If by some chance you didn't get an idea that would work for you when we wrote about nonmember relatives and temple marriages last week, here is another batch of fresh ideas, hot off the keyboards of Meridian readers.

First off, we have a short note from someone who wants to tell you how not to do it. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one on the planet who regretted in hindsight what she did at her own wedding.

I don't have good ideas, but I have another "don't do as we did."  My husband's mother was the only member of his family that could go to our temple wedding.  At the time, it was common to do a "ring ceremony" at the reception for nonmembers and inactive members.  We had a member of the bishopric give a talk about temple marriage, and then we did a ring ceremony (complete with a lovely back drop, bridesmaids, ushers, and so on).  I've regretted it ever since. 

Nobody was particularly put out with us, but it was meaningless, and felt like a second (but fake) wedding ceremony.  It didn't improve anything with the family who weren't at the wedding.  If I could go back and do it over, I'd skip all the worldly trappings and have a simple open house-type reception in my parents' backyard, with no attendants, no ring ceremony, no tux or expensive dress.  That would have left the emphasis on family, not to mention reduce the stress and the budget.

Deena Campanile
South Jordan, Utah

Deena's letter wasn't the first I received that expressed dissatisfaction with a ring ceremony. This next letter shows how some ring exchanges have clouded the purpose of ring exchanges:

One thing I didn't see in the article was about how the nonmembers can interpret the ring ceremony.

Many of my friends and I are first-generation LDS. Several of my friends have married in the temple and then exchanged their rings at their receptions that were usually held several days to weeks later.

These were simple ceremonies, incorporating many of the suggestions in your article. They were held in the Institute building. Unfortunately, in the case of several families, the families consider the ring exchange to be the "real" wedding date. The families talk about so-and-so who "played the part of the preacher" and “married” the happy couple. They mark the wedding anniversary of their family member as the date of the exchange. Yipes!

To me, my temple ceremony was the most important part of the wedding. It was sacred to me. Why would I even give my family the chance to dishonor my temple marriage?

Giving family or friends the opportunity to have a ring exchange substitute for the actual temple ceremony was not something I was comfortable with. Yes, it sounds nice, may pacify some family members and is politically correct, but I wanted my family to understand that I valued the temple ceremony. My reception was exactly that, a reception of my husband and me as husband and wife, not a substitute "wedding" for those whom were not able (for whatever reasons) to attend.

No, my family was not happy with the fact that I was marrying in the temple (hey, my dad's a minister and anti-Mormon!). I made my choice and then they then had to make a choice of what they would do and how they would react. My parents' reaction was to boycott the wedding and reception. My aunt, grandmother and sisters' reaction was to attend the reception.

My dear aunt even checked Nana out of the nursing home she was in and my uncle (her husband and a respiratory therapist) looked after Nana's oxygen and made sure she was ok. My husband's (also nonmember and unable to attend) family's reaction was to hold an open house for us. Each family member chose what they would do. We chose not to harbor any hard feelings towards those who opted not to attend the open house or reception.

Looking back after 20+ years, the ring exchange idea doesn't seem to have mattered to most of the families I know. Those they didn't consider the ring exchange the actual "marriage" itself, were still not able to see the marriage and weren't happy campers about it. Most got over the fact that they couldn't be there for the marriage. In my case, my family is dysfunctional anyway, so no matter what happened they weren't going to be happy about it and the problems that exist have nothing to do with where I was married. Having said that, it still wasn't easy to explain to parents that they couldn't attend the ceremony. After all, just because the relationship is difficult, doesn't mean I didn't/don't still care about them and their feelings.

I know each of us has to decide for ourselves what we do about nonmember family and our temple marriage. Sometimes in life we have to make hard choices. My family knew ahead of time that if I had the chance to marry, I would marry in the temple. They knew ahead of time the requirements to attend the ceremony. They chose not to do what needed to be done to attend. That was their choice; they used their agency.

