Meridian Magazine :: Articles: Latter-day Saints and Infertility: A Unique Challenge and a Unique Blessing

By Krista Ralston Oakes

Imagine being a Primary-age boy. Throughout your Primary years you are taught that when you are twelve years old, you will receive the priesthood. You will be ordained a deacon. You will pass the sacrament. You will continue to grow in the priesthood, holding various offices, serving a mission, attending the temple, and blessing your family with the priesthood throughout your life. It is a man’s calling. You are taught to prepare for this special ordination.

Imagine being that same boy, turning twelve, and being told that you will not receive the priesthood. Despite being completely worthy, you are being denied this opportunity for an unknown reason. You may not be ordained a deacon. You may not pass the sacrament. You will not serve a mission. You will not advance throughout the priesthood as you expected. The reason is unknown. Everyone insists that you are worthy. But you must be patient.

Imagine going to church every Sunday and watching the deacons pass the sacrament. Imagine watching young men being ordained to various offices. Imagine watching confirmations, baby blessings, and other priesthood ordinances being performed. Imagine hearing the joyful news of mission calls being extended to other men. Imagine hearing lessons every Sunday about honoring and magnifying the priesthood in your callings, and in leading and blessing your family.

Imagine hearing how important it is for all men to hold the priesthood as a special calling from Heavenly Father.

Would you feel left out? Would you question your worthiness, even though assurances were made that you were worthy? Would you wonder about your very purpose in life? Would you have sufficient faith to endure this puzzling and frustrating circumstance?

Many who have pondered this have a renewed appreciation for those who accepted the gospel and waited patiently until the 1978 revelation was received, finally enabling “all worthy males,” regardless of race, to receive the Priesthood. (Official Declaration – 2)

Eventual Calling of Motherhood

One woman used this analogy to explain her feelings about infertility to her husband. As a young woman, she was prepared for the eventual calling of motherhood. She eagerly anticipated the day when she would be married and would join with her husband and her Heavenly Father in the sacred process of procreation. She was taught to guard well this sacred process.

As men were prepared to be called to the Priesthood, women were prepared to be called to motherhood. However, although marriage came, and despite her worthiness to receive this calling, motherhood was deferred for an unknown reason.

This woman attended church every Sunday and watched new mothers, old mothers, and mothers-to-be. She witnessed the blessing of new babies. She attended lessons every week that celebrated motherhood and taught women how to magnify their motherhood to bless their children, as this was a woman’s complementary role to the priesthood. But for an unknown reason, the opportunity to have children would not be available to her. She must wait upon the Lord, and this waiting requires faith and hope in the eventual realization of the Lord’s plan for her.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints stands apart from the world in supporting the family, and for good reason. Prophets have warned us about the constant attack of worldly influences on the sacred institution of the family. The destruction of the family as a primary organization within the framework of the Plan of Salvation is a great threat to our society, and deserves a vigilant defense.

Living in a (necessarily) family-oriented culture, and having an appreciation and anticipation of parenthood as a divine calling, can present a unique challenge to those who have unfulfilled expectations with regard to children. This necessary family focus can seem overwhelming and isolating to someone who is longing for the experience of parenthood.

A friend of mine was finally able to have a child after much prayer, patience, and medical intervention. In the years that followed she tried to have more children, enduring disappointments and heartbreaking pregnancy losses before finally giving birth to a second child under very high-risk circumstances. She was advised by her doctor that additional attempts were too dangerous to pursue.

She is very grateful for her two children, but she feels challenged when people assume that she is deliberately limiting her family size. She once overheard a less-than-sensitive comment from a fellow ward member, who expressed his belief that small families were a “sin of omission.” This comment was made without considering the fact that we all long for eternal families. We all long to experience the joy of children. We share this righteous desire. The outcome of that desire is beyond our control and subject to the Lord’s will and timing.

The Importance of Birth

We understand the importance of birth as an important part of the Plan of Salvation. We appreciate the sacred calling and opportunity to provide earthly bodies for precious spirits who are awaiting their chance to come to earth. We safeguard and celebrate this process of co-creation.

When this opportunity is denied or deferred for a season, we feel a sense of loss. Again, our desires are counted as righteousness to us, but we are challenged by the disparity of outcomes among all who righteously desire these experiences within our culture.

In the midst of these unique challenges, we are surrounded by the unique blessings of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Years ago I attended a meeting sponsored by a large infertility support and advocacy group. The meeting was well-organized, and was both motivational and informational. It was well-attended by people in my local area, but the group was religiously unaffiliated. We were friends sharing common experiences, but we did not share a common faith.

As I made friends with other attendees, I appreciated the association, but missed the common context of the gospel as we discussed our experiences. I remember one couple in particular who seemed to be so devoid of hope as they talked about their struggles. They had no concept of an eternal perspective. They had no understanding of the purpose of earthly trials and mortal limitations. They had no idea that they were children of a loving Heavenly Father.

They bitterly saw themselves as useless and barren, with no potential together as a couple. I longed to share the gospel with them, because it was a vital source of hope and strength.

