Editor’s note:  This is the second article in the LDS Newlywed Smart Start Kit.  For the first article, click here.

Making the Effort in Marriage

Recently, while my wife and I were sitting in bed talking, she commented, “It’s funny how everything worthwhile in life takes effort.” Her comment sparked a great discussion regarding the fact that the most worthwhile things in life take hard work. Parenting takes effort, a clean house takes effort, getting good grades takes effort, excelling at one’s employment takes effort, good gardens take effort, and even keeping a car in good running condition takes effort.

Think about that principle for a moment. Anything in life that you want to be good at takes effort. With regards to staying healthy — isn’t it so much easier to eat junk food, candy, or whatever else is lying around the kitchen, rather than preparing vegetables and cooking a healthy meal? Isn’t it so much easier to watch television than exercise? As a married couple, isn’t it easier to remain silent when you could compliment your spouse when you think he or she looks extra nice?

The purpose of this article is provide an overview of some issues and differences that many couples struggle with as they begin their marriage, and to emphasize the fact that marriage, like everything else in life that is worthwhile, takes extra effort. In the following weeks, a series of articles will be presented that will provide couples, particularly newlyweds, with helpful insights into specific issues that most couples will experience sooner or later. The following principles will be discussed in this article:

A Strong Marriage Takes Effort

Everything in life that is truly rewarding, especially a happy marriage, takes hard work and effort. If the effort is not there, or when we forget to do the little things, it is not long before feelings are hurt, harsh words are exchanged, and troubles enter in. Simply stated, if we let things go in life, they will naturally get cluttered, fall apart, wither, or deteriorate.

In marriage, author Dennis Rainey refers to this pattern as the natural “float of isolation.” If we do not put forth effort when it comes to marriage, we will naturally drift apart — without even meaning to! In our fallen mortal world, “the natural man” tendency in all of us is to think of ourselves first and to simply do as little as we can for others. It is no wonder that President Spencer W. Kimball stated the following:

Managing Differences

While the newlywed years of marriage can be filled with countless joys, they are also a time where an added measure of patience and effort are required as you learn to deal with differences. Adjustments must be made as each partner leaves their parents and cleaves to their new spouse. Often, newly-married couples experience unforeseen problems and run into issues that can make the sweetness of married life turn sour. It’s only a matter of time before every couple runs into differences, and it is learning how to manage these differences that truly makes the difference!

We can learn a lesson about the importance of respectfully resolving problems from the differences that the Prophet Joseph Smith and Emma, his wife, experienced early in marriage. David Whitmer rehearses the following incident that occurred while Joseph and Emma stayed in the Whitmer home in 1829, as Joseph Smith was translating the Book of Mormon (they had only been married two years).

Most of us can relate to this experience of Joseph and Emma, as all other aspects of life just do not seem to go right when there is something eating at us because of something you or your spouse may have said or done (which likely offended the Spirit and our spouse). It is critical that at these moments we learn to make an effort to humble ourselves and seek forgiveness from our spouse.

Diligence, Faith, Patience, Longsuffering

In the scriptures, we read in Alma 32 about the qualities that are required to nourish the “seed” or the word. In verse 42 of that chapter, it reads, “And because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious…”

As we encounter differences in our marriages, it is important that we remember these three qualities: diligence (work/effort), faith, and patience. Every successful marriage requires diligent effort, faith or belief that things will work out and faith to hang in there, and patience with yourself and your spouse. Then, and notice the wording, “by and by,” meaning that the process takes time, you will experience the true joys of marriage, that are “most precious.”

Interestingly, in the following verse (43), Alma adds the word “long-suffering” to the three qualities previously mentioned. In each of our marriages, we will endure hardships, frustrations, disappointments, trials and tribulations that will require “long-suffering” to make it through, but we can also experience the fruits of companionship and love as we act in patience and faith.

Early on in our marriage, I had trouble with the scripture found in Doctrine and Covenants 38:27, “I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine.” I wasn’t sure what it meant exactly to “be one” in our marriage.

I soon learned that we shouldn’t interpret this scripture to mean that we are supposed to be the same. In other words, we don’t have to think the same thoughts or choose the same activities all of the time.

