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By Chuck and Laraine Chamberlain, for the LDS Marriage
Network |
Understanding a Spouse's Expectations
Everything was getting fuzzy, as though
my brain had been placed in a box and someone was packing it with
cotton. “ Where will they ship my brain when they're done?” I thought.
The needle in my arm was pumping “happy juice” into my blood stream
to push aside the horrible pain in my abdomen. As my wife and I
huddled together in the hospital emergency room at 4:00 a.m. several
years ago, we were guessing that maybe I had a kidney stone or inflamed
appendix.
The nurse had asked me, “On a scale
from 1 to 10, how bad is your pain?” I recall justifying a number
closer to the latter. Though her query seemed entirely fitting given
the circumstances, and unremarkable to me, the nurse's question
affected my wife quite differently. She had a sudden stroke of inspiration.
As the pain in my abdomen subsided
and the medicine caused my brain to feel completely boxed, taped
and ready for postage, Laraine shared some important information
with me. She said, “Do you know how I always bug you to take out
the garbage?” I answered in the affirmative, as I would have answered
any question at that moment.
She then said, “Do you remember the
class we took together at BYU before we were married, where we listed
household chores and who would do them?” Again, I nodded my head.
She responded, “For 28 years now, I've had to pester you about doing
that chore and you've always responded with a joke about your forgetfulness.
I just want you to know how important it is to me that you fulfill
that responsibility. For me it is a number 10 !”
At that moment it was as if someone
pulled my brain out of the box and picked off all the cotton. Suddenly,
I had a moment of complete clarity about the importance of garbage
in my marriage, and for the first time in 28 years, I got it
! The garbage cans have been at curbside every week since then.
The Expectations We Bring to
Marriage
In an Ensign article entitled
(appropriately), “But I Thought Husbands Took out the Garbage!”
(Oct. 1989, pg. 29), Kenneth W. Matheson said, “All couples bring
certain expectations to marriage . Personality traits and lifelong
patterns and values contribute to a person's expectations . They
may be quite simple, such as who should take out the garbage. Or
they may be deep-seated and complex, such as how spouses should
treat one another. Unfortunately, differing expectations can be
the source of serious conflict in a marriage . But you can prepare
during courtship to reconcile expectations and lessen the possibility
for contention.”
In light of Brother Matheson's article
and my own example, it is apparent that even the most “simple” expectations
in marriage can become serious stumbling blocks if they are not
addressed in a timely and respectful way. He explains further:
Most couples usually disclose their
major expectations before marriage , such as religious beliefs
or views on parenthood. Many other couples, though, do not discuss
the less-obvious details of married life, such as who will balance
the checkbook, pay the bills, or scrub the bathtub.
There are several reasons for this.
You may feel that a subject isn't important enough to mention
or is too sensitive to bring up. Maybe you're not aware of some
expectations because you have not yet experienced a situation
that would bring them to mind. You may not mention other expectations
because you have never given much thought to them.
Courtship is typically a time when
our creativity flows. We may feel like writing poetry, singing love
songs and admiring sunsets. A great deal of research has been done
on the brain and the complexity of functions and interaction between
its right and left hemispheres. Whereas our “left brain” tends to
keep us organized in our daily life, our “right brain” seems to
hold our capacity for creativity and spontaneity.
Certainly, our “right brain” is in
full functioning mode during courtship just as our “left brain”
returns once we are married and face a mortgage, hectic schedules,
and grocery lists. Ideally, we would use our “left brain” a little
more during courtship to help us evaluate our partner and potential
problems we may face, and our “right brain” a little more once we
are married to keep the courtship “spark” alive.
For romance value, completing a very
“left-brained” questionnaire or inventory of your marital expectations
does not compete well with choosing favorite love songs for your
wedding reception. Nor will it beat the excitement of planning your
honeymoon or selecting your theme colors. But it could very well
be one of the most important things you and your spouse-to-be do
prior to getting married or shortly after you marry.
In the same Ensign article,
Matheson states, "Making the implicit expectations explicit
is a major step in preventing future problems.” He suggests making
a list of about thirty marital expectations you have regarding issues
such as household chores, finances, education, employment, hobbies,
and so on, and discussing them with your fiancé prior to
marriage.
From my hospital experience, you might
note how important it was for my marriage that I finally and truly
understood the emotional “weight” of my wife's expectation about
me taking the garbage out. Matheson encourages couples to, “Identify
those expectations you will not change. These include beliefs concerning
marital fidelity, honesty, integrity, responsibility, and love.”
He suggests further ranking your expectations beyond those you consider
unchangeable or most critical.
Matheson suggests also focusing on
the need behind the expectation. He says, “ Expectations
arise from needs. Vivian and Gerald, for example, nearly called
off their wedding plans when Vivian learned that Gerald expected
her to have the house clean and dinner ready by the time he came
home from work. She felt that Gerald was being inflexible, selfish,
and insensitive; her expectation was that Gerald should help
clean the house!”
