be concerned about loading the RS president down with too much work. 

What ever the cause may be, the solution to this problem is communication.

If she feels none of these suggestions solve the problem to the RS president's satisfaction, she needs to relax, and just do all she can to serve and fulfill her calling well.  She is working under the bishop’s stewardship and direction.  Although it is not up to her to decide, should his leadership be faulty in any way the responsibility rests on his shoulders.  Just continue to prayerfully and diligently serve to the best of her ability.  Heavenly Father asks for nothing more.   
G

Thanks for suggesting, G, that Out of the Loop make this a matter of fasting and prayer.  As your experience has shown you, every bishop is different, and what Out of the Loop perceives to be a problem may not be a problem to the bishop at all.  Maybe we should take the advice of the teenagers in our midst and just chill — at least, after we’re convinced we have done “all we can do” (2 Nephi 25:23).

Okay, readers.  That’s it for this week.  Remember — as much as I’m grateful for everyone’s input, please DO NOT send any more letters on this subject.  I have enough letters already to last until Christmas!

Until next week — Kathy

Q:  Where do Mormon sisters go when they are released from their callings?
A:  To the Release Society!

Jim and Janet Cook,
who found it at The Mormon Zone