Regarding this scripture, Elder Orson Pratt has said, “What are we to understand by two becoming one flesh? [Genesis 2:24.] Does it mean that the male and female lose their identity as persons? By no means. Such a circumstance never happened in any age of the world. Does it mean that they become one merely in their thoughts, affections, and minds? No; it says they twain shall be one flesh: mark the expression, ‘one flesh,’ not one mind.” (The Seer, p. 90). In resolving differences, we should remember that we shouldn’t constantly try to change each other or convince each other that we are always right.

Common Areas of Disagreement for LDS Newlywed Couples

A few years ago, I was part of a team that was interested in learning more about what the first year of marriage was like for newlywed couples in Utah. As part of a research project, we surveyed more than 1,000 couples that had been married between 2 and 10 months, with approximately 75% of the sample being Latter-day Saints. Part of the goal was to better understand what problems newlyweds experienced during the transition from being single to being married.

Overall, our results revealed several areas that both husbands and wives considered to be problematic. The biggest problem for both husbands and wives was balancing the demands of work with the needed time for the marriage relationship. Many couples found it fairly difficult to find the time they desired to spend with one another amidst the stresses of school and/or work. As described in the beginning, extra effort is required from both spouses to support, encourage, extend compassion, and be patient with one another as you try to make the most of the time you do have together. A few tips:

The next biggest problem for both spouses in our study was the amount of debt that was brought into the marriage and decisions regarding finances. These problem areas can cause a lot of stress and worry, which often influence other areas in the relationship. Attitudes about money, spending, saving, and other financial habits, such as budgeting and deciding who does the bills, must be discussed and negotiated early on in the marriage if future difficulties are to be avoided. Remember, it takes effort to change the way you approach the situation. It is so much easier to swipe a credit card and be careless about money than making an effort to sit down each month together and make and stick to a financial plan.

Other areas that newlyweds in Utah found to be problematic were issues related to in-laws, intimacy, expectations around the house, managing conflict, and communication. Of course, not all of these areas can be covered in this article, but several of these topics will be presented in upcoming articles, including helpful tips and principles to guide you through these challenges. Although it was interesting to see what problems husbands and wives experienced, and how the problems related to how happy they were in their marriage, the finding that was most eye-opening came later.

We found that what distinguished the happiest couples from those that were not as happy was not the number of the problems they experienced, as most all of the couples experienced similar problems. It was the couples who indicated that the following areas were not problematic at all:

At first glance, I was shocked to see that these areas were what separated the most happy from the least happy. After thinking about it, however, it all seemed to make perfect sense! The committed couples who were expressing appreciation, being affectionate, and respecting each other, still had problems in their marriage, but they were able to manage their problems in a way that did not cause resentment and bitterness that results from blaming and accusing. In other words, those who made the extra effort to do things to maintain positive bonds in their relationship were more likely to handle the problems they faced in a more Christ-like manner.

Conclusion

It is small wonder that The Family: A Proclamation to the World  boldly declares, “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities” (emphasis added). Each of these principles requires us to do something in our marriages and families.

Years ago, while sitting in a class at BYU, I remember hearing Dr. Brent Barlow suggest that the initials LDS should also stand for “Let’s Do Something.” I couldn’t agree more. Although making an extra effort to do the little things for your spouse will not solve all of the problems you face in marriage, you will find that the love you share will grow sweeter and your focus will be on your spouse, not on yourself.

President Gordon B. Hinckley put it this way: “Marriage, I’ve concluded, isn’t so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion. When you plan on marriage, you plan on putting your companion’s comfort and well-being first, ahead of yours; and if you do, you’ll be happy. If you don’t you’ll wish you had done it.”

Discussion Points

Take some time to reflect upon the following questions and discuss your thoughts with your spouse.

(This is an article in the LDS Newlywed Smart Start Kit series sponsored by the LDS Marriage Network and Meridian Magazine.  To respond to this article or share comments with the author, send your feedback to brotherson@meridianmagazine.com – we look forward to hearing from you.  For further information about the LDS Marriage Network, visit www.ldsmarriagenetwork.org.)