Kyle*, a young professional
in his early thirties, sat across from me in my office
and quietly asked, “Is there any way out of this?” Kyle
had been battling an addiction to pornography since he
was thirteen years old. He had repeatedly failed in his
attempts to stop viewing pornography during the previous
20 years. In fact, he had been defeated so many times
that he wondered if he would ever be acceptable to God.
Kyle represents a large number
of earnest and sincere individuals who battle addiction
to pornography. When I visit with these individuals in
the safety and security of my office, many of them express
fear that they will eventually be sabotaged by the pull
of pornography and their own lack of character. They share
stories where they experience weeks and months of victory
over viewing pornography, only to be suddenly blindsided
by the overwhelming forces that lead them to act out.
They feel that they face ultimate ruin and will surely
end up in the dustbin of the Telestial Kingdom.
The ability to overcome the
allure of pornography is possible. There are initial
steps that must happen to achieve the hope of lasting
change. I provide this guide as a way to help put you
or a loved one on the path to ultimate victory over the
terrible plague of pornography. I will present these
steps as if I’m speaking directly to an individual who
secretly views pornography.
Admit that you are powerless
over pornography
Admitting your own defeat
may seem like giving up in hopelessness. In reality,
the opposite is true. When we are broken down and recognize
our inability to fix our self-destructive behaviors, we
open ourselves to the redeeming power of the Atonement.
We trade self-sufficiency for divine repair. Vance Hayner
once observed, “It takes broken soil to produce a crop,
broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread,
broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster
box that gives forth perfume… it is Peter, weeping bitterly,
who returns to greater power than ever." [1]
The scriptures, especially
the Book of Mormon, highlight prophets and individuals
who struggled with their own inadequacies and shortcomings.
For example, Nephi admits feeling burdened with temptation
and begs the Father for strength to overcome. [2] As you read the scriptures, you’ll
notice that an earnest plea for help immediately delivers
spiritual support through the power of the Atonement.
Like Alma the Younger, you
will find great peace and encouragement after you sincerely
plead with the Father for mercy. [3]
If you’ve never completely let go of all of your good
intentions, strategies, maneuverings, and secrets, try
it. Once you admit your need for help, you might be surprised
how quickly the hope of lasting change starts to infuse
your soul. Ammon described the joy that comes after submitting
to the Father when he exclaimed, “Who could have supposed
that our God would have been so merciful as to have snatched
us from our awful, sinful, and polluted state?” [4]
Step out of the shadows
Often times, Heavenly Father
will direct you to individuals who can be help you through
this difficult journey of repentance and growth. Speaking
to another person about your battle with pornography is
an essential part of healing and recovery. This allows
you to acknowledge your dependence on Heavenly Father
and demonstrate trust in His ability to guide you toward
those who can help you.
>If you’re married, I recommend
you include your spouse in this process. Pornography
tears at the delicate fabric of marital intimacy, especially
if it’s concealed. Elder Richard G. Scott promised that
spouses who share the personal details of their lives
with one another create “powerful spiritual insurance.” [5]
Who else should be included
in our circle of confidence? Elder Orson F. Whitney described
the types of individuals who are most helpful in this
process. He said, “ When we want counsel and comfort,
we do not go to children, nor to those who know nothing
but pleasure and self-gratification. We go to men and
women of thought and sympathy, men and women who have
suffered themselves and can give us the comfort that we
need.” [6] Certainly, your bishop should be a
key counselor in your journey.
You will feel terrified as
you take this step. You may convince yourself that you’ve
only done it a few times or it’s not happening very often.
Please remember that if your secret behaviors stay secret,
no matter how minimal you believe they are, you will shut
off the potential for lasting change.
It’s normal to wonder how
to step out of the shadows and start talking to someone
about your battle with pornography. You may be tempted
to wait until you’ve created the perfect script for delivering
your message. Remember that unless you consider yourself
a “[fool] before God” [7] ,
and are willing to simply start talking about your difficulties,
however unrehearsed, you might never get around to it.
If your secret behavior was
discovered accidentally, you might be tempted to deny
and minimize the truth. Please note that “getting caught”
isn’t the same as “stepping out of the shadows.” It takes
tremendous courage to be honest with another about your
struggles with pornography.
A simple suggestion for this
step might be to set up a specific time to talk with the
individual you’ve selected. You might say, “I need to
talk with you about something very serious,” and then,
at the given time, say the words, “I’m struggling with
pornography.” After the main secret is revealed, you
can start filling in the gaps with the rest of your behaviors.
Again, if you’ve been discovered using pornography, you
can still use the same phrase. This keeps you from minimizing
the seriousness of your actions.
As you share your actions
with others, Satan will begin to lose power over you.
This is because the prince of darkness only operates in
secrecy and shadows. The hope of lasting change begins
when our dark places are illuminated with light and truth.
Fill yourself with Him
Pornography and its host
of consequences exact a steep price from those who consume
it. The resultant losses in time, relationships, spirituality,
income, and self-respect can be incalculable. This is
what Satan delivers to those deceived by his lies — endless
misery.
Thankfully, Jesus delivers
a more excellent way. He proclaims, “Come, my brethren,
every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters; and he
that hath no money, come buy and eat; yea, come buy wine
and milk without money and without price… feast upon that
which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let
your soul delight in fatness.”