My choice, my use of agency, was to be faithful and marry in the temple. To me, either the temple marriage was to be the actual marriage or the ring exchange would become the "real marriage." I wanted it to be the temple ceremony, so our ring exchange took place in the sealing room, away from the altar. Family was still welcome to come to the temple grounds, come to the open house and to the reception.

I have never regretted not having a ring ceremony. In the minds of my family, there was never any question of when and where the actual marriage took place. Even though due to abuse and infidelity, my marriage didn't work out, I don't regret marrying in the temple. I'm still sealed to my kids. Yes, I wish family could have been there, just- as I wish the relationship with them was different. However, I'm thankful for my church family who was there, and who traveled from another state to be with us. I'm also thankful for all those family members who chose to support us in a decision they didn't agree with.

Oh, and we had a chance that day to make the day for a lot of older folks. On the way from the temple to the open house, we stopped by the nursing home where my husband's grandmother was living so I could meet her. It made quite a stir for a woman in a wedding gown to enter the nursing home. Evidently, no one had ever done that before and the place was just abuzz.

The residents  were just thrilled that a bride was there. So many of them reached out to touch my hand or dress, to talk to us, to reminisce about their own weddings, and to wish us well. Days later, when her daughter came to visit Grandma, she could hear the residents still talking about "The Bride." (Hey, it was fun for us too!)

Someone was kind enough to take pictures of us with grandma. As it turned out, she passed away quite suddenly the next year, and since we lived in another state, we never got to see her again. Needless to say, we were glad we took the time to stop and visit and we're thankful for the pictures we have of her. They are the only pictures my kids have of their great-grandma Rosa .

Darlene

Thanks for sharing your story, Darlene. It never occurred to me that relatives might “mistakenly” choose to celebrate the marriage on the date of the ring exchange, but I can certainly see that happening.

It was good that you pointed out that different people in your family chose to react in different ways, and that you determined to be comfortable with all their decisions. As much as we may want to, we can't write other people's scripts. But it sure helps if we can stand back and let people use their agency, even if by our standards they make the wrong decisions.

Read on for two situations where ring exchanges were positive experiences: 

My brother just got married last October, and he and his beautiful new wife did something that was very awesome.  You see, she is from Ecuador and most of her family (most of them aren't LDS) couldn't get here to the U.S. , let alone attend the wedding.  So not only did they want to involve those who couldn't attend the temple, but also those of her family (parents and siblings) who couldn't be here with her.

At the very beginning of the wedding reception, their wedding party all stood in line together and my brother's bishop conducted a ring ceremony.  This was even more special since they didn't do a ring exchange after the wedding ceremony in the temple.  So, their guests and other members of the family who couldn't be in the temple were all a part of their special day.  And since we had someone recording the reception as well as when they came out of the temple to greet their family and have photos taken, they had a video to send to her family in Ecuador so they could be a part of it too!

We all felt honored that they shared such an intimate moment with all of us. 

Happy new sister-in-law

In this day of videos, Happy, it only makes sense to record the ring exchange if it isn't held in the chapel. In fact, when the ring exchange is done at the beginning of the reception it would serve as a wonderful beginning for the wedding video itself. This is something that could be re-experienced again and again.

Two of my children have been married in the temple and we included many non-LDS family members.  When I married my husband more than 30 years ago I was the only member in my family.  Nothing was done at the time to include nonmembers, so my family refused to travel to sit outside the temple in the desert heat. There were a lot of hurt feelings.

We didn't want this to happen again so we looked into what is allowed today. The church allows members to include their nonmember families by holding a ring exchange ceremony.  When the couple is married in the temple they do not exchange rings at that time but do it off temple grounds in a chapel or wherever the reception will be held.  It must not resemble a marriage in any way but it can be an excellent opportunity to include non-temple-attending family. 

At my daughter's wedding reception last April they had a nice little archway with flowers in the cultural hall of the church building, and the bishop gave a presentation on why we have temples and our belief in the eternal family.  He did a very nice job and the couple exchanged rings and kissed under the arch. 