Uniquely Blessed

We are uniquely blessed by our understanding of the gospel, which teaches us the temporary nature of mortality. We know of the nature of God, and our role as His children. We have an appreciation and anticipation of our Savior, Jesus Christ, who will help us overcome all of the challenges we face in this life.

We understand the purpose of mortality as a time of testing and trial, and we learn much about prayer and faith and trusting in the Lord as we refine ourselves through the fires of adversity. We know that Eve was given the title “Mother of All Living” (Moses 4:26) before she ever bore a child, and we know that a woman’s divine calling of motherhood can be fulfilled in many ways that transcend the bearing of children. We know that a couple sealed in the temple is an eternal family unit with limitless potential, regardless of today’s reproductive status. We have much to hope for.

With a proper understanding of these unique challenges and unique blessings, we may better open ourselves to the great opportunities that exist for us both in this life and throughout the eternities.

These opportunities are best explored when we participate fully in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. While this may present a practical struggle for some, I would like to share with you some important reasons for making this choice to participate fully and actively in the Gospel, including full activity in wards and stakes.

Meeting the Challenge and Reaping the Blessings: Why I Go

I know that it may seem hard for infertile couples to think about getting up on Sunday morning to go to church and face some of the “unique challenges” — the pews full of offspring, the lessons on motherhood, the excited maternity chatter, and more. However, I remember a time when I was in the midst of those challenges myself, when I made the commitment to reap the “unique blessings” that were available to me. At that time I wrote a list of the reasons “why I go” to my ward and stake meetings:

I go because I made covenants with my Heavenly Father to keep the commandments, and to consecrate myself to the Church. I have the opportunity to repent and renew my covenants every week by taking the sacrament. Of all people, I certainly need that each week!

I go because I want to be worthy to attend the temple. I can’t imagine going through the earthly trials of infertility and pregnancy loss without having access to the temple. Also, if I have an eternal marriage I have access to an eternal posterity and potential, which gives dimension and depth to our earthly marriage. An eternal perspective makes earthly problems less heavy.

I go because I have received the gift of the Holy Ghost as my constant companion, and I don’t want to lose that gift. I can’t afford to lose that source of guidance and comfort when dealing with the challenges of mortality.

I go because I have come to realize that everyone comes to church with something lacking. The person sitting next to me might have children, but maybe her marriage is in trouble. Or her husband just lost his job. Or her mother is terminally ill. Or she was abused as a child. Or her oldest child is rebellious. Or her youngest child has a serious health problem. Or she is struggling to make a blended family work. Or she is trying to overcome a personal weakness that only she and Heavenly Father know about. Or she is suffering from post-partum depression and is too embarrassed to tell anyone about it. Or she is overwhelmed and thinks everyone else can do it all.

Who knows? We shouldn’t assume that everyone else has a perfect life and we are the only ones who got shortchanged. Instead, what if we approached each other with a desire to understand and serve one another?

I go because it is my responsibility to make friends in the ward, and not to wait for others to approach me. I will never forget the testimony of a woman who came to a new ward for the first time and thought it was so unfriendly. She sat between two women, neither of whom even said “hello” to her. As it turned out, one was a first-time visitor to the Church, and the other was also a new member. Suddenly she realized that she should have been the one to reach out.

I go, even if someone is offensive toward me. With offensive behavior, it is always better to receive than to give. The problem lies with the offender, not the offendee. Why should I let someone else’s lack of charity cause me to deprive myself of needed blessings?

I go because it is an opportunity to help others learn about infertility in a positive way. The more I have done that, the more support and understanding I have had from those around me.

I go because I am a unique individual who may be uniquely able to touch the life of someone else who is there. We never know who will be affected by our testimonies, shared in a way that only we can.

I go because I am thankful for what I have. The gospel is something that not everyone has in their lives. No, I don’t have everything I want, but I do have much to be thankful for, including the gospel in my life. If I don’t receive that gift with gratitude and enthusiasm, how can I ask for other precious gifts from the Lord?

I go because I believe in the parable of the talents. Maybe I didn’t get the same talents as the person next to me, but that doesn’t mean I should bury mine in the ground. I want to use the life I have been given in the most meaningful way possible, so that I fill the measure of my creation.

I go because I want my children (present and/or future) to go. I want to build habits that will make me the best parent possible. It won’t suddenly become easy to go just because a child is born, if a habit of inactivity has taken root.

I go because my eternal salvation is between me and the Lord. I love Heavenly Father and I trust him to take care of my needs. He has asked me to participate in his church, and I told him I would. It’s not about going and socializing with people. It’s not about being the most popular person in the ward. It’s not about baby blessings and testimonies of childbirth and having families take up their own pew. It’s about my personal relationship with Heavenly Father, and my personal statement of love and trust in him by trying to do what has been asked of me.

I go because I know that this trial of infertility will not last forever, but my spirit will. Therefore, which should I focus on and nurture?

These statements are meant, not as criticism, but as a simple testimony of why choosing activity in the church is so important to anyone struggling with infertility in the LDS community. Infertility can feel like such a heavy burden, but there are great opportunities to lighten that burden through the blessings offered by the gospel.