Through calm discussion, the couple
eventually understood each other's needs supporting their expectations,
and they were able to develop more acceptable expectations.
The Challenge of Unrealistic
or Unmet Expectations
Why go through all this trouble? Does
it really make such a difference? In an article entitled, “Marriage
Mythology ,” the author, Tara Blanc, quotes Arizona State University
Professor of Sociology, Mary Laner, regarding the devastating fruits
of unrealistic marital expectations in our society. Blanc writes:
In fact, the divorce rate in the
United States is just over half of the marriage rate. Many researchers,
including Laner, lay at least part of the blame for this statistic
on those unrealistic expectations. Laner points out that much
of the existing marital therapy literature is concerned with the
problem. And, she adds, many of us continue to take our zealous
ideas of what marriage should be into the next relationship and
the next, and so on.
Laner blames our tendency to irrationally
place all our hopes on a marriage partner who will bring needed
warmth and closeness in a cold, mass society. She says, “We think
that our partner can meet all our needs, know what we're thinking,
and love us even when we're not terribly lovable. When those things
don't happen, then we blame our partner. We think that maybe if
we had a different spouse, it would be better.
So ? is the answer to simply lower
all of our expectations? Laraine has told me on several occasions
how women in our community cry on her shoulder because their husbands
are simply not living up to their expectations. They seem on the
verge of separation or divorce over one issue or another.
When she asks them what great concern
could cause them to contemplate such a drastic solution, they tell
her their husbands don't do any laundry, or fix any meals, or do
some other household task. Whatever they come up with, it seems
she is able to match their story and tell them her husband
doesn't do those things either ? but she's very happy in her marriage.
She tells them she's learned to lower her expectations.
You might imagine my side of this unusual
conversation in which my wife explains how she assists other women
to lower their marital expectations as she has done. But I understand
she doesn't mean to imply I'm the world's biggest slouch. She wants
to help these women keep high expectations in their marriage overall,
but be more realistic about expectations in specific areas .
She also tries to help them build their relationship skills. And
indeed that may be the key.
James McNulty and Benjamin Karney at
Ohio State University published a study in which they tested 82
newlyweds and re-tested them at six month intervals for four years
following marriage. The study found that couples who had high initial
expectations for their marriage, but low relationship skills, experienced
a sharp decline in marital satisfaction over the four-year period.
Couples with low expectations and low
relationship skills experienced no sharp decline in marital satisfaction.
Interestingly, couples who had high relationship skills only experienced
high marital satisfaction if they also had high expectations for
the marriage. If they had low expectations, they experienced a corresponding
low mark in marital satisfaction. (“Positive Expectations in the
Early Years of Marriage: Should Couples Expect the Best or Brace
for the Worst?” By McNulty, James K.; Karney, Benjamin R., Journal
of Personality and Social Psychology . 2004 May Vol 86(5) 729-743).
From these anecdotal examples and research,
you could surmise something that seems intuitive ? your best chances
for a happy marriage are to have realistic expectations as well
as good relationship skills. Completing and discussing a detailed
marital expectations questionnaire (such as RELATE from BYU, or
the included “Pre-Marriage Expectations Inventory”) prior to getting
married is a great way to help couples understand, clarify and prioritize
their expectations. It also serves as a catalyst for valuable communication;
an important skill in creating a good relationship.
What Are Your Expectations?
Would you like to find out what your
own expectations are? Wouldn't it be great to then take your future
or current spouse on a “tour” of your expectations? As you do so,
and as you tour each other's expectations, you'll find some common
ground you didn't know you had. You'll also find some areas you'll
need to discuss further.
Take some time to complete this inventory
below or develop one of your own. After completing it separately,
come together to discuss the results. Your results may fall into
these categories:
- Very few differences .
Congratulations! This means you are starting your marriage with
many common expectations. This does not mean, however, that your
work is over. You will need to focus on communicating when one
of you does not meet the expectations.
- Many differences .
Above all, don't be discouraged. Be glad you took the time to
discover these things before you spend many frustrating years
wondering if you made the right decision. Your attitudes
about these differences are more important than the differences
themselves. If you're both willing to discover
and do those things that will keep a happy marriage, it won't
matter that you started with a long list of differences.
- Major differences .
If your high priority items are at odds with your partner, and
after understanding the underlying need, you are still unable
to agree on some shared expectations, seek guidance from your
Father in Heaven about continuing toward marriage (if not yet
married) or strengthening your marriage. Seek perspective from
a parent, priesthood leader or counselor as you make critical
decisions in your life. A wedding itself will not somehow change
a spouse, and these differences will not somehow just disappear.
For the good of both partners, now is the time to slow
things down or work together , study it out in your
mind (D&C 9: 8) and trust in the guidance your Father in Heaven
will give you.