At my son's wedding it was done in the Relief Society room and our daughter sang, "I Love to See the Temple " from the Primary songbook.  Again a speaker presented something on marriage and they exchanged rings and a kiss.  It was a nice way to include family who could not enter the temple.  With both weddings, our nonmember family was allowed to sit in a part of the foyer in the temple, and temple workers spoke with them and even gave them a booklet on our belief in eternal families.  With both weddings we had to travel out of state, so I went to the temple a day before the wedding and spoke with someone there about the nonmember family who would be attending.  They were very understanding and made sure they were ready to welcome them on the day of the wedding. 

Gail Rhoton
Lock Haven, Pennsylvania

It was a good idea, Gail, to give the temple workers a little warning so they could spend some extra time with your nonmember relatives. It's not often a mother of the bride or groom goes to that length to make things run smoothly. Brava to you!

Our son married his honey in the Las Vegas temple this past December.  My husband and I are both converts to the Church, as is the bride's father.  So fully three quarters of the “parents” are nonmembers, which is likely more typical than not today for relatives of LDS brides and grooms.   

It was a huge worry for me about how to accommodate non-LDS relatives. I was particularly concerned with the bride's grandparents, who had traveled from another state to be here.  They did choose to come to the temple, and wait to see the bride and groom emerge. (Other relatives chose to skip the temple entirely and just attend the reception; others yet chose to not attend at all, because of the temple. I'm just tellin' ya, be prepared).  We made certain several people would be available to just sit with them and visit with them until the couple exited the temple.  Then the grandparents could be included in the family photographs.

Following the late afternoon sealing, we chose to have a family dinner (for family and close friends) at our stake center, so as to be able to invite our nonmembers into one of our buildings. During this dinner is when we felt that we would have an opportunity to most deeply touch them.  Following an opening prayer by the bride's father, and a brief explanation by the groom's father about the differences between a meetinghouse (where we were) and the temple (where they were just married), we had the bride and groom come to the center of the room and exchange rings and their feelings about this day (note: thoughts prepared ahead of time). 

Nobody “officiated”; it was just them sharing with us their thoughts and feelings.   We did not want to have anything at all that resembled a wedding ceremony since they had already experienced the greatest ceremony possible!   But we did want the nonmembers to hear their words of love and commitment one for another and to see them exchange rings.  The bride and groom returned to the head table and we then showed a brief video of each of their lives, knowing this would touch family members, in particular.

While the meal was being served to all, and in a tradition familiar to our nonmember families, we had toasts offered (we used sparkling cider) beginning with the bride's grandfather, then the maid of honor, then the best man.  We felt that this would be a true highlight for Grandpa, and a grand way for him to participate in the wedding of his beloved granddaughter.   

Well, the grandparents danced their socks off, and seemed to have a marvelous evening, as did all of the rest of us.  All in all, it was a success.  But it did take much planning and much thought about which things to focus on during a very busy day.   

Happy weddings to all of you!

Pam Smith
Henderson, Nevada

Thanks for your thoughts, Pam. The thing that struck me most was that you had the nonmember father offer the prayer at the family dinner. It made a strong unspoken statement for you to ask a nonmember to participate in a spiritual part of the program. What an inspiration!

Read on for a letter from a reader who used the same idea, and then expanded on it:

When my daughter became engaged to a recent convert, he told his parents they wouldn't be able to attend the wedding, but he would like for them to come to the temple.  At first, his parents said they saw no reason to do so.   Over the next few months, his family was encouraged to come to the temple.  On the actual day of the wedding, they had more family members at the temple than we had.  His parents, brothers and sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, and grandmother all came.   We arranged for a friend to stay with them in the foyer and answer any questions they might have.  The temple president and the sealer also spent time with them before the wedding.  

