LDS Newlywed Smart Start Kit #4

Editor's note: Look for Laura Brotherson’s classes at BYU Campus Education Week, August 22-25, 2006. Her classes include insights on intimacy in marriage, as well as other “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” topics.

A positive and mutually pleasing honeymoon begins the foundation upon which the richest and sweetest relationship ever created by God can be built. Couples need to understand that education, understanding each other’s expectations, as well as time and experience, will be needed to create a mutually fulfilling intimate relationship.

A Smart Start for Marital Intimacy

After 16 years of marriage, Mandy still recalls her honeymoon with frustration and resentment. The wedding day was beautiful and perfectly planned, but the honeymoon was nothing like the fantasy she had created in her mind. She was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted from the wedding day, and unprepared for the anxious advances of her husband.

On his honeymoon night, John received the biggest shock of his life when his new bride came out of the bathroom, got into bed, kissed him on the cheek and said goodnight, before turning over and going to sleep.

Many other honeymoon “horror stories” abound, attesting to the necessity of couples needing to be better prepared for the honeymoon and an intimate relationship in marriage. President Spencer W. Kimball highlighted the importance of the sexual relationship for newly married couples when he warned, "Divorces often occur over sex... If you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are many reasons. Generally, sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in the court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason" (Edward L. Kimball, Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 312).

With intimacy issues as one of the primary causes of divorce and dissatisfaction in marriage, it is important that couples make it a priority to prepare for the honeymoon and the intimate aspects of marriage, rather than allow themselves to be consumed solely by the wedding day arrangements. Truly fulfilling physical intimacy is a learned behavior requiring knowledge, time, and preparation.

Intimacy as a Gift of God

Sex is God’s wedding gift to a husband and wife — given to nourish, enrich, and renew the sacred bond that exists between a husband and wife. Sexual intimacy is an intimate sharing and union of the heart and soul (body and spirit) of husband and wife. The scriptures teach couples to delight in each other and find joy in each other’s love (see Proverbs 5:18-19).

A positive and mutually pleasing (though not necessarily perfect) honeymoon begins the foundation upon which the richest and sweetest relationship ever created by God can be built. A negative honeymoon experience can sow seeds of dissatisfaction and disaffection that may fester for many moons. Again, the objective is not perfection, but rather mutual understanding and positive experiences that allow a couple to grow together in their love and intimacy.

So, what can couples do to prepare for this exciting, yet potentially problematic part of marriage? Education, expectations, as well as time and shared experience, play a vital role in preparing for and developing a mutually fulfilling intimate relationship. Here are three steps couples can make to enjoy a smart start in marriage:

Get Educated about Intimacy

Getting educated about physical intimacy is an important aspect of preparing for marriage. Unfortunately, few couples are adequately knowledgeable or prepared for success in the intimate dimension of marriage. Two of the most important aspects of sexual intimacy, where education is lacking, are (a) sexual differences between men and women, and (b) the intricacies of the female sexual response.

Sex is such a taboo subject, and is so highly charged, that it is rarely discussed or encouraged as an essential area of marital education and preparation. Couples approaching the honeymoon are usually lucky if they get a few tips from friends or older siblings, which is generally insufficient for long-term intimate fulfillment. Parents still lag behind in providing what should be the most effective marriage, sex and intimacy education.

Reading good books on the subject can be invaluable to correct misconceptions, and prepare couples for enjoyable intimate relations in marriage. I am often asked when it is appropriate for couples or individuals to read such materials. This is a bit of a complicated question. Each person or couple needs to determine the correct balance between starting out with a positive honeymoon experience and keeping themselves from getting too caught up in the thoughts and emotions of intimate interaction prior to marriage.

The ultimate answer is that individuals must determine for themselves, with the help of the Spirit, when it would be best for them to read and learn more about this subject. Women are generally less affected by sexual information, and can especially benefit from this learning prior to their honeymoon. Men also can benefit from such knowledge, if they are able to maintain control of their thoughts. If not, this material could be read individually (instead of together) and/or only shortly before the wedding day. Young brides-to-be need to be attentive to the different mental wiring of young men, and not unwittingly put their fiancés in a precarious situation.

Action Items:

Discuss and Adjust Sexual Expectations

Every bride and groom has his or her own vision of what the honeymoon will be like. One’s honeymoon expectations have usually been formulating for many years prior to marriage. Unfortunately, neither spouse is usually aware of their own or the other’s expectations, which often differ greatly, adding to the potential for marital problems. The differing sexual wiring of men and women is such that what seems obvious to each as the ideal experience may actually create quite a clash, resulting in yet another honeymoon horror story.