[8]
His goodness provides unmatched
healing for the damaged soul. He delivers an unlimited
supply of nourishment and healing when we’re “stripped,”
“wounded,” and left “half-dead.” [9] As we present ourselves in our wounded
and humiliated state, we wonder if He will even notice
us. We worry that He’ll lecture us and send us to our
room without supper. To our complete surprise, He runs
to us and hugs us with a tight embrace. [10] He binds us up, feeds us with His
truths, and invites us to keep filling ourselves with
His light and goodness.
As you spend your time and
energy seeking relief for your wounded mind and spirit,
recall Alma’s invitation to “try the virtue of the word
of God.” He found that the words of Jesus Christ had
a more powerful effect on the mind than anything else. [11] Among all of the methods available
to overcome the dark pull of pornography, an ongoing and
personal tutoring relationship from the Lord Jesus Christ
will deliver the ultimate protection and healing.
If necessary, search out
the counsel of caring professionals
If your attempts to free
yourself from the grip of pornography have proven unsuccessful,
it might be necessary to seek the counsel of caring professionals.
Despite Satan’s attempts to overwhelm the world with his
salacious wickedness, our Heavenly Father has revealed
ample resources to combat these forces.
The range of available resources
starts with articles, books, and educational workshops.
Long-term and more intensive help is available through
individual or relational counseling, group work, and 12-step
meetings. An abbreviated list of resources is included
at the end of this article.
If you decide to request
the assistance of a licensed counselor, there are a few
things you’ll want to consider. Choosing a counselor
to help you with your situation can be confusing. You
may wonder where to start looking for help. There are
two major areas to consider as you begin the process of
selecting a counselor.
First of all, ask to have
an initial consultation to see if there is a “goodness
of fit” between personalities. Second, it will be important
for you to know their background, credentials, and treatment
philosophies. The following list of considerations can
help you make your selection:
He or She:
- Honors and respects your
need to seek spiritual strength through Jesus Christ
and His Gospel.
- Acknowledges that sexual
behaviors, including viewing pornography, can be addictive.
- Is supportive of working
to save marriages and doesn’t consider divorce as the
first and only solution to marital distress.
- Encourages abstinence
from all sexually compulsive behaviors, including viewing
pornography in all of its forms.
- Has a clear plan for how
to include your spouse in treatment.
- Encourages you to develop
a support system of people you can trust and who can
help you stay accountable to your plan for recovery.
- Encourages healthy living
(i.e., healthy eating, exercise, meditation, spirituality,
community involvement, volunteering, education, and
so on).
- Has specialized training
in working with sexual addictions.
- Is familiar with 12-step
work and encourages outside support groups.
If you are currently working
with a counselor, I encourage you to measure the care
you’re receiving with this list. If you haven’t taken
the step to seek professional help, these recommendations
can help you locate a counselor who will be competent
in leading you across the “everlasting gulf of misery”
toward the hope of lasting change. [12]
The hope of lasting change
Hope is more than the empty
wish that the urge to view pornography will diminish over
time. As soon as you begin taking active steps toward
recovery, you will be filled with purpose and direction,
founded in the true hope that leads to a life grounded
in recovery.
President Gordon B. Hinckley
emphasized this process when he said, “Plead with the
Lord out of the depths of your soul that He will remove
from you the addiction which enslaves you. And may you
have the courage to seek the loving guidance of your bishop
and, if necessary, the counsel of caring professionals.” [13]
Lasting change is possible.
The reality of the Atonement of Jesus Christ reassures
us that the healing of all sicknesses and maladies is
within the reach of our Savior. [14]
When individuals follow the steps outlined
in this article, they create a pattern that will guide
them toward the hope of lasting change.
Nephi confirmed this truth when he taught, “And now, my beloved brethren,
after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path,
I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay…
Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness
in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope… Wherefore,
if ye shall press forward… ye shall have eternal life.”
[15]
Selected Resources
Books
- The Book of Mormon
— a book that needs no introduction, but must be included
on the top of any “self-help” list. It is the
most correct book on earth and will provide more protection
and healing than any other book.
- Believing Christby
Stephen Robinson. This is an excellent resource for
learning how to submit to the Savior and access the
Atonement.
- Confronting Pornography
by Mark Chamberlain, Daniel Gray, and Rory Reid. An
edited book that contains a range of articles dealing
with pornography addiction. Help for LDS church leaders,
spouses, loved ones, and addicts.
- Discussing Pornography
Problems with a Spouse by Daniel Gray and Rory
Reid. A guide to help couples discuss pornography.
Available at www.lifestarnetwork.org/product.cfm?p=dp)
- Treating Pornography
Addiction: The Essential Tools for Recovery
by Kevin Skinner. A 5-CD and workbook set that takes
addicts through education and exercises to begin the
process of healing. Available at Deseret Book and www.treating-pornography-addiction.com
- Lord, I Believe,
Help Thou Mine Unbelief — by Rod Jeppsen. A
workbook for wives of individuals struggling with pornography
addiction.
- Clean Hands, Pure
Heart — by Philip A. Harrison. Poignant and
personal accounts of one man’s struggle to overcome
pornography addiction as he finds hope and healing through
Jesus Christ. Available through www.rosehavenpublishing.com
- He Did Deliver Me
From Bondage by Colleen Harrison. Workbook
based on 12-step principles applied through the Book
of Mormon. Applicable to all compulsive and addictive
behaviors. Available through www.rosehavenpublishing.com
Software
- ContentWatch — Blocks pornography, questionable chat rooms, and other dangers of the Internet. They offer a free two-week trial. Available at www.contentwatch.com.
Online Resources
* name has been changed