At the reception, we asked the groom's father to say the opening prayer.  The groom's mother read a beautiful poem she wrote for the couple and a brother-in-law sang a song written for them.  A cross-stitch that was made by the groom's sister was displayed along with pictures of the couple and a picture of the temple.  There was also a simple ring ceremony at the reception so the groom's family could at least be part of that.    Of course, there was also a mother/son dance after the bride danced with her father. 

I don't know if we could have done anything differently, but I know his family all had a good time and felt like they were an important part of the celebration.   So much of the success of the day came from his family and their willingness not to take offense.  We also had a casual dinner for the families the night before the wedding so everyone could meet each other.   That was really nice too.

A Reader in Florida

It sounds as though you had the best of all possible situations, Florida . You're right in that the success depended so much on the family choosing not to take offense. Not all families make that choice, but your experience shows what can happen when everyone decides to make the wedding a joyous event despite religious differences.

I'm a convert and when my husband and I were planning our temple wedding I wanted my parents and other family members to feel included.  We were going to have a small ring ceremony but were discouraged by our leaders at the time.  It was difficult on my family and we had some hard times through it but it worked out.  Since then we have been to many temple weddings where they will have a ring ceremony before the reception for those family members who cannot participate in the temple ceremony.  It is always very touching and always makes me wish that had been allowed to do that when we got married.

I now have three children that are married.  To include their nonmember grandparents we make sure that someone else in the family has them at the temple for when the bride and groom come out.  The bride and groom go out of their way to greet and hug their grandparents before anyone else.  I always have the corsages there and make sure to pin the grandparents' on first so everyone knows they are special and important family members. 

At the reception we have made special mention of them and how much it means to us that they are there to share in our special day.  We have them stand while we do this.  Also, our friends know that they are not LDS and they go out of their way to include them and visit with them, which makes them feel special and important.  Oh, and also at the temple, we take pictures of just them with the bride and groom.

Here's another thing we do.  Our grandparents usually arrive a week to a few days before the wedding.  We make sure we schedule some one-on-one time for the bride and groom to spend with their grandparents.  Sometimes it might be an evening out for dinner or something else, but they all enjoy this one on one and getting to know the new member of the family.

Lisa Leavitt
San Diego, California

It's a neat idea, Lisa, to give the nonmember family members some “alone time” with the new couple when they come for a temple wedding. The hurt feelings during these occasions come when people feel as though they're being excluded. Setting aside an evening for an event with people who will not be able to go to the temple sounds like a good way to alleviate those hurt feelings.

When my husband and I got married in the Los Angeles Temple 27 years ago, my parents and my dad's parents were not able to attend. To make them feel part of the marriage ceremony, I arranged for them to have a tour of the visitor's center and then be there when we walked out of the temple. We also only had just the marriage ceremony that morning so we were only in the temple for one hour.

When my daughter was married in the Salt Lake Temple in 2005, we arranged for some of our nieces to take my daughter's parents-in-law on a tour and then be there to greet the bride and groom as they exited the temple. They were also part of the pictures taken on Temple Square and of course the reception later.

We also arranged for the bishop to conduct a ring ceremony in the Relief Society room just before the reception started. Since a ring ceremony is not part of a temple wedding, it didn't detract from the temple ceremony and helped his parents to feel more part of the celebration.

The temple ceremony was held at about 11am, with the ring ceremony at 1:30pm and the reception at 2pm. We had a full buffet at the reception so that those who had been at the wedding and those coming to the reception were well fed. We also didn't have a receiving line so the bride and groom walked around talking to friends, because the groom's father wasn't in the best health and standing was hard for him.

Pam in Ogden, Utah

The idea of not having a receiving line sounds lovely, Pam. Those receiving lines can be deadly for people who are even in the best of health, because so many people end up shaking the hands of strangers.

I am replying to the question about how to include your nonmember relatives in the wedding/reception.  My parents were nonmembers, so we explained to them about the sealing and they said they would wait for us at the Manti Temple .  I included them in buying complementary wedding clothes, sat them at the head table at the wedding brunch, and asked them to be host and hostess at the reception. 

After people came through the receiving line, my parents stood a few steps away and invited the guests to enjoy the buffet.  Actually it turned out to be very helpful as I was in the line and couldn't do it.  They invited the guests to have some cake after it was cut too.  Of course they were included in the family wedding pictures too.  They seemed to feel totally a part of the group and never said anything to us about not seeing the sealing.  I'm sure they hated to miss it but must have decided to just not say anything.  They played the same role for all three of our kids' receptions.

Lois Smith
San Antonio, Texas

What a good idea, Lois, to make your nonmember parents the host and hostess for the reception! That's a major job, and I'm sure it made them feel important and welcomed — even as they performed a service for you.

This subject hit close to home for us and I had to write in. My four children have one set of nonmember grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. The difficulty for these non-LDS family members was trying to understand the concept of a church so family-oriented as ours not allowing everyone to watch the marriage take place. It is hard to explain the temple as being sacred and not secret to them. This must be handled in a prayerful way or emotions can quickly get out of hand.

My daughter was the first of my four children to be married in the temple. My parents aren't members and this was their first granddaughter getting married and my daughter chose  not to have a ring ceremony afterwards. We explained the temple ceremony as much as possible, and yes, my parents were disappointed but my parents love their children and grandchildren and though I could tell their feelings were hurt they chose not to dwell on them. They made sure my daughters day was her day and not a time for hurt feelings. 

We did explain the sacred aspect of the temple to them (showed pictures from the Ensign ) and told them the ceremony itself is very brief. Our sealer knew of the nonmember family members who were in the waiting room and did not give a long oration about marriage. Short and sacred and the bride and groom were out the door to take pictures.

The groom's dad was unable to enter the temple even though he is a member and that made my parents realize that not even all members can go into the temple.

Another thing that helped smooth things for the non-LDS family members was that we put them to work. We asked grandpa to BBQ (something he is good at), one aunt was in charge of punch, another aunt took family photos, and so on. Knowing they each had a job to do at the reception made them feel a part of the whole occasion, and they eagerly accepted to help out. I have never heard any of them complain after the wedding about missing the temple ceremony.

When my new convert daughter-in-law married my son in the temple, now we had to deal with nonmember  parents not getting to see their only daughter get married without them. Their only son had been killed in a car crash just two months previous, so this was going to be really hard for them to accept.

I, as mother of the groom, prayed about it and decided to stay with them in the temple waiting room while the sealing took place. That is where I showed them pictures of the sealing room, the difference between a sealing and a wedding, and explained the importance of eternal families. 

My son was actually grateful for my offer because he was worried about starting off the marriage on a good footing with his wife's parents.  My daughter-in-law, ever mindful of her mother's feelings, wore a simple white dress for the sealing so her mother could help her dress into her fancy wedding dress after the ceremony. Again, the sealing ceremony was a brief 12-15 minutes. My daughter-in-law chose to have a brief ring ceremony at the reception so her family could be included.

Afterwards, I had friends tell me they could never have missed their own son's sealing, but I had great empathy for that mother because I had seen my own daughter's sealing. I do know that we still have a close relationship with my daughter-in-laws parents, which has been a blessing when we get together for family functions. Always remember that non-LDS family members are children of God and will most certainly have hurt feelings about this. Pour out your love for them and pray for them so the Lord can comfort their souls in His own way.

Karen Davis
Madera, California

I cannot tell you how impressed I was with your letter, Karen. It would have been a gem just for the idea of putting nonmember family members to work with wedding details. (It works with ward activities, so it only makes sense for it to work for wedding receptions!)

It was also a great idea for the bride to be sealed in a temple dress so that her mother could dress her in her “wedding dress.” I'm sure that went a long way toward ameliorating what could have been a sticky situation.

But the sacrifice you made just about blew me away. How fortunate your daughter-in-law is to have a mother-in-law like you!

Read on for words from a professional photographer who also goes the extra mile when she takes pictures at the temple for weddings involving nonmembers:

My husband is a convert and was the only member of his family who had joined the church.  The US Army had first dibs on him (during the VietNam era) and he had only been a member for nine months when we were married.   At that time, no one in my family was worthy to enter the temple to see us married.  In order to keep the peace we had a civil ceremony first and then went to the temple a year later.  If we were to do it again, we'd have done it the right way the first time and let the chips fall where they may. 

Because of my experience and now as a photographer, I have found a less than perfect solution.  I meet with the family of the bride and groom while the ceremony is being performed.   I take them out and do as many pictures as I can.  I try to make them feel important and a part of the wedding by giving them something to do and someone to talk to. 

Frequently I will sit in the waiting room with the nonmembers or take them to the visitors center and explain a little about what is taking place and how committed to each other the couple must be. 

Just because they are not able to witness the actual ceremony, they still want to feel like they are a part of the wedding.  They may not be members, but we must remember that their loved one is being married and is still an important part of their lives. 

Try to find someone who will be with the friends and family while the ceremony is going on.  Sometimes there's not a lot we can do to ease the pain, but a little sugar helps the medicine go down.

Deborah Gill
Idaho Falls, Idaho

Deborah, you are to be congratulated (and I'm sure you're often thanked!) for seeing a need and filling it. We should all follow your example.

In some countries, this problem of nonmember relatives feeling excluded isn't even an issue. If any of you ever wanted an excuse to move to Great Britain , here is one:

In the United Kingdom it is a legal requirement to have a civil marriage in a public place before going to the temple to be sealed. This practice seems to be generally satisfactory to family members who are not members of the Church, who can witness their loved ones being married at the chapel and celebrating at the wedding feast before the couple  leaves for the temple.

I should point out the same is true for members of other religious practices.   

Perhaps something similar would be helpful in providing a win-win situation.

PG Pratt
London, England

Thanks for letting us know, PG Pratt! I don't know whether it would help when family members are determined to take offense, but I would imagine this would appease most nonmember relatives.

Our last letter today also comes from across the ocean. Read on for advice from Australia:

When I was sealed to my husband 15 years ago next week, I had the same dilemma.  I am the only member in my family and most of my husband's family are not members.  The first thing I did was pray and ask Heavenly Father to soften my mother's heart.  When I finally got the courage up to tell her, she told me that she was so glad that I was finally getting married that she didn't care where it happened as long as it happened. 

Second, I invited my family to wait outside the temple so that they could be there for pictures when we came out.  My sister was matron of honour and my nephews were page boys.  I made sure that we spent plenty of time there with them.  I had also specified a time for them to get there just before we were due to come out from the ceremony.  This limited the waiting time.  If possible, have a friend who is known to them, stay with them.  Ask them to answer questions simply, but do not overwhelm them with gospel discussions.

Other relatives and friends were invited to the reception. We spent time talking to those that attended and made sure that they had a good time.   

My friend's mother never got over not being able to participate in the ceremony because she was inactive.  I still see this as a completely selfish attitude.  For me, the world places too much emphasis on seeing the big, white wedding and not enough on supporting the couple during time of crisis. 

My best advice is pray that the families' hearts will be softened to understand the importance of the temple sealing.

Erin Black
Sydney, Australia

This was a great letter to end today's column with, because Erin specifically prayed to see what solution would be best in her situation. In response, her mother's heart was softened and things went well. So often we make big decisions without thinking to pray about whether we could do a better job of it. I hope this is a reminder to all of us that when we're dealing with the feelings of others, we can never go wrong by making it an issue of prayer.

We have exactly enough responses for one more column on this subject, and then after my vacation we'll start another topic. Please do not send any more letters on this topic, but if you have ideas for future topics feel free to send them to meridianmagazine@aol.com.

Finally, t here's an advantage to sitting around manning the switchboard in the temple on a Friday night.  Last week there was a talk to read that was one of the best talks I've ever read in my life.  Here's the link:

Until next week — Kathy

"There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship,
communion or company than a good marriage."

Martin Luther