Women, for example, usually need some time to connect emotionally prior to sexual connecting. If a new husband is unaware of his wife’s need for emotional warm-up, which prepares her mind and body for full engagement in lovemaking, then his rushed and ready-to-go approach may be less than ideal. If a new bride is unaware of the assumptions that her companion may bring to the honeymoon bed, his experience may be a real blow to what he may see as the foundation of the relationship.

Sharing each other’s mental picture of the honeymoon experience can be helpful for couples to learn about each other’s expectations, alleviate anxieties, and allow couples to be better prepared for a positive first encounter.

Action Items:

Allow for Time and Experience — to Develop the Relationship of Your Dreams

In biblical times, newlywed husbands were released from all military and business responsibilities for a whole year (see Deuteronomy 24:5), presumably so that couples could get to "know" each other (see Moses 5:2) and learn how to become "one flesh" (see Matthew 19:5). While most honeymoons unfortunately don’t last that long, just knowing that it will take some time and effort to get to know each other intimately, can help alleviate anxiety and frustration, as husband and wife transition into marriage and adjust to their sexual relationship.

Developing a playful attitude of adventure and discovery will help couples look forward positively and more patiently to the journey they have embarked upon to learn to meet each other’s unique needs for love and intimacy. Also, genuine patience and expressions of tender affection and love help to maintain the emotional climate needed for couples to learn and grow together. Truly satisfying sex is a learned behavior requiring time, effort and intimate learning. Full engagement in learning the art of lovemaking must be a shared venture, because the only true fulfillment in the sexual relationship comes from mutual fulfillment.

The time, experience, and effort required to develop the intimate relationship make sex a natural refiner’s fire in marriage. For example, to fully engage in sharing oneself sexually requires a feeling that says, “I like who I am, and I’m happy to share it with you.” This delicate dimension of sexual intimacy in marriage is intended to provide many opportunities for significant personal development.

In addition to gaining sexual knowledge and shared experience, the quality of the sexual relationship will also be related to the quality of the couple’s emotional and spiritual connection. Developing these three distinct dimensions of the relationship helps couples create not only personal wholeness, but also allows them to experience ever deepening degrees of marital oneness.

God cares about the intimate relationship between a husband and wife. It was God who created sex, and bestowed it as a gift to husband and wife. Couples can invite God into their sexual relationship by seeing sex as a sacred and spiritually bonding experience. Making the sexual relationship a matter of personal and couple prayer can help restore sex to its proper position as ordained of God, and invite the blessings of divine guidance.

Action Items:

Toward Fulfilling Intimacy in Marriage

A satisfying sexual relationship between husband and wife is one of the rich rewards of marriage. Couples can avoid heartache and the potential honeymoon pitfalls. Couples must prepare for the intimate dimension of marriage by getting educated, learning about each other’s expectations, and realizing that time and shared experience will be needed to build a strong intimate relationship. Nowhere is self-awareness coupled with the Spirit more crucial than in preparing for and developing the sexual relationship in marriage.

Husbands and wives are assured of God’s divine favor in finding joy in the gift he has given them in marriage, “Rejoice with the wife of thy youth… Be thou ravished always with her love” (Proverbs 5:18-19). President Spencer W. Kimball adds his amen to the delightfulness of the intimate marital relationship with this inspiring statement, "Marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person" (Spencer W. Kimball, “Oneness in Marriage,” Ensign, Oct. 2002, 42).

Recommended Practices for Strengthening Your Marriage… Intimately!

Recommended Resources for Strengthening Your Marriage… Intimately!

(This is an article in the LDS Newlywed Smart Start Kit series sponsored by the LDS Marriage Network and Meridian Magazine. Laura M. Brotherson, CFLE, is an author, marriage and family life educator, wife, and mother, and has written a best-selling book on intimacy in marriage (see www.StrengtheningMarriage.com). She is on the executive committee of the LDS Marriage Network.  To share your insights regarding intimacy in marriage, and how this information has been beneficial to you, send your comments to Laura@StrengtheningMarriage.com.

To respond to this article series, send your feedback to brotherson@meridianmagazine.com — we look forward to hearing from you.  For information about the LDS Marriage Network, send to the same email address.)

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