I waited in vain for the people whose letters were lost last week to resend them, but we got enough new ones for one more week on the topic of keeping the sparkle in marriage.  And speaking of sparkle, our first letter lays it all right out on the line:

Since no one else will say it, I will.  The best way to keep the zip in your marriage is to have sex with your spouse — often.  There are two great books out there that address this very subject.  The first is by LDS author Laura Brotherson, titled, And They Were Not Ashamed, and the second is, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger.  It's satisfying to have many interests in common and to do many things together, but what most men want and crave is a woman who loves them and shares with them celestial intimacy — and that means sexual intimacy.  If you give him as a gift from you to him sexual intimacy, you will have more ZIP than you will know what to do with.  Believe me, I know; and we are just about ready to celebrate our 27th year anniversary.

My husband is adorable and cracked up when I told him I was going to write to you; but please keep us anonymous!  I always tell him that the best talent he has in this whole world is saved just for me.  Life is very good!

Sleepless in Seattle

Thanks for sharing an important point, Sleepless.  People crave human touch, and most men think of sexual intimacy as the best touch of all.  Lauras Brotherson and Schlessinger would be proud.   

My grandparents set the best example to me for what I wanted my own marriage to be like after the kids were grown. Every day Grandpa kissed Grandma in front of us grandkids and told her he loved her. And they didn't have a stick of furniture that matched another in the whole house (it made the Salvation Army Thrift Store look like a showroom), but they made it to Hawaii once, and went on multiple other trips in the states in his well-used camper. Everyone loved to visit them, and all the family reunions were at their home. I want my children to have the same kind of memories of their dad and me. They need to see that marriage can be enduring despite the awful divorce rate and sadness they see around them. So kick up those heels and have fun, because a great marriage gives hope to the next generation! 

Happy Empty Nester

Your grandparents were so smart to set a good example to the people around them, Happy.  Demonstrations of love between husbands and wives set an example that can carry on for generations.  Thanks for being wise enough to follow their example — and to spread the news to others.

Read on for a view of why some couples don’t communicate:

"Several readers hinted that once their children had left the nest, they had nothing to talk about with their spousal units."

It isn't just empty-nesters that may discover they have this problem.  Couples who don't have children may develop this problem too, but earlier in the marriage.   At the beginning of a marriage a lot of talk centers upon getting to know the spouse better through storytelling and so on.  But after a while, the stories have been told and that storytelling decreases.  Often, children come fairly quickly to the marriage and then children become a major topic of conversation. 

There are other topics of conversation that may remain in the background — work, hobbies, news stories, church items, even gospel topics — when you have children.  These topics can be brought forward more. 

I've found that in order to talk, I have to have something to talk about. My husband and I tend to spend a fair amount of time on the internet, so I try to ask him if he's read anything interesting.  I also try to share things with him that I think would be of interest to him.

Hope this helps.  I think we struggle with this issue too.

Chandler, Arizona

Thanks for your thoughts, Chandler.  Sometimes silence between a husband and a wife can be companionable.  Other times, it can be cold and empty.  If that silence is uncomfortable, finding things to talk about is vital.  Talking about shared interests is one way to do it.

My husband is not a member, and when our children left we really had nothing to talk about.  The last child left after we had retired, so my husband sat in his office all day — and I in my office or the kitchen.  And we rarely went out.

Since he liked to play Skipbo and Scrabble, we started playing the card game every evening (for our alertness!) and Scrabble on Saturday afternoons.  At the end of the month the Skipbo loser takes the winner out to lunch and after two months for Scrabble.  Often we try a new restaurant or somewhere we've never been — which gives us something to talk about.

Game Player

Games are a great way to spend time together, Game Player.  We have Ticket to Ride in all its incarnations, and Clark has a spreadsheet that chronicles every game we have played.  He likes to remind me that he’s more than 5,000 points ahead of me in the cumulative total, but I don’t care who wins and the games are fun for me.  (We’re learning geography, too — even though we can’t pronounce most of the places in the Nordic or Swiss versions.)

If you’d like to do something that’s a little more productive than game-playing, here’s an idea:

One of the best ways we have found to keep the flame alive is to spend time each week talking about a new goal we would like to achieve together in the future and devise plans to make it happen.  We are spending time designing a retirement house, floor plans and all.

Dennis

Thanks for the suggestion, Dennis.  Dreaming up goals (and even implementing them!) is a great way for couples to spend time together.  Whether you’re writing a book, planning a cruise, or even putting together a menu for an upcoming dinner you’ll cook together, projects that are launched together are more fun than projects that are dreamed up by one partner, who then has to drag along the other spouse.

Our last letter on the subject is also from a husband, who expands on Dennis’s idea of communal projects:

I enjoyed your approach to life in an empty nest. As I read the articles I realized that my spouse and I have never experienced the boredom of an empty nest. The reason is projects. In a broad sense, children are each projects.  While they are home life is full of lists, appointments, goals, surprises and laughter.

When our youngest son left on his mission we found our projects just took on a different dimension. We bought a cabin with enough ground to create a dirt experience for our grandchildren. The cabin needed lots of work, and we found ourselves planning and working together in a wonderful, close sort of way. We created a bedroom for each of our children and their families. We wanted to make sure the interior was snow- and dirt-friendly in order for the kids to feel comfortable.

Once the purchase of the cabin was announced to our three kids, we found we were no longer empty nesters — at least, not on the weekends. The cabin has become the gathering place for Thanksgiving, Christmas, general conference, and all occasions where getting a little fresh air is therapeutic.

Once the cabin was completed we realized our home of 30 years was not as functional for two as it had been for our family. Rather than buy a new one, we simply renovated the old one. Once again, this project brought us together.

We have never lacked in conversation or excitement and not unlike when our children were at home we still talk about them and our grandchildren.

When we have time to think about it (which is seldom), the solution is still the same. Choose your projects as a couple. They can be as simple as a dance class or as complicated as renovating your house. If you don’t share the same project, at least share an interest in each other’s projects. Shared interests create an atmosphere wherein conversations can germinate and besides it’s a lot of fun.

Pete Peterson
Centerville, Utah

Okay, readers — there you have it.  Show affection to your spouse, talk to your spouse, and work with your spouse.  Those are three secrets of marriages that get better every day.

Next week we’ll have a shiny new topic.  If you have any suggestions for Meridian topics, don’t hesitate to send them to MeridianMagazine@aol.com.  Put “topic” in the subject line so I’ll be less likely to delete it from the spam box.  I’m looking forward to hearing from you.  

Until next time — Kathy

“A true man does not need to romance a different girl every night; a true man romances the same girl for the rest of her life.”

--Ana Alas