A Pre-Marriage or Marriage
Expectations Inventory
As a couple, take this inventory separately,
and then compare the results together. There is no score. The questions
and answers are simply meant to help you explore expectations in
many areas, and to present some important issues to discuss prior
to or during marriage. It is important that as you answer each question,
pay close attention to your feelings.
If you feel an item is extremely important
to you, give it a priority score of 8-10 (on a scale of 1 to 10),
and be sure to discuss the underlying needs in this priority. Consider
your reason for making it a high priority. If there is not enough
room for your comments or descriptions on a question, jot a few
words to help you remember your thoughts, or write them on a separate
piece of paper. Tip: Review your answers after 6 months, 1 year,
2 years, 5 years, or 10 years of marriage, and see how things have
changed.
For each of the items listed below,
list your expectation for how the issue will be handled in marriage
(who will do each item) and by who, in one of the following categories:
- Husband Only (HO);
- Wife Only (WO);
- Primarily Husband with Wife Involved
(PHWI)
- Primarily Wife with Husband Involved
(PWHI)
- Both Equally (BE)
Also, list how much of a priority it
is for you on a scale of 1 (low) to 10 (high). For questions, simply
describe your expectation or view.
Household Tasks
- Make the bed
- Dust the furniture
- Vacuum/sweep
- Clean bathrooms
- Do laundry
- Iron the clothes
- Put away clothes
- Do dishes/clean kitchen
- Purchase groceries
- Take out the trash
- Prepare food
- Purchase clothing
- Purchase furniture/household items
- Minor home repairs
- Mow the lawn
- Landscape or garden
- Major repair/remodeling decisions
- Major repair/remodeling work
- Vehicle repair
- Running errands
Financial
- Earn income
- Pay bills/balance checkbook
- Prepare or handle tax returns
- Create a budget
- Maintain the budget
- Choose investments
- List the highest amount of purchase
that you feel does not require spouse approval (amount $).
- Describe your philosophy about
debt.
- Describe the level of income or
assets that you expect in the marriage in order to be happy.
Decisions
- Choose employment/schooling
- Choose health plan/insurance
- Choose a vehicle
- Choose home/apartment
- Make vacation plans
- Choose a pet
- Decide on when to have children
- Decide on how many children to
have
- If in school, who will complete
education first
Raising Children
- Feed the baby
- Change the baby
- Bathe the baby
- Baby doctor visits
- Daily tending
- Finding a babysitter
- Drive children to activities
- Parent-teacher conferences
- Discipline children
- List ideal number of children (#).
Religious/Spiritual
- Teach gospel principles to children
- Initiate family prayer, scripture
study
- Initiate family home evening
- Attend church
- Fulfill church callings
- Get children ready for church
Intimacy
- Initiate discussion about intimacy
- Initiate interest in intimacy
- Share literature on intimacy
- Discuss values about intimacy
- Birth control measures
Health
- Ideal hours of exercise per week
for wife (hours)
- Ideal hours of exercise per week
for husband (hours)
- Describe your philosophy about
eating nutritious food
Extended Family and Friends
- Make contact with wife's family
- Make contact with husband's family
- List ideal number of visits to/from
wife's family per week/month/year
- List ideal number of visits to/from
husband's family per week/month/year
- Hours per week wife will spend
with friends (without spouse)
- Hours per week husband will spend
with friends (without spouse)
- Yes or No ? Will husband seek advice
from family or friends on marital conflicts?
- Yes or No ? Will wife seek advice
from family or friends on marital conflicts?
Special Days
- Holidays with family members
- Holidays just as husband and wife
- Special activity on anniversary
- Special activity on birthday
- List special days on which gifts
are given
Marital Relationship
- Initiates dates as a couple
- Plans dates
- Initiates sexual interaction
- Organizer (generally)
- Evaluator (generally)
- Nurturer (generally)
- Motivator (generally)
- Pleaser (generally)
- Authoritarian (generally)
- List ideal number of dates per
month
- Describe the style wife uses to
resolve conflict
- Describe the style husband uses
to resolve conflict
- What is wife's greatest need right
now (i.e., security, better health, removal of debt, privacy,
stability, excitement, control, independence, etc.)
- What is husband's greatest need
right now (i.e., security, better health, removal of debt, privacy,
stability, excitement, control, independence, etc.)
- Describe your primary long-term
goals for this marriage
(This is an article
in the LDS Newlywed Smart Start Kit series sponsored by the LDS
Marriage Network and Meridian Magazine. Chuck and Laraine Chamberlain
have been married for 30 years, and he has worked in business development,
and together they develop and implement creative workshops and retreats
for couples (Chuck and Laraine own and operate For Every Marriage
LLC, which develops and implements marriage retreats and workshops
nationally – further information can be found at www.foreverymarriage.com
). They are members of the steering committee for the LDS Marriage
Network.
To respond to this
article or share comments with the authors, send your feedback to
brotherson@meridianmagazine.com
– we look forward to hearing from you. For further information
about the LDS Marriage Network, send to the same email address